


Expressoself!

by spaceyshipper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awkward Gabriel, Awkward Sam Winchester, Fluff, Insecure Gabriel (Supernatural), John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Light Angst, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform, Single Parent Sam Winchester, Slow Burn, Stanford!AU, barista!Gabriel, coffeeshop!au, human!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-01-17 22:46:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 63,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12375720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceyshipper/pseuds/spaceyshipper
Summary: Sam Winchester is a single dad attending Stanford. His life crosses with that of Gabriel Milton, the owner of the local coffee shop Expressoself!. The two become friends, bonding over shared intellectual interests, and Gabriel welcomes Sam and his daughter into his life. The two dance around each other and slowly fall into something more.





	1. Fall and Falling

Fall was always a time of peculiar melancholia for Sam. He could never quite understand the mixture of impressions the season gave him that were more than physical sensations yet less than emotions. He felt something like mourning: the passing of summer, the slow acceptance of crisp weather and the musk of dying leaves. Yet the season also had a sense of promise: there were places that the cold weather only made more cozy and inviting, there was the seasonal food that brought comfort, and it was the time he first fell in love.

 

Sam reminisced on his time with Jessica as he walked out of class. They had been so young back then, so fresh and vibrant and drunk on dreams and futures and lust and love. They had held hands in parks and gone on breakfast dates and talked about philosophy and science and history. They met each other's families and spent holidays together and moved in together. They made love. They had a child together.

 

But they changed.

 

As Sam and Jessica grew older, Sam felt that they he had matured past their relationship. It didn't fit. He denied it for a long time, doubting himself, asking himself if he was simply being too picky, too idealistic. He knew Jessica thought he was being too idealistic. There was nothing wrong, strictly speaking. Only they started to be a little too fake with one another and not quite thoughtful enough and not quite in love anymore. Sam loved Jessica - he still did. But he wasn't _in_ love with Jessica.

 

A year ago, he had thought that he had everything figured out - that his little family unit would someday buy a house on the outskirts of a nice city, and he would be a lawyer, and Jess could work part-time or not at all, if she wanted, and their daughter Mary would have two stable, normal, happy parents. Sam wanted that life so badly. But he knew that to have that, he would have to lie to himself, to sacrifice some part of who he was and what he needed in a relationship.

 

_I'm not even sure what I need_ , Sam thought, as he pulled his beanie tighter over his ears. He only had a semblance of a piece of an idea: that he wanted something - someone - with more depth, more passion. Something more real.

 

_I mean, some people actually do have happy, meaningful relationships, right? But maybe that's not just meant for me. Maybe soulmates do exist, but not everyone gets to find theirs._ Sam hoped that maybe he could have a few relationships throughout the rest of his life, and prayed that they had both fallen sufficiently out of love for it not to hurt too badly when it ended.

 

Sam sighed. He was such a lonely sap. He didn't miss Jess; but he did miss waking up next to someone and someone asking about his day when he got home. He missed having someone to talk to besides Mary - who didn't say more than one word in a row yet.

 

Sam's lips curled upward at the thought of Mary. She had her mother's curls, but she had his chestnut hair and his dimples and his eyes. She was now a year and a half old, and her favorite things to do were read books, climb onto his desk, and eat paper. Sam was honestly surprised she hadn't gotten some sort of intestinal blockage yet. Mary took her time chewing and poking at her fruits and veggies, but paper? Sam swore she swallowed whole chunks without chewing. If he left an article on the coffee table, or let her look at her picture books unattended, she would be sure to be found nibbling on the cellulose as if it were a fine delicacy.

 

Sam's musing while he walked meant that he was already downtown. It was a bit out of his way to his apartment, but he was changing his routine. Sam used to study in the library on campus and buy his daily coffee there, but this semester he was on a particularly tight budget and the five dollars a pop for the coffee at the student-run on-campus café was eating away at his savings. Sam had mentioned as much to a classmate, who mentioned that there was a new coffee shop not far from main campus that was very reasonably priced and had excellent pastries as well.

 

Sam had reasoned that he could do with a bit of extra exercise anyway. His classes were particularly difficult this term and his workout routine had been lacking as of late. He could already tell he was losing muscle mass. Not like there was anyone around to appreciate his looks (or lack thereof) anyway.

 

_Stupid caffeine addiction_. Sam grumbled to himself as he began searching the storefronts for _Expressoself! Coffee and Pastry Shoppe_. He almost walked past; the store was bookended by two others, and the glass storefront was barely wider than the door itself. However, the storefront was lined with stringlights that were simple yet enticing. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Sam opened the door.  
 


	2. Coffee Fixes All Problems

Gabriel's feet hurt and his back ached and his neck was sore from counting change from the cash register, but he was happy. His little shop was getting more business now that Stanford was reaching midterm season and students needed an extra caffeine fix to continue their studying into egregious hours of the early morning. From what he heard from customers, _Expressoself_!'s reputation for selling reasonably-priced, fair-trade, organic coffee was travelling by word of mouth. Several students complained about the prices of the coffee shops on campus; Gabriel suspected that the inflated prices had something to do with the inflated wages of the student workers, but he wasn't one to stand in the way of a college student's pay. Well, maybe he was, since he was stealing their customers. He snickered to himself.

 

_Ting!_

 

The bell above the door had been jingling steadily since 8 in the morning, but had slowed somewhat now that it was 3 in the afternoon. Gabriel was somewhat immune to the sound, having been hearing it nearly every day for the three months his shop had been in business, but it was still enough to jolt him out of his reverie.

 

"Welcome to _Expressoself_!" Gabriel called as the customer approached the counter.

 

The man was tall, but he hunched his shoulders and his neck a bit - whether a result of excessive time spent bent over books studying, or in an effort to seem less formidable, Gabriel wasn't sure. He straightened up a bit as he looked at the menu above the counter for a minute, quietly contemplating. Gabriel watched him unconsciously, still a bit lost in thought over moral practices of business competition. As his eyes wandered, he realized the man was wearing a flannel shirt that peaked out from under a flannel coat. Gabriel let out a huff of air in a laugh. The man, torn from his deep contemplation of the menu, looked at Gabriel, eyebrows raised questioningly.

 

"What can I get you?" Gabriel asked quickly, his stomach twisting in embarrassment as he realized he probably sounded like he was laughing at the poor man. _Smooth, Gabriel._

 

"Umm..." The man glanced one more time at the menu, then at Gabriel. "I'm looking for something sweet. What would you suggest?"

 

Gabriel resisted the urge to make a crude joke. The man's face spoke of maturity, with some frown lines and bags under his eyes, but somehow his eyes still maintained an innocent light. They were hazel, framed with long lashes. He had a strong jawbone, and fringes of long hair escaped from under the beanie the man wore.

 

Gabriel realized he had probably been staring for awhile, and attempted to play it off as if he had been thinking about the man's request.

 

"Hmm... Looking for something hot or cold?"

 

"Hot," the man replied quickly, and shivered for effect.

 

"Well, you could start with me," Gabriel smirked and winked, "But, since I'm on the clock, how about a caramel macchiato?"

 

The man looked vaguely confused. "That sounds good. I mean, the caramel macchiato. Not that you're not-- Um. Normally I -- "

 

"Don't give yourself an aneurism, one caramel macchiato coming right up," Gabriel waved a hand at the man's fumbling, and shot him a smile _. Dammit Gabriel, you're an oversexed idiot. Guy's probably going to complain about getting sexually harassed at the local coffeeshop_. Gabriel paled.

 

"So, are you a student at Stanford?" Gabriel attempted to lighten the atmosphere.

 

"Yeah, I'm studying law," The man replied offhandedly.

 

_Dammit Gabriel! He's not going to complain about sexual harassment, he'll just sue you himself._

 

"Wow. Bet you need your caffeine, huh?"

 

"More than you know," The flannel-clad man agreed tiredly.

 

"Don't worry, coffee fixes all problems!" Gabriel said over his shoulder as he prepared the beverage. Within a couple minutes he was setting it on the counter in front of the man.

 

"Thanks," the man smiled with genuine warmth _. He's probably just excited to get a hot drink in him_ , Gabriel thought. The man started to reach for his back pocket, presumably for his wallet.

 

"Nah, don't worry about it. It's on the house," Gabriel tried to give a genuine smile _. Please don't sue me please don't sue me please don't sue me._

 

The tall man gave him the same confused look from before. "That isn't necessary."

 

_"_ It isn't," agreed Gabriel, "but I want to. You just have to come back again!" He shot the tall man a wink that he hoped came off as friendly and not creepy.

 

The man chucked bemusedly, still looking confused, but appreciative. "Okay, thanks, then. Have a good one!" He said as he walked toward the door.

 

"You too!" Gabriel called. "I expect to see you back here!" 


	3. Food for Thought

 "Alright sweetie, we're home!" Sam set Mary down inside the doorway of his apartment. She promptly ran over to her highchair. He had just picked up Mary from Jess after his trip to the coffee shop. He and Jess took classes on opposite schedules as much as possible, and alternated time with Mary. It limited which classes they could take based on what time block they were offered in, but it saved them money on childcare.

 

"Up up Up Up UP UP!" Mary looked at Sam and bounced in place, holding onto her highchair.

 

"Ok pumpkin, I'll help you up." Sam landed a kiss on Mary's forehead as he swooped the year and a half year old up and into her highchair. "Ready for snack?"

 

Mary nodded fervently. Sam poured out a few cheerios onto her tray to keep her occupied while he cut up some strawberries and mixed them in with unsweetened, plain, organic yogurt. Even though it was more expensive, he bought all of Mary's food at the farmer's market or the local co-op. He didn't want her ingesting all sorts of pesticides - she put enough things in her mouth that weren't supposed to be there as is.

 

Sam set the bowl of fruit and yogurt in front of Mary, and smiled as she attempted to use a spoon, then decided her fingers were more effective. He sat in the chair next to her at the table, getting lost in thought as she munched on a strawberry, juice running down her chin.

 

_Was the barista flirting with me?_ Sam scrunched his eyebrows. _But he complimented himself, not me. Perhaps I was supposed to make some sort of quip back._ Sam knew that, though he was sarcastic and witty at times, a good comeback often escaped him. _What type of person calls himself hot - in front of a customer, no less? One who has low self-esteem, obviously._ Sam absentmindedly reached over and took one of Mary's yogurt-covered strawberries. _Either that or really high self-esteem. Like, egotism levels. Or maybe just confidence._ Sam frowned down at his own body. He used to be more confident of it, before he became a father at the same time as being a full-time student, and had less time to exercise. Not that he thought he looked _bad_ now, but definitely not as good as he used to.

 

He tried to remember what the barista looked like, to see if there was any truth to his claim. The man didn't look like he worked out, but he was well-built. Short, but lots of people were shorter than Sam. He had somewhat long (but not as long as Sam's) sandy-blond hair. Thin lips. Eyebrows that jumped upward when he talked. Expressive whiskey-colored eyes.

 

Sam really didn't think that the man constituted handsome in the usual sense, but there was something genuine and open about him that made him more attractive. Sam really didn't care much what someone looked like. He was attracted to intelligence, honesty, compassion - a person's character, rather than their body. He really didn't feel comfortable with physical interaction, period, until he knew someone quite well; and at that point, even if they weren't attractive by society's standards, they were to Sam.

 

Sam had heard the term "demisexual" only in the past year, and he thought it might describe him, but he wasn't quite sure. _It's like a spectrum, right? I don't have to choose one definition to box myself into._ Sam also had a vague idea that he wasn't quite straight, was maybe bisexual, but he had never met a guy that he was really interested in, and since he was maybe-sort-of demi, he didn't really feel physically attracted to men in general. _What a Catch-22. Hey, wanna be friends, so I can figure out many months down the road if I'm physically attracted to you and interested in something more? And if not, can we still just be friends? Cool? Great._ Sam snickered. _Yeah right._

 

Mary had by now upended her bowl onto her tray, eaten out all the strawberry chunks, and was finger painting with the remaining yogurt.

 

"Having fun, sweetie?"

 

Mary grinned at him devilishly.

 

 


	4. Hell Brings People Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter features a bit of religious discussion between Sam and Gabe. I would like to note that their views do not necessarily reflect mine, nor are they intended to belittle or offend anyone. This is a fictional conversation between fictional characters. Also, like Sam, I am not a theology major, so... *shrugs*. I welcome comments from theology and non-theology majors :)

Sam hadn't intended on returning to _Expressoself!_. After his midterm, his brain felt like it had been pulverized, his hand ached from writing, and he had developed a headache from clenching his jaw and scrunching his eyebrows. When he had entered the classroom, it had been late afternoon; now it was dusk. He started wandering downtown, not really paying attention to where his feet were taking him, but rather thinking about questions he might have answered wrong, what Jess might be doing with Mary, and the bills he had to pay.

 

There was a definite chill in the air that had arrived with the evening. Sam readjusted his scarf. _A hot chocolate sounds nice. And some type of pastry. Dessert as a reward for killing my brain._

 

He ended up in front of the door to the café he had visited several days ago.

 

 _What if The Barista is there?_ Â Sam then scolded himself. _You're an adult. So what if he says something... weird? He probably wasn't flirting with you anyway. Besides, the coffee_ was _really good._ Sufficiently reassured, Sam opened the door.

 

At first, Sam thought the coffeeshop was closed. It was nearly empty - there were only a couple students inside, hunched over textbooks in the corner. It was quiet except for soft music playing, and the lights were turned down from their usual daytime cheer, giving a more candlelit-evening type of ambiance. No one greeted him, unlike his past visit. Sam hesitantly walked up to the counter. Maybe they _were_ closed.

 

However, upon reaching the counter, Sam could see that there was someone there, on the far side of the counter, away from the cash register. The barista from last time, sprawled halfway over the counter, resting his head on his hand, golden hair falling over his forehead, engrossed in a thick book.

 

Sam strode to the other end of the counter. Now closer, he could see the barista was reading Dante's _Inferno_.

 

"If he was fair as he is hideous now, / and raised his brow in scorn of his creator, / he is fit to be the source of every sorrow." Sam voice surprised himself. It surprised the barista too, whose head snapped up from where it had been mere inches from the pages.

 

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in. That's terrible service. I'm sorry." The barista grimaced.

 

"No worries," Sam smiled, "Doing some light reading?"

 

"Well, about as light as Alighieri ever is," the man replied, "I'm in the ninth circle now. I actually just read the part you quoted - which is impressive, by the way." The man paused, quirking one eyebrow. "Did you memorize that for some law class or something? Like, 'pay attention, students, our punitive system could take some pointers from Hell?'"

 

Sam was quiet for a moment, surprised that the barista had remembered what he was studying. He then snorted. "No, thankfully. Though I think some of my professors would agree with that idea. No, I read for pleasure. Or, I used to, when I had more time." _Stop rambling, Sam. He didn't ask for your life story._

 

"Not many people would read _Inferno_ without being forced to," the barista looked at him... appreciatively? _No, probably not appreciation,_ thought Sam, _He just thinks you're a liar._

 

"What can I say - I like a challenge." Sam shrugged. _Great, now you sound like a cocky douche._

 

However, the barista only hummed and nodded in agreement. "Though, in my opinion, it's not the writing style that's difficult, it's all the historical references that are about Italy and Dante's political circle. And also the theology he uses...The Catholic theology in general, is... Interesting." Sam thought it seemed like the man stopped himself from saying something else. Sam was curious what it was, so he tried to prod him along.

 

"I agree. I mean, maybe it's just because I'm a law student, but the punishment should fit the crime. So, what was Lucifer's crime that he's stuck in the ninth circle? He was cast out of Heaven because of hubris, and then on Earth he tempted Eve into disobeying God. It's interesting that he did that by telling the truth," Sam glanced at the barista, who was staring at him intently but with no hostility, and was actually nodding, so he continued. "God had said, 'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.' And then Satan tells Eve that she won't die, but that eating the fruit will allow her to tell good from evil. And she does, and she doesn't die, but she does become aware of right and wrong. So on one hand, Satan tells the truth, even though he is manipulative; but on the other hand, God outright lies." Sam shakes his head. "It doesn't make sense. Like, does rebellion and pride merit Lucifer to stay in Hell for eternity?" He took a breath. "I mean, I'm not a theology major though, so..." Sam added lamely and shrugged.

 

_Oh wow. Did I just go on a religious rant at some poor coffeeshop worker? That's like, one of the things you're definitely NOT supposed to talk about unless you're looking for a fight. Nice going, Sam._

 

But instead of looking affronted at the blasphemy Sam had just spewed, the barista lit up. "Yes! In fact, I think the whole thing brings into question free will. I mean, first, I felt like it's a paradox - if Eve didn't know the difference between good and evil, how would she know that it was wrong to disobey God and eat the fruit? She wasn't making an informed choice, because she didn't have knowledge. So, why be punished for doing something she didn't know was wrong? She'd have to have eaten the fruit to obtain that knowledge - and thus free will - but that involves making the wrong, or evil, choice. She was kind of screwed to begin with."

 

Sam and the barista continued to talk animatedly about free will, and God, and whether or not Lucifer could be forgiven and redeemed, or if he would want to be. Partway through their conversation, the barista had reached into the display case and pulled out a couple cinnamon rolls, one of which he offered to Sam. Sam once again attempted to pay, and was once again waved off by the barista. They picked at their cinnamon rolls and discussed and argued and laughed. The barista responded intelligently and with wit, and often would pause, and ponder for a moment before answering Sam. The barista could be stubborn, and he didn't necessarily change his opinion when Sam disagreed with him, but he asked questions to clarify Sam's thoughts and seemed to try to understand Sam's perspective. It wasn't often that Sam came across someone who thought they were right, but didn't condescend others. He respected that about this barista.

 

Both men were broken out of their conversation when the door clanged shut as the two remaining students shuffled out. Sam realized he and the barista were leaning over the counter on their respective sides, and were quite close. He leaned back with the pretense of looking out the window. It was now pitch black outside.

 

"Oh wow, what time is it?" The barista looked at his watch. "I gotta close up! Anything you want before I start shutting everything down, kiddo?"

 

"I'm not a kiddo," Sam said reflexively, rolling his eyes.

 

"Sure you are," the barista smiled, "you look younger than me and you're in college." He winked, then turned around and started shutting off machines.

 

"Nah, I'm good," Sam said. He really didn't feel like he needed hot chocolate as a pick-me-up anymore; the engaging conversation had taken care of that.

 

"Here," the barista thrust a paper bag at him. Sam took it and peered inside; there were two chocolate bonbons.

 

"I made extra," the barista said casually.

 

"You know, giving out free stuff really isn't a good business model," Sam pointed out.

 

"It's not a problem as long as I don't do it for just anybody," the barista smirked. Sam could feel a blush rising on his cheeks. _Get ahold of yourself, Sam._ "It's the least I can do before I have to kick you out," the barista continued ruefully.

 

_See? He's just being nice. Stop freaking out like you're in high school._

 

"Thank you," Sam said, and rose from the chair he had pulled up to the counter. He started to head toward the door, when the barista called after him.

 

"Hey, I'm Gabriel, by the way. Now that you know my views on theology, philosophy, and torture, I figured you can know my name."

 

Sam's eyes widened. How could he have not introduced himself or asked the barista's name? To be fair, the barista - Gabriel - wasn't wearing a nametag, but still.

 

"I'm Sam," Sam smiled at Gabriel as he walked to the door. "I'll be back."


	5. Reflections

As Sam walked to his car, he couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. His night had turned out much better than he had hoped. As an introvert, normally he felt tired after talking to people, but tonight he felt energized. He was practically skipping. _Other people probably think I'm a lunatic. No one in their right mind looks this happy during midterm season._

 

Sam began to wonder why, exactly, it was that he was so happy. Sure, he had just had a very intellectually stimulating conversation, but he was intellectually stimulated on almost a daily basis with his classes. Perhaps because this time, it was a voluntary, reciprocal, spontaneous talk, instead of a lecture and a facilitated, contrived group discussion. And also, because someone actually took an interest in him, and Sam was a lonely loser with no friends.

 

Before they broke up, Sam always had Jess. Between classes, working odd hours at the library, and for the past year and a half, Mary, they really didn't have much time to socialize. Sam had even less time now that he was essentially functioning as a single parent. Sure, Mary spent a lot of time with Jess (tonight, for example), but most nights (and early mornings) Mary was with Sam. Jess moved back on campus and Sam got a different apartment off-campus, and it just made sense for Mary to stay with him rather than in a dorm room except occasionally on more quiet (party-free) nights on campus.

 

Sam had nearly forgotten what it felt like to have a friend who wasn't also a romantic partner - or his brother, Dean. Perhaps it was this, this giddy feeling. He felt comfortable around Gabriel. Their conversation never lulled; Gabriel had turned down some of his charm from Sam's previous visit, but he was still charismatic, easygoing, and funny. He appeared well-read, which Sam appreciated. He admitted he could be a bit of a literature snob. And Gabriel was obviously very intelligent. _I wonder what he's doing working as a barista?_

 

Even during the couple times Gabriel had said something that could be construed as flirtatious, Sam didn't feel extremely uncomfortable as he usually did. Perhaps because he was already lulled into a sense of security with talks of Hell and delicious cinnamon rolls. _Or, more likely, because he meant nothing by it,_ Sam reasoned. _But what if he did?_ A small voice in his head asked, _What if he was only talking to you because he wants a fling?_ Sam shushed the voice and allowed himself to dwell on happier thoughts.

 

_I think I made a friend!_

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Gabriel had always liked powerful people. Not the kind of power that came from a social construct of a position - like CEO or senator - but the kind of power that came from raw ability and talent. Something natural.

 

So when he had the opportunity to take a closer look at the man who wandered into _Expressoself!_ for the second time despite Gabriel's inappropriate flirting, he had to restrain himself from drooling. Sam had a very powerful physique - tall, broad-shouldered, strong jaw, large hands. Gabriel couldn't tell much beyond that, due to all the ridiculous layers Sam was wearing (he didn't even shed his coat during the entire conversation!), except that he lacked a gut, so he seemed fairly fit.

 

Gabriel eyed his own pudge in the mirror. _No wonder he was confused as to why I had flirted with him. He's probably used to like, underwear models eyeing him down, not squishy candy-addict-café owners._ He sighed. At least the man had seemed interested him as a friend, at the very least. Gabriel did keep in contact with some of his long-distance friends, but really the only person he knew in the area was his brother Cas. And Gabriel was someone who liked a lot of social time. Exes - namely, Balthazar - told him he could be a bit clingy; Gabriel liked to think that he wasn't _clingy_ , but physical affection and quality time were very important to him.

 

Tearing his thoughts from his desperate single status, he replayed the conversation he had had with Sam. A smile ghosted his lips. Sam, in addition to his powerful body, had a powerful personality. It was a quiet power - not brash or assuming, but still present. He was intelligent, well-spoken, and Gabriel could tell he was determined and ambitious - after all, no one could pursue a law degree at Stanford without those traits. Gabriel had difficulty maintaining a coherent discussion when Sam kept showing off his big vocabulary and strong build and those gorgeous eyes. Gabriel got shivers when he quoted Dante from memory. Damn, that was hot. Smart is the new sexy and all. Normally he reverted to shameless innuendos and humor when he was nervous, but he had tried to keep those in check after the previous encounter only seemed to baffle Sam.

 

In short, Sam was extremely attractive. However, he didn't reciprocate Gabriel's flirting, though he did chuckle a couple of times. _Gabriel, you don't even know if he's single. Or gay._ Gabriel resolved to keep his innuendos at a minimum if Sam ever came back in. No use in scaring away someone who could, at the very least, be a friend.

 

Gabriel absentminded fed his terrier, Max, and scratched him behind the ears before popping a chocolate truffle in his mouth. _Just one as a bedtime snack. Tomorrow, I'll go on a diet._


	6. The Book Club

Sam

 

Every one to two weeks Gabriel has a new book. _The Odyssey_ , _One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_ , _King Lear_ , _Things Fall Apart_ , _Flight_ by Sherman Alexie, _Americanah_ by Adichie, _The Masnavi_ , _The Prince_ , _Snow Country_ by Kawabata, _A Tale of Two Cities_ , _Fahrenheit 451, Slaughterhouse 5._

 

_Vonnegut. Dean would have liked to talk to Gabriel about that one._

 

Sam and Gabriel discussed class differences, insanity, colonialism, racism, indigeneity, economics, philosophy, xenophobia, patriotism, intellectual rights, subjective truth vs absolute truth.  Sam appreciated that Gabriel read outside of the sphere of Western literature. He was attuned to other voices, other perspectives. He wanted to understand other people and protect their voices. Gabriel reminded Sam why he wanted to be a lawyer: to use the instrument of justice to return voices to people who had been silenced.

 

They discussed family, but not much of their own. Sam told Gabriel about Dean, who lived in Kansas. Gabriel had a brother, Castiel, who was actually studying entomology at Stanford, but evidently Castiel stayed quite busy with his studies and rarely made an appearance. Neither Sam nor Gabriel mentioned their parents and Sam didn't mention Mary.

 

It's not that Sam was ashamed of Mary - far from it. She was sweet, intelligent, strong-willed, and beautiful. He did not regret having her in the slightest. However, he was grasping tightly to this budding … whatever it was with Gabriel, and he didn't want to scare him away. Sam always feared that people would think he was some douche, or promiscuous, or irresponsible because he didn't have a serious job, he was still in college, and he had a kid. And he so enjoyed his weekly talks with Gabriel.

 

He would come in every Thursday evening, when Mary was with Jess, and when business was slowest for Gabriel. Gabriel's coworkers had taken to announcing (loudly) that Gabriel's boyfriend was here for his date. At first Sam had spluttered and corrected them, but by now he had ceased to be bothered by it. In fact, now he was the one who chuckled at Gabriel, who still flushed a faint pink as he smiled and walked over to their customary spot at the end of the counter. Sometimes he would have to leave to make an order, but they were still normally able to talk for a couple of hours. Sam didn't mind when customers came in. It was relaxing to watch Gabriel bustle about, working the machines with dexterous hands, chatting with people as he made recommendations for the best pastries or coffees to suit their tastes. Sam did note that he didn't flirt with other customers nearly as much as he did with Sam; but as Gabriel had yet to say anything to make Sam uncomfortable or ask him for any more than his company every Thursday, Sam tried not to dwell on this phenomenon too much.

 

Though, he suspected Gabriel might be gradually increasing the number of flirtatious comments he directed at Sam, but they only served to make Sam chuckle. He didn't take them seriously, and he wasn't witty and charismatic enough to quip back. Though he was still anxious Gabriel would get bored with Sam's … friendzoning? Was he friendzoning Gabriel? Was he not responding to Gabriel's advances? Was he responding too much? Does laughing count as encouraging his innuendos? Why was he worrying about this? _It's perfectly acceptable to "friendzone" people,_ Sam told himself.

 

But… he had visited Gabriel a few times outside of their normal Thursday time. Once he wanted to share an article he read about NASA's Cassini mission with Gabriel. Another time he just wanted a pick me up after office hours with a particularly curmudgeonly professor. And a third time he brought Gabriel a poem he had come across - ok, he was Googling references to Gabriel in the Bible, and came across it - a poem that mentioned Gabriel, by Adrienne Rich.

 

_There are no angels yet_

_here comes an angel one_

_shut-off the dark_

_side of the moon turning to me_

_and saying: I am the plumed_

_serpent the beast_

_with fangs of fire and a gentle_

_heart_

_But he doesn’t say that His message_

_drenches his body_

_he’d want to kill me_

_for using words to name him_

_I sit in the bare apartment_

_reading_

_words stream past me poetry_

_twentieth-century rivers_

_disturbed surfaces reflecting clouds_

_reflecting wrinkled neon_

_but clogged and mostly_

_nothing alive left_

_in their depths_

_The angel is barely_

_speaking to me_

_Once in a horn of light_

_he stood or someone like him_

_salutations in gold-leaf_

_ribboning from his lips_

_Today again the hair streams_

_to his shoulders_

_the eyes reflect something_

_like a lost country or so I think_

_but the ribbon has reeled itself_

_up_

_He isn’t giving_

_or taking any shit_

_We glance miserably_

_across the room at each other_

_It’s true there are moments_

_closer and closer together_

_when words stick in my throat_

_‘the art of love’_

_‘the art of words’_

_I get your message Gabriel_

_just will you stay looking_

_straight at me_

_awhile longer_

 

 

It wasn't particularly cheery, and Sam knew it could be interpreted as the return of a scorned lover or the emptiness of modernity or some other socioeconomic statement. Nevertheless, Sam thought it captured Gabriel's strength; the regality he had despite his constant jokes that had something to do with his confidence and his intelligence; and the way Sam couldn't quite describe him, couldn't quite hold him still with words; the way there was some type of wanting in the poem that resonated with the way Sam felt. He couldn't put words to that feeling either. Maybe it was something about how the characters in the poem reflected the way Sam and Gabriel sit across from each other, and somehow Sam feels like he is seen. That Gabriel sees him.

 

Amidst his musings, horror descended on Sam. _I gave Gabriel a poem. About himself. Or rather, his namesake. He must think I'm some crazy stalker freak. Or a teenage girl._ He rested his head in his hands. _I'm such an idiot._

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel found himself humming contentedly, thinking about Sam. He looked at the clock - it was nearly time for their weekly book club meeting.

 

He had the poem Sam gave him folded up under the cash drawer. On occasion he pulled it out and mulled over why Sam might have given it to him, why it reminded Sam of him besides his name, and if it meant anything at all.

 

Thursdays were his favorite day of the week. His staff knew it too. As Thursday approached, he became more chipper. He made sure every inch of _Expressoself!_ was spotless, filled the pastry display, and on occasion re-designed the menu board. The past few months (had it really been a few months already?) had been filled with the stress associated with figuring out how to run a business (paperwork and accounting. So much paperwork) but it felt so worthwhile, seeing how his coffee and baked goods made his customers happy, and seeing Sam. Gabriel was pretty sure he would have opened the café just to see Sam's dimples.

 

Gabriel wasn't sure why he hadn't pursued a date with Sam, or even given him his number. Maybe it was the way Sam never seemed to return his affection, though he didn't responded _unfavorably,_ per se. Gabriel had decided that it was probably best to let Sam make the first move, to avoid making a fool of himself. He had his hopes up, since Sam had yet to mention any significant other, but he was trying to guard his heart. Trying to stay just distant enough that if Sam decided to move on to some other coffeeshop and some other barista that it wouldn't kill him.

 

Keeping his distance was difficult. It was so hard.

Gabriel snickered at his own wording.

 

Gabriel knew he wasn't fooling anyone, least of all himself. He hadn't even gotten laid since he had met Sam (which was some sort of a record for Gabriel). He simply didn't feel right flirting with (and certainly not having sex with) someone else when his thoughts were with a certain hazel-eyed, flannel-clad, ridiculously tall and smart and perfect man.

 

_Ting!_

 

Gabriel jumped, and immediately a grin broke across his face. _Sam._

 

"Good evening, good lookin'!" He called. Then stared. Sam had… something strapped to his chest.

 

\---- ---- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Sam was becoming increasingly agitated, and tried to force himself to calm down. Mary first pulled off his hat, then poked him in the eye.

 

"Ow!"

 

Mary giggled. Sam frowned at her. "Mary, you need to be gentle with other people. That hurt daddy." Mary grinned. _You can't reason with a toddler,_ Sam thought, exasperated.

 

It was Thursday. Mary was supposed to be with Jess, but Jess had gotten sick, so Mary was spending the evening with Sam while Jess was taking Nyquil and on bedrest. The last thing they needed was for Mary to get sick too.

 

Mary had been driving Sam insane. Normally, on a November evening, they would be reading books or coloring or putting together a simple puzzle inside, but Mary was cranky and loopy with boundless energy, so Sam decided to take her on a walk. He strapped her in the Tula carrier, plopped a hat on her head, and zipped his coat around both of them. He was sure they looked strange, but as long as Mary was warm, he didn't care. They wandered around campus for around half an hour, looking at the Thanksgiving decorations that had started to go up in front of academic buildings and shops, and then Sam had started to panic about his date - no, his meeting, or his talk, or whatever it was - with Gabriel.

 

If he didn't show, Gabriel might think that he didn't care, or that he ditched him. _Sam, he's a grown man. He'll probably just assume you're busy, or sick, or actually got a social life by some miracle._ But Sam had a feeling this wasn't true. Gabriel, though he hid it well, was a worrier. He would probably be concerned with Sam's wellbeing.

 

But if he did go, how would he explain Mary?

 

If Gabriel viewed him as a friend, he would probably be angry that Sam didn't trust him enough to tell him sooner, and never want to see Sam again; or if he did, it would be awkward.

If Gabriel viewed him as a potential love interest, he would still be angry that Sam didn't trust him enough to tell him earlier and never want to see Sam again, and he _definitely_ wouldn't be interested in anything romantic with Sam anymore. No one wants to be pulled into that -- some messy arrangement with kids and parenting schedules and exes and responsibilities. Not that Sam was anywhere near sure he wanted a romantic relationship with Gabriel, but he did know that he didn't want to lose the chance should he want to pursue it in the future, at the very least.

 

Sam's conflicted dithering had lead him to the front door of the café. Again. _I have to stop letting my feet wander while I think._  Sam realized he had probably been standing there for awhile. Gabriel had probably already seen him. Sam resigned himself to going in. He steeled himself and opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem is "Gabriel" by Adrienne Rich, 1968. I realize this poem has multiple interpretations, most of them not happy, and it might not seem appropriate for a budding friendship/romance. However, I felt like it reflected Sam's conflict between his doubt and his desires, his confusion about the nature of his relationship with Gabriel, and the pain and longing he feels as a result.
> 
> Let me know what you think - about the poem, the story, or anything else!


	7. Meet the Family

Gabriel peered at the bulge under Sam's coat as Sam walked closer. It was mostly covered with Sam's coat, but with some sort of knitted thing at the top. Then the bulge _moved,_ and Gabriel realized the knitted thing was a hat, and the hat was on a small child that Sam was carrying close to his chest. A small child with beautiful hazel eyes.

 

_Oh._

 

Gabriel shifted his gaze to Sam's eyes - _the same eyes -_ and saw that Sam looked hardened, defensive, and terrified. His mouth was in a grim line, in contrast to the dimpled smile he usually had when he visited, and his brows were drawn so tightly together it would have been comical had Gabriel not been so concerned with Sam's state of mind.

 

_Say something, Gabriel, make him laugh. You wanna see those dimples again, don't you?_

 

"So this is the reason you need so much coffee, Samsquatch!" Gabriel smirked. He noted Sam nodding vacantly, almost unconsciously, like tiredness was just a state of being to him. Gabriel turned to start making a hot chocolate for Sam while he was getting his thoughts in order.

 

_Sam has a kid. And he didn't tell me._

 

Gabriel could hear Sam shifting his feet, could almost picture the look of agonized discomfort on his face.

 

"How old is she?" He turned to glance over his shoulder at Sam. He wanted to make Sam comfortable, he wanted Sam to feel safe.

 

"Eighteen months," Sam's normally baritone voice almost squeaked.

 

_Poor kid. He doesn't even look older than twenty-two. He probably doesn’t always get a nice reception when people learn he knocked some girl up. Knowing him, he probably feels guilty as hell about it, even if it does take two to tango._

 

_Some girl. He's not gay._ Gabriel wanted to sink into the floor. He then gave himself a mental slap. _Come on, Gabriel, get ahold of yourself. Your friend needs you right now._

 

Gabriel put extra whipped cream on the hot chocolate (just like how Sam liked it) and turned around to set it on the counter. He could mope later.

 

Sam had unzipped his coat now; it was now clear that he was holding the child in some sort of carrier. Gabriel really didn't know much about these things, but he had seen some moms (and a couple dads) come into the café with their little ones in something like that. The little girl had Sam's eyes, and his rich brown hair color, but her hair was curled in cute little spirals that peeked out from under her hat. She looked at him with wide hazel eyes in an intensity that was both endearing and unnerving. It reminded him a little bit of his brother, Castiel.

 

Sam was staring at Gabriel too; or rather, through him. He seemed lost in his own little world of panic.

 

"Hey Sam," Gabriel said softly. Sam's eyes focused on him. "She definitely got your good looks." The words held humor, but Gabriel softened them with a small smile.

 

Sam gave a shaky smile back, and let out a whoosh of air. "Thanks."

 

Gabriel scooted the mug of hot chocolate over to Sam. "What's her name?"

 

"Mary," Sam answered. "I'm sorry Gabriel, I don't really do hot drinks with…" he trailed off and motioned to Mary in the carrier. "Kind of a safety thing in case I spill it."

 

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't think about that," Gabriel paused, "You know, there isn't anyone here. You could let her out, if you want. I have everything put away."

 

"You sure?" Sam raised an eyebrow questioningly.

 

"Yup. How much damage can one toddler do?" Gabriel winked. "Here, I'll get her a treat too." He began walking toward the refrigerator in the back of the café.

 

"Gabe, she can't have sugar!" Sam's voice followed him. Gabriel chuckled, and returned with one of the bananas he used in his smoothies.

 

"Sam, I'm not a parent, but I do have a basic understanding of nutrition."

 

"Wouldn't know it from the way you eat," Sam jabbed absentmindedly as he unstrapped the baby carrier. He froze and blushed. "Erm - I'm sorry - I'm not saying you're - you look-"

 

Gabriel interrupted before Sam gave himself an aneurism. "Sammich, it's fine. And it's true. Though I am trying to eat healthier. I'm not exactly getting younger," He looked dolefully at his stomach. Gabriel then brightened, "But, I did help out a lot with Cassie when he was little, and he is in fine shape. In fact, I've been telling him that guys and girls alike would be all over him if he would just _get out of his apartment,_ but that's a story for another day. Is it ok if she has a banana?"

 

Mary had been watching this whole proceeding with huge eyes, and frantically tapped her fingertips together, signing for "more".

 

"That's fine," Sam smiled. He set her on the floor, and Gabriel knelt down and offered her a chunk of banana. The little girl looked at him suspiciously, then approached and snatched the banana from Gabriel, only to return and hide behind Sam's long legs while eating it. Sam removed her hat and ruffled her hair.

 

Gabriel felt a rush of pride and affection toward Sam. This whole time, Sam had been going to school full-time, and raising a kid. And he was obviously doing a good job. He seemed so careful with this precious little girl, who looked so much like him.

 

Sam seemed more at ease now, meeting Gabriel's eyes and holding his gaze, though Gabriel noted his hand didn't leave Mary's head.

 

"Mary is a beautiful name."

 

"She's named after my mom. My mom died in a house fire when I was six months old, so I never knew her, but  I thought it would be nice to honor her memory." Sam shrugged, seeming embarrassed by his sentimentality.

 

"I'm sure she would be proud to have such a lovely little girl named after her," Gabriel smiled at Sam. 

 

"Thanks," Sam said softly.

 

Gabriel took his customary place across the counter from Sam. "So, I guess this is the reason why you spend your evenings with a lame coffeeshop owner, rather than out on the college party scene?" Gabriel smirked to hide his wounded ego. Surely Sam would rather be somewhere else, but was simply unable to. Gabriel couldn't imagine it was all that easy to make social connections or attend events when you have a kid who probably wakes up at who-knows-what time early the next morning.

 

"Eh, I don't feel like I'm missing much. Never been a partier. Much more of a nerd - as you know." Sam grinned and took a sip of his hot chocolate, then continued more quietly, "I'd rather be here with you. And Mary's mom was sick, so…" He trailed off, then raised his eyebrows suddenly. "Wait. You said coffeeshop owner. You own this place?"

 

Gabriel huffed a laugh, but he couldn't help but puff up a little in pride. "You didn't know that? Hm. Obviously I'm not bragging enough!" Gabriel joked. "This is my humble little brain-child. An expensive one too, but I think she's gonna pull through for me." He looked around the shop lovingly.

 

Sam raised his eyebrows, impressed. "Wow. I thought you just worked here. That's awesome. Business seems to be doing well, too - I mean, when I've come in when it's not evening, you're slammed." Sam looked thoughtful for a moment. "Gabe, may I ask…. How old are you? I mean, you can't be that much older than me, and you already have your own business and everything. It's a little intimidating." Sam looked at Gabriel through long lashes over his cup of hot chocolate.

 

"What, you got a thing for older men, Sammy?" Gabriel snorted. Sam blushed a light pink, but didn't deny the accusation. _Interesting…_ Gabriel stopped that train of thought before it left the station. _Dammit Gabriel, stop flirting for two seconds._ "I'm twenty-six. Prime of my life, I might add," Gabriel winked. " _And_ since when did you call me Gabe? Now that I met Mary, are we on a nickname-basis?"

 

"Sorry, that just came out," Sam said sheepishly, then retorted, "And besides, you already call me like, a dozen nicknames!"

 

"S'fine, I like it." _Gabriel, you sap. You'd like whatever this kid calls you._

 

"Anyway," Sam continued, "That's the same age as Dean. And he's very driven and very smart - though he won't admit it, always says I'm the smart one, like there can only be one smart sibling - and he wants to own his own mechanic shop someday, but he isn't there yet. My point being, it's unusual and impressive that someone as young as you has their own business."

 

Now it was Gabriel's turn to blush. "Oh, stop it, you!" But he couldn't help but grin under the praise. "Thanks, Sam," he said more seriously. "And thank you also for letting me meet Mary."

 

Mary had now ventured out from behind Sam's legs and had her face pressed up against the display case.

"Shoot, I'm sorry," Sam moved to pull her away before she left too many smears on the glass, but Gabriel waved him off.

 

"Don't worry about it, it needs cleaned anyway. She isn't the first little kiddo to put their paws all over it."

 

Sam still looked apologetic.

 

"Sam," Gabriel hesitated, meeting Sam's eyes, "You know, you could have told me earlier. I would hope that you would have realized that I wouldn't judge you."

 

"I know," Sam mumbled at his feet, "I was just… nervous." The last word was punctuated with a shrug.

 

"It's ok," Gabriel reassured. "You should bring her by more often."

 

Sam raised an eyebrow at him. "Really? She can be kind of… destructive, if not entertained."

 

"I mean, we can still do our Thursday … thing," _Thing? Really Gabriel?_ "But if you brought her by some other times too, I wouldn't complain."

 

Sam stared at him a moment, apparently trying to figure out if he was being serious. Evidently satisfied, he nodded. "Thanks, Gabriel."

 

"Don't worry about it, Sammykins." Gabriel crouched down next to the toddler. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, Mary. Keep your dad on his toes." He looked up and shot Sam a wink. Mary contemplated him seriously, then waved a little hand. "Bye!" She cooed.

 

Sam picked her up again and secured her against his chest. Gabriel found himself envious of a toddler, to his dismay. He wanted to snuggle up to Sam too, and listen to his heartbeat, and run his fingers through his long hair, while Sam holds him tight --

 

Sam's voice broke into his thoughts. "Thanks again for the hot chocolate. I'll see you next Thursday, or maybe sooner." He started walking toward the door. "Goodnight, Gabe," Sam smiled.

 

"Goodnight Sam. Goodnight Mary," Gabriel waved as they walked out the door and faded into the night.

 

 

 


	8. Table for Two

Gabriel

 

Gabriel eyed different types of child safety locks. He picked up packages from two different brands, compared them, and couldn't tell the difference. _How do parents even figure this stuff out? Like, there's so many options, and there isn't exactly an instruction manual!_ He shrugged and put several packages of the cheaper brand in his cart - along with the board books, crayons, several coloring books, and kid-sized table he had picked out. Gabriel rolled his eyes at himself. _Man, you have it bad. You STILL don't even know if he's attracted to men._

 

Gabriel knew that Sam had been with a woman in his previous relationship, of which Mary was a result. He felt a pang of jealousy, even though he knew he had no claim on Sam. He was sure his ex was gorgeous and perfect and smart… At least, he prayed that she was an ex. He figured that if they were still together, Sam would have mentioned her. He seemed like the type of person who would show off a significant other like they were something special, because that's just who Sam is -- he sees the best in people and wants them to shine.

 

Gabriel was hoping desperately that Sam was pan, or bi, or _something_ that would even present the possibility of him wanting a relationship with a gay coffeeshop owner. His stomach twisted when he realized how selfish he was being. Gabriel tried to strengthen his resolve. _Even if all I get out of this is a friendship, that is more than enough. And I need to show Sam that._

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Sam hummed to himself while he drove to campus with Mary. He was planning on popping by to say hi to Gabriel, and he felt a happy anticipation. Sam realized that the past few months, he really had been in a much better mood. _Probably one of the side effects of actually talking to people your age outside of class,_ Sam thought. Worry tainted his contentment. _Am I going to seem clingy? Or like a stalker? It's only been two days since I saw Gabe last._ He rolled some of the tension out of his shoulders. He was already on campus now, it would be pointless to turn back. He parked, and this time let Mary walk instead of carrying her. She could stand to burn off some energy. Sam had to stoop to one side to hold her hand, but it was worth the ache in his back to see her toddling along with heavy but mostly steady footsteps, the pompom on her hat bobbing as she walked beside him. She would sometimes stop and point at trees, snowbanks, a dog, a passing car, or whatever else caught her attention, and babble at Sam, her eyes attentive and bright.

 

Even walking at Mary's pace, they reached _Expressoself!_ soon enough. Sam felt nerves fluttering in his stomach. He always felt nervous when he attempted to socialize with Mary present; it was difficult to divide his attention between her and his companion, and he always felt like he wasn't being very good company as a result. In addition, often whomever he was meeting with seemed unsure how to act around Mary. They either ignored her entirely, would only talk about her and nothing else to Sam, or would talk at her in a singsongy voice that made Mary scowl.

 

_Not Gabe though._ Sam smiled. He had expected Gabriel to act like the other childless bachelors he knew - awkward and uncomfortable. But no, he had wanted to take care of Mary by giving her a snack, didn't care when she practically drooled on his display case, and crouched down on her level to talk to her - without the irritating singsongy tone. Sam wondered how much younger Castiel was than Gabriel, and if that's why Gabriel seemed at ease around children.

 

Feeling reassured, Sam entered the coffeeshop, Mary in tow. There were a few people in line, so he just stood off to the side and watched Gabe make their drinks and hand out pastries. Gabriel had a nice smile. It lit up his whole face, and Sam couldn't help but smiling too when he saw it. Gabe's laughter was contagious as well -- normally he only gave a little chuckle, but a few times Sam had been able to make him really laugh -- a loud cackling that involved his entire body.

 

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows at Sam. Sam had been so lost in his recollections that he hadn't realized that Gabriel had finished handing out the last coffee and had started walking toward him. Sam could feel himself blushing and his palms started to sweat. Fortunately, Gabriel didn't leave him to suffer long.

 

"Come on, have a seat," he said as he pulled up a chair for Sam at their usual place at the counter.

 

"Such a gentleman," Sam chuckled. _Oh no. Did I just say that? Reign it in, Sam._ Sam knew Gabriel handed out flirtations like candy, but he didn't want to make him uncomfortable by adopting that practice. He lead Mary over to the chair and settled her on his lap.

 

"Does that make you the girl?" Gabriel teased.

 

Sam gave him what Dean called his "bitchface".

 

"Ouch!" Gabriel put a hand  to his heart. "Sam, I'm surprised you had that in you, beneath that outer layer of sweetness and innocence!"

 

"Yeah, well," Sam gestured at Mary, "Not entirely innocent, obviously."

 

"Sam, as much as I would love to discuss your sex life, I'm not sure that's polite table talk," Gabriel winked. Sam blushed again. _Dammit._

 

Gabriel turned and reached into the back of the display case. "Here, I actually have something for Mary. I made banana and rice-flour crackers. Would she like some?" He glanced up at Sam questioningly.

 

"Um, sure," Sam raised an eyebrow, "Is that typically part of your menu?"

 

"Nah, I just knew you guys couldn't stay away, so I figured Mary would like something to munch on," Gabriel said as he handed Mary the cracker. Mary looked at him with suspicion, again, but accepted the food more quickly than she had the previous visit.

 

Gabriel leaned across the counter. "See Mary, I'm gonna try to keep luring you both in here with good food. So you tell your dad how much you love my baking, ok?"

 

Mary nodded seriously as Sam laughed.

 

"Thanks Gabe, you didn't have to do that."

 

"No," Gabe's voice softened, "But I wanted to."

 

Sam paused, unsure of how to reply. He wasn't accustomed to people doing things for him. Even with Jess, he had really been the one managing the household, paying the bills, and caring for Mary half the time. After a long hesitation, he asked, "So, what made you decide that you wanted to own a coffeeshop?"

 

"That's a good question," Gabriel looked contemplative and distant, "I've always liked the atmosphere of a good café and bakery. Once Cas was old enough that I didn't have to watch him as much, whenever my older brothers would start bickering, I would go to the café up the road. It was nice, just kind of watching people bustling about, and the smell of the coffee, the background noise… even though it was busy, it felt peaceful, you know?" He made eye contact with Sam. "I'd sit there and read and just unwind for hours… And I wanted to be able to give that to other people. Besides," Gabriel winked, "I really am a good cook. I love food - a bit too much, depending on who you ask - and I love baking everything here."

 

Sam peered at the display case. "You bake all of this?"

 

"That I do," Gabriel replied, "Well, some of the more simple things - like the cookies or whatever - I sometimes have my employees do. But everything else is me. It's relaxing, most of the time." Gabriel shrugged.

 

Sam had never paid much attention to the display case - he was normally more engrossed with his conversation with Gabriel. Now he looked. There were cookies and croissants, danishes, muffins, strudel, pie slices, small cakes with intricate floral designs in the frosting. Even the more simple desserts had beautiful presentation - a dusting of powdered sugar here, some lemon zest there, a few pieces of shaved chocolate on top.

 

"Wow," Sam brought his eyes back to Gabe, "You must stay busy."

 

Gabriel raised his eyebrows pointedly. "You too."

 

Sam chucked wryly. "Yeah, I do." At this point, Mary was trying to climb off of his lap and onto the counter, and screeched when Sam tried to hold her in place. Sam grimaced. "Sorry. She's very vocal about what she wants."

 

"Nah, it's fine. That's a good thing. She should learn early to speak her mind loud and clear," Gabriel shot Sam a grin. "Actually, I might have something she might like. C'mere." Gabriel straightened from where he was leaning on the counter. Sam lifted Mary and hesitated, staying behind the invisible line dividing public customer space and the workers' area.

 

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "C'mon, I own the place. No one's going to fire me for letting you back here." Sam laughed and followed him. He actually didn't have to go far; only just around the corner, tucked behind the counter that hosted the expresso machine and within eyesight of Gabriel and Sam's counter, was a small, child-sized table. It was covered with a plaid tablecloth that vaguely reminded Sam of one of his shirts. In the center was a mason jar painted teal, full of crayons, and in a crate on the table there were a couple coloring books and some picture books.

 

"Ta-da!" Gabriel gestured toward the table.

 

Sam gaped. His throat tightened, and he was at a complete loss for words.

 

Gabriel seemed to take his silence as disapproval. "I mean, I don't have kids, so I wasn't sure if she could really color yet, but I got non-toxic crayons, and I tried to find books that looked sturdy and had high contrast. But, I mean, if it's not age-appropriate, just let me know," Gabriel rambled, "Oh! And I put child safety locks on all the cupboards. My cashier couldn't get into them without help, so I figured they'd work for Mary," He laughed nervously.

 

"Gabe," Sam finally croaked, "It's perfect. Thank you." Mary walked up, sat on one of the little chairs, pulled one coloring book out and threw it on the floor, then found a picture book and started flipping through it, pointing at images and babbling. "Here," Sam began to pull out his wallet, "All that stuff couldn't have been cheap, I can pay you back."

 

"Nuh-uh," Gabriel wagged a finger at him, "If you pay me, I'll just have to keep forcing free drinks and pastries on you,"

 

"You do that anyway," Sam said weakly, "And doing stuff for free isn't really a good business model."

 

Gabriel smiled broadly. "Well, good thing I don't do stuff for free for just anyone."

 

 

 

 


	9. Impending Family Visit

Sam

 

Sam laid in bed, listening to Mary's soft snores from her crib. The sound was reassuring. Sam couldn't have told how much time he spent hovering over her little body, especially when she was younger, his hand on her chest to make sure she was breathing. Even Jess told him he was being neurotic. Come back to bed Sam, you checked on her five minutes ago! He smiled at the memory. Even if it was for the best, he missed Jess's companionship. He missed someone laying next to him in bed, someone to cuddle up to him on early mornings, someone to talk to when he got home after a stressful day. Sam made his lover his world; without a partner, where he thought he would feel vacant, he felt overfull; he had no one upon whom to bestow the romantic affection and care that he possessed. Of course, most of his time and energy was consumed taking care of Mary, but that was obviously different than the way he cared for a partner.

 

Sam couldn't quite name the feeling. It wasn't loneliness (though he felt that too). Rather, he felt… unhinged. Disconnected. Full of love, with nowhere to spend it.

 

Sam envied the couples with children who were together. It had been nice when both him and Jess were home with Mary. There is something about parenting in tandem with someone else, just having another person present, that seems to disperse the stress of caring for a young one. Sam wanted that. He ached for family dinners and reading picture books on the couch together and going for walks hand in hand, all three of them in a line.

 

It was your choice, Sam. You could still have that. Sam knew he wouldn't have been truly happy, however. He loved Jess; he still loved her as a friend. But he just needed something more. He wasn't even sure what. So, as a result, now he would have to deal with all these roiling emotions alone.

 

As much as Sam was driven to provide for someone, it was a nice change of pace to be cared for. Something as simple as Gabriel offering Sam and Mary a snack and providing some conversation and a distraction from the monotonous routine that Sam normally followed with Mary (lunch, nap, snack, outdoor play, dinner, bath, books, bed) felt hugely relieving. It was a weight off his shoulders. As if that weren't enough, he carved out a space for Mary and Sam in his shop. He spent his time and money making sure they were comfortable. Sam wasn't sure what would have possessed Gabriel to do that. Sam was just some guy who came in to chat with him on Thursdays, who hadn't even trusted him enough to tell him about his family. And yet here Gabriel was, selflessly welcoming Sam and Mary into his life. Gabriel must think something special of him. After all, he had said he wouldn't do something like that for just anyone. Sam felt a fluttering in his chest at the thought; confusing, but pleasant and warm. _Much like Gabriel himself,_ Sam thought sleepily.

 

\---- -----------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Sam had just picked Mary up from Jess after his classes finished and was just unlocking the door to his apartment when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. He still had Mary in one arm, his keys and her diaper bag in the other. He disgracefully dropped the keys and the diaper bag, gently set down Mary (who immediately ran over to her toy barn) and pried the phone from his pocket.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Sammy! It's good to hear from you. How's life in Cali?"

 

"Hey, Dean," Sam smiled. "I'm good. How're things with you?"

 

"Oh, same old, same old. People are morons who don't know how cars work. Still saving up to start up the garage. Impala's still running." Dean sounded nonchalant, but Sam could tell he was happy to talk to him. Sam felt a rush of guilt - it had been awhile since he'd called his brother.

 

Dean continued, "Hey, you getting out much?"

 

Sam rolled his eyes. Dean had been asking that ever since he broke up with Jess. He knew he had good intentions, but Sam just couldn't do casual relationships or hookups. "If by 'getting out' you mean going to my classes and making daily trips to the library, yes. If you mean having sex, no."

 

"C'mon, man! You gotta use that bod while you're young. Chicks would be all over you! You can rock the single dad vibe."

 

"I'm am rocking the single dad vibe," Sam said distractedly, cradling the phone on his shoulder while he put away his keys, backpack, and Mary's diaper bag.

 

"Dude! You gotta girl?"

 

"No, Dean, I do not 'have' a girl - which is a misogynistic phrasing, anyway."

 

"Dude. Stanford has turned you into a bleeding feminist. I don't believe you. Who is she? Spill."

 

"There isn't -" Sam was going to say anyone, but it just didn't feel right, " - a girl." He knew Dean heard his hesitation. Once Dean put his mind to something, he had laser-like focus on details.

 

"Suuurrre. Well, if it gets serious, I want to meet her. Use protection!"

 

"Dean, did you just call to talk about my sex life?"

 

"Nah. That would be a boring call - " Sam scoffed. " - I actually was planning on visiting next week. If that's ok. I have a few vacation days, and you'll be on winter break by then, right?"

 

Sam realized he was nodding instead of talking into the phone. "Yeah, that's right." He finished up his final exams this week. He had been planning on sleeping and binge reading and binge watching Netflix the following week, but he supposed that could be put off if it meant getting to see Dean.

 

"Awesome. I'm not sure if I'll get a hotel yet or if I'll be crashing with you."

 

Sam glanced around his small and messy apartment. Cleaning with a toddler was a very fruitless effort that was normally undone within half an hour. "Um. Yeah. Whichever works."

 

"Ooh! Is she sleeping over? I'll get a hotel, no worries Sammy! I'll even take Mary for a couple nights, how about that?" Sam could practically see him wiggling his eyebrows.

 

Sam sighed. Dean was inventing a girlfriend for him. But hey, if it allowed him a couple nights of sleeping in, he wasn't going to complain. "That'd be nice, Dean. Thank you," he said genuinely.

 

"No prob. I'll let you know in a few days exactly when I'll be arriving."

 

"Yup, talk to you soon."

 

"Bye Sammy."

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel pulled the poem that shared his name out from under the cash drawer. No one was in the store and he had already stocked up the display cases, so he allowed himself a moment to daydream.

 

Not that he would admit it to Sam, but he had found a poem for Sam too. Or rather, one that described how he felt around Sam. Not that Sam would ever read it, because their relationship was unlikely to progress beyond friendship, but a man could hope.


	10. I Can't Take You Anywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some mild homophobic comments from Dean. I would like to note that they come from a place of ignorance, not hatred, on Dean's part. Also, Dean is not going to be a villain in this fic; however, true to form, he says stupid things and then has to apologize for them later.

Sam

 

Sam was rudely awakened from his nap on the couch - his legs hanging off at awkward angles from one armrest - by a banging on his door. He had a moment of confusion as he roused himself from sleep. After his finals, he decided to catch up on some sleep while Mary napped. _Oh right. Dean._ He looked around his apartment, toys scattered everywhere across the floor. _Crap._ Sam had intended to pick up a little bit; he didn't need Dean thinking he was some sort of slob. For all of the grease and grime Dean got covered in on a daily basis at the garage, he was a closet neat-freak. His apartment was always immaculate, like, eat-off-the-floors type of clean. _Well, too late to clean now._ Sam swung his legs off the couch and opened the door.

 

"Sammy!" Dean boomed as he swaggered in. He cast an eye around the apartment. "Not bad! I'd say this might even be a bit better than your old place!" He dropped his duffle bag and pulled Sam into a hug. "I've missed you, little bro."

 

Sam resisted the urge to tell Dean that he was not, in fact, little. Instead, he tightened the hug and said, "I've missed you too, Dean." It felt good to have his big brother here. Reassuring and safe. Dean had always looked out for Sam, and it was nice to be able to let his guard down a bit and let Dean watch out for him - not that Sam would ever admit to it.

 

Wailing started from the bedroom. "Looks like we woke Mary up," Sam said with a half smile. He went to pick her up out of her crib. She blinked blearily at him, one side of her face red with lines from where she slept with her cheek smushed into the mattress. "Yeah, I know, it sucks to be woken up in the middle of a nap, doesn't it?" Sam said softly. "Uncle Dean is here. Wanna say hi?" Sam carried her out to the living room. Immediately, Dean took her from Sam and scooped her up.

 

"How's my favorite little tyke? You've gotten big! Got some of your dear ol' dad's genes, huh?"

 

Mary looked at Dean somewhat blankly, as if trying to place where she knew him from. Evidently she remembered, because she gave a toothy smile.

 

"That's my girl," Dean returned her grin and began to tickle her sides. Mary shrieked with laughter and squirmed until Dean put her down.

 

"Hey, you guys eat yet?" Dean asked, "I can take you out somewhere. My treat. We can take a stroll downtown too. I gotta stretch my legs after being in Baby for two days." Dean stretched with his arms over his head for effect.

 

"Free food for the poor college student? You won't hear any complaints from me." Sam chuckled as he grabbed his wallet and Mary's diaper bag. "I have to drop Mary off with Jess first, ok?"

 

\-- ---

 

After moving Mary's carseat to the Impala (Dean said there was no way they were riding in Sam's RAV4 when he had Baby as an option), dropping of Mary at Jess's dorm, and finally finding parking, they were walking downtown. It was Saturday, but there actually weren't that many students out walking - most of them had shipped out for home the moment their exams were finished.

 

Dean whistled as he walked with his hands in his pockets of his jacket. Several college-age girls ogled him, and he gave them a charming (if a bit wolfish) smile.

 

Sam rolled his eyes. "I can't take you anywhere, you know that?"

 

"C'mon Sammy, lighten up! You gotta get some action sometime, right?"

 

Sam stayed silent, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. He never understood how Dean could feel comfortable sharing his body with a stranger. Even just imagining someone he didn't know intimately touching him made Sam tense with revulsion.

 

Dean didn't seem perturbed by Sam's lack of response, however. "Hey, you feeling like sushi? Burgers? One of your girly salads?"

 

"Doesn't matter," Sam shoved his unpleasant thoughts of one-night-stands aside.

 

Sam was vaguely aware that they were approaching _Expressoself!_ and couldn't help but feel a twinge of longing.

 

As if reading his mind, Dean said, "Hey, coffee here good? I could use some. I ended up driving through most of the night."

 

Sam nodded weakly and made some affirmative noise. He sometimes felt caught up in the whirlwind that was Dean: unstoppable, single-minded energy and charisma that just dragged along anyone caught in its path. And so he found himself following Dean in, anxiety rising in his chest, although he wasn't sure why. _You're just going to get a coffee for Dean. No big deal._ What Sam didn't want to admit to himself was that he didn't want to have to discuss his friendship with Gabriel. Dean would somehow prize out of him the story of how they met, and then he'd compare it to a romcom, and Sam would never hear the end of the teasing of how gay he was. _Am I gay?_  Sam wondered. _Stupid question. Obviously not. I was with Jess._ But… something about insisting he was straight, like Dean liked to proclaim every chance he got, somehow felt wrong. And somewhere in the midst of Sam's undefined sexuality was Gabriel.

 

At this point, Sam felt like he was going to have a panic attack if he so much as saw Gabriel. _Maybe he's not working today._ But Sam soon saw that fortune was not on his side.

 

As soon as he and Dean stepped into the doorway, Gabriel's eyes met his. Gabriel positively _beamed._ He couldn’t do much else, as he was taking a customer's order - there was a line ahead of Sam and Dean - but just that smile was enough to prompt one from Sam in return and kindle a warm feeling in his chest.

 

All he had to do was keep himself separate from Dean and Gabriel to avoid any awkward conversations. "Hey, I'll go find us a table," Sam tried for a casual tone.

 

"Cool," Dean said absently, looking at the menu.

 

Sam stalked to a table in the corner of the café as inconspicuously as a six-foot-four man can. He sat and waited for Dean to return with his coffee, staring at the tablecloth.

 

Dean soon flopped into the chair opposite him. "Dude. The barista was giving me, like, some really intense, creepy look."

 

Sam's raised his gaze from the intriguing tablecloth pattern and looked toward the counter. Gabriel met his eyes and raised one eyebrow. Sam smiled weakly before focusing on Dean.

 

"Don't worry about it," He tried to sound nonchalant. He wished he had gotten his own coffee, or had brought a newspaper, or _something,_ because now he had nothing to do but stare at either Dean, Gabriel, or the tablecloth. He opted for a fourth choice, looking out the window at passerby, while Dean slurped his coffee across from him.

 

"Sam. Now he's making goo-goo eyes at _you_."

 

Sam shrugged casually, as if guys making goo-goo eyes at him was a common occurrence.

 

" _Sam!"_ Dean hissed. Sam pretended not to hear him, instead traced a finger through the condensation his breath had formed on the window.

 

"Oi! You leave any fingerprints on that, you're cleaning it, Samsquatch!"

 

Sam jumped, nearly falling out of his chair, and windmilled his arms like a startled bird for a moment while he regained his balance. Gabriel snickered.

 

"Gabe," he wheezed, once he had his feet solidly on the floor again.

 

"You're not going to go into cardiac arrest, are you? Here, have a scone. It'll make you feel better," Gabriel winked as he placed the dessert in front of Sam.

 

"Thanks," Sam smiled, even as his heart raced. He was just waiting for Dean to -

 

"So, you guys know each other?" Dean raised his eyebrows in question. _Here we go…._

 

"Sure thing, Gigantor over here just can't stay away from my baking," Gabriel winked again. "He's my favorite taste-tester."

 

Dean continued to stare at Gabriel incredulously, eyebrows raising impossibly higher. "Taste tester?"

 

"Sure thing. Why, jealous? You want some sugar too?" Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows salaciously. Sam stifled a groan.

 

Dean scoffed. "Dude, we don't swing that way."

 

"Dean," Sam warned.

 

Gabriel shrugged. "Your loss, big boy."

 

Sam swallowed a giggle at Dean's affronted look. "Do you always let him harass you like this?" He asked Sam. "Like, I know you're going through a dry spell right now, but seriously?"

 

Sam could sense Gabriel stiffen beside him.

"Dean, shut up." Sam knew he sounded like a petulant child, but he couldn't believe how tactless his brother was being.

 

"What? I'm your big brother, it's my job to look out for you. And if that means dragging you out of your apartment and - ahem - _introducing_ you to some lovely ladies at the bar, then that's what I'll do."

 

Sam could see Gabriel slowly retreating, but still likely within earshot.

 

"I don't _want_ to hook up with some girl, Dean!" He all but growled.

 

"Oh, but pudgy, horny baristas are ok?"

 

"Dean, _stop._ " Sam barely raised his voice, but he hoped there was power behind it, even as he felt the blush creeping up his cheeks and his hands start to sweat. Damn psychosomatic reactions.

 

He knew Dean noticed. His mouth gaped open slightly. "Oh, no, Sammy… really?"

 

Sam wouldn't meet his eyes.

 

"Just because you broke up with Jess doesn't mean you need to go gay! I mean, I know this is a liberal area and all - "

 

Sam stared his brother down. "I think you should take a walk, Dean," he said coldly.

 

Dean raised his hands in a surrendering gesture. "Sorry, Sammy." He had the decency to look somewhat apologetic. And without another word he rose and walked out the door.

 

Sam slumped down in his chair, tension leaving his body. He wanted to bury his head in his hands, but he couldn't look distraught in front of Gabriel's customers. Gabriel, who was now nowhere to be seen. Sam waited a few minutes to make sure he didn't run into Dean, then left, his emotions roiling in his gut, the foremost one being guilt at not being able to apologize to Gabriel.

 

 

 


	11. Misunderstandings and Missed Opportunities

 Gabriel

 

When Gabriel saw Sam enter the coffee shop, his spirits instantly lifted. He was just finishing lunch rush, and he was exhausted, but Sam's smile brightened his day considerably.

 

It was only when Sam went to go sit down instead of waiting in line that he realized that there was someone with Sam. A devastatingly handsome someone. Probably one of the underwear models that were in Sam's league. Jealousy reared its head, but Gabriel swallowed it down. He had no claim on Sam.  Sam could bring a date out for coffee if he wanted to. Though, perhaps bringing said date to _Gabriel's_ coffee shop was a little heartless _. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Though how would he know, Gabriel? You're just friends. You haven't even asked him on a date._ Gabriel glanced back at Sam. Why did Sam look so miserable? He looked like he wanted to disappear, hunched up over the table. Maybe the date wasn't going well. Gabriel glared back at Underwear Model. He had several inches of height (and likely a lot more muscle mass under the flannel which strangely matched Sam's typical aesthetic) on Gabriel, but that wouldn't stop Gabriel from beating him up in the alley out back. Or, spitting in his coffee, if he was being more realistic.

 

When the man ordered, however, he was polite and friendly. He seemed completely at ease, and utterly unaware of Sam's discomfort. Gabriel tried to discern if he was actually nice, or if his charisma just concealed the fact that he was an asshole who wasn't taking Sam on a proper date where he enjoyed himself instead of practically hiding under the table.

 

Gabriel made Dean's order and hurried through the rest of the line. He was going to go over to Sam and Underwear Model's table and rescue Sam if necessary. Not that he knew what he would say or do if he did figure out if this was in fact a date gone sour, but he'd figure something out. Sammy was obviously too nice to ditch the guy on his own. So Gabriel grabbed a scone and walked over to the table, attempting to exude confidence.

 

Sam appeared to have found something very interesting to look at outside the window, and Underwear Model was sipping his coffee nonchalantly - though he thought he heard him whisper something to Sam as he was approaching. Sam began doodling in the condensation on the window.

 

"Oi! You leave any fingerprints on that, you're cleaning it, Samsquatch!" Gabriel joked. Poor Sam was so twitchy he nearly fell out of his chair at Gabriel's voice.

 

Gabriel offered Sam the scone, invented a random innuendo on the fly, and was hoping to get more details on who Sam's date was, when Underwear Model said,

 

"Dude, we don't swing that way."

 

_What?_

 

So, unless both Sam and Underwear Model were _very_ far in the closet, this wasn't a date. Oopsies. Gabriel took a good look at both of them. If they were friends, Gabriel would expect Sam to look a bit happier. They were too casually dressed for this to be a job interview. Both wearing flannel. Both handsome in a similar rugged way. Related, perhaps?

 

Gabriel made a flirty quip almost unconsciously, and Underwear Model - Dean, Sam had called him - implied that he was harassing Sam. Gabriel's stomach dropped. What if he _had_ been making Sam uncomfortable, and Sam was just too nice to tell him to shove off?

 

"I'm your big brother, it's my job to look out for you…"

 

_Ah._ Elder brother. Evidently one with whom Sam did not have a good relationship, judging by the stress rolling off of him.

 

He listened absentmindedly as Dean was saying that he was going to get Sam laid. He thought that was probably his cue to leave, but then Sam said,

 

"I don't _want_ to hook up with some girl, Dean!"

 

_Well, that's interesting._ Normally young, heterosexual men wouldn't refuse sex. So Gabriel thought, at least - he wasn't speaking from experience, exactly.

 

"Oh, but pudgy, horny baristas are ok?" Gabriel winced at Dean's voice even as he walked back behind the counter. It was true, after all. He couldn't hear the rest of the conversation, except for snippets.

 

" - doesn't mean you need to go gay!" Dean's voice was rising in volume. Gabriel peeked back at the brothers. Sam looked furious. If he were in Dean's place, he'd probably be beating a quick retreat, but Dean seemed unperturbed.

 

 "I think you should take a walk, Dean," Sam's voice was low and insistent. Gabriel knew he should find an angry six-foot-four man intimidating, but dang, the way Sam took control of the situation and how the timbre of his voice became more gravelly was sexy.

 

 Dean threw up his hands in a placating gesture, then actually left. Gabriel watched long enough to see Sam slouch in his seat, looking exhausted and defeated, then backed away into the kitchen, out of sight. His cashier could handle it if anyone came in.

 

He felt like a coward, but he didn't know how to comfort Sam. What would he say? " _Sorry your brother just outed you in public?" If that's even what that was. Or, "are you even gay?" Or, "I think I'm in love with you?"_

 

Gabriel froze at his last thought. Was he in love? He was certainly acting like it - cleaning his café specifically for when Sam came in, baking Sam's favorite desserts the night before, reading parenting blogs so that he knew how to talk to Mary and so he could feign understanding when Sam told him about the ways she had been testing his patience and her different developmental stages while he sipped his coffee, looking like a god.

 

_Dang it, Gabriel._

 

Gabriel decided to reflect more on his feelings another time. Right now, he had to help Sam. But how? Gabriel remembered when he first officially came out, he had felt a bit adrift - in part he had defined himself through the way others viewed him, but if they viewed him differently… It was confusing to say the least, and it was difficult at times to cling to the truth of his identity. He could have used someone to ground him back then, and he could help Sam now. Gabriel was a tactile person, so he liked physical contact to relax, but he didn't think Sam would appreciate a gay barista all over him just after he had _some_ sort of conflict with his moronic brother about his sexuality. If he would ever appreciate said gay barista being all over him at any time. Dean was right, after all. Sam could do much better - and not just in the sense of choosing female partners. Sam was going to be a _lawyer_ , and Gabriel ran a dinky coffee shop that was still in the red. And Sam was an Adonis. Gabriel was, well. Pudgy and horny.

 

Gabriel took a deep breath and tried to think positively before trying to cheer Sam up. Pudgy was not a permanent condition - he was on a diet. And he was funny (sometimes), and caring (probably too much, as he was prone to manipulation), and Max liked him, at the very least. _And_ , at least _Dean_ thought that Sam was not exclusively attracted to women (though Sam had been pretty quiet on the matter), so _maybe_ Gabriel would have the smallest of chances with Sam.

 

Feeling not much more confident but more resolved to talk to Sam - what the hell he would say, he still had no clue - Gabriel exited the kitchen and was going to stride toward the table in the corner, only to find it unoccupied.

 

Sam was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a little more angst (I promise it will be resolved). I just couldn't resist giving Gabriel's perspective.


	12. Quarter-Life Crisis

Dean

 

Dean didn't mean to sound like a homophobic asshole. He really didn't. He didn't _think_ he was a homophobic asshole. He had just been taken by surprise. First the decidedly average-looking barista was clearly fawning over Sam, and then tried to flirt with _him_! And instead of brushing off the man's advances in the polite but disinterested way that he usually used with women he wasn't interested in, Sam had looked content. _Smug_ , even. Sure, he tried to hide it, but Dean had raised Sammy. He knew his tells.

 

So, what the hell? Why hadn't Sam talked to him about this? Like, were he and the pint-sized barista an item? It was one thing to have a crush on a fictional character like Dr. Sexy, it was another to be acting on those… feelings in reality and not say anything.

 

 And _why_? Jess had been beautiful and kind and smart. Dean did not fault Sam in the slightest for breaking it off with her - sometimes two good people just simply aren't meant to be together - but then instead of rebounding with some chick that he likes enough to bang but not enough to get attached to, like a normal person, Sam becomes besotted with some random guy at the local café? Not that he checked his brother out in any sort of creepy incestuous way, but he had eyes. Sam was good-looking, and for all the teasing Dean gave him about being a nerd, he was proud of how intelligent and diligent Sam was. So what was it about Random Barista that did it for him, when he could have his pick of any of the beautiful women on Stanford campus?

 

And what was Sam's deal anyway? Like, was he gay, or bi, or pan, or _what_? How do you even talk to your kid brother about something like that?

 

So, yes, he had sounded crude, and his delivery could have been better, and he could have chosen a better time and place to have a welcoming and chic-flick discussion of Sam's feelings and all that crap. But instead he had made Sam angry, when he was supposed to be spending a nice, relaxing vacation with him. Just great.

 

So after grabbing a burger, Dean went to his hotel room and tried not to think too much about whether or not his brother had had gay sex with the blond midget at the café. Like, how would that even work, with the height difference? Dean quickly derailed that train of thought. _Girls. Boobs. Beer. Pie._

 

_\---------------------------------_

Sam

 

Of course, he had gone and told Dean to leave, forgetting that Dean had driven him here. After walking around for a bit, Sam hailed a taxi to get back to his apartment.

 

He couldn't believe Dean. He loved Dean, but his mouth ran away from him far too often to be easily forgiven. And poor Gabriel had heard all the _stupid_ things Dean had said. Gabriel, who Sam assumed was at the very least not straight, based on the amount of innuendos he made toward men.

 

_We're probably going to be banned from Expressoself! Or sued._

 

Sam chuckled humorlessly at the thought of being sued before he even had his law degree.

 

He probably should have stayed to apologize to Gabriel on Dean's behalf, but the café had started to feel claustrophobic. He needed to take his sexuality crisis outside.

 

If this was, indeed, what he was having. A sexuality crisis.

 

He couldn't deny that while he thought of Gabriel as a friend, he also had started having… interesting physical reactions to Gabriel's presence. Nothing sexual, but… his stomach twisted in knots before he came to see Gabriel on Thursdays, though the tension dissipated once he saw Gabriel's smile. And Gabriel's smile gave him a warm feeling that felt difficult to contain. He even had found himself leaning increasingly farther over the counter while he and Gabriel talked, remaining just on the edge of Gabriel's personal space bubble.

 

_What is happening to me?_

 

Though, the feeling itself was not entirely unfamiliar. It had been similar to how he had felt with Jess. He had never considered a relationship with her - or physical attraction, for that matter - until it shocked him with its existence and realness and he was left stunned and somewhat aroused.

 

He wasn't sure he was ready for that with Gabriel - despite what his heart and his body seemed to be saying. He had to maintain a modicum of logic. He spent most of his time studying and working at the library, he had virtually no social life, and he didn't party. Surely Gabriel, who was charming and extroverted, would find him exceedingly boring. Secondly, he didn't know where he would be going for graduate school, should he be accepted anywhere - he might be moving. Though that also involved coordinating with Jess, as they needed to live within reasonable distance to split parenting time, but that was something to worry about another day. Returning to the problem at hand: he didn't even know if Gabriel was interested in him to begin with. In addition, he came out of a serious relationship relatively recently. Was it time to date again? Finally, he had a kid. He expected anyone he was with to treat her as her own. Or _his_ own. Though really, Gabriel already did. He welcomed Mary as much as he did Sam, he didn't freak out when she got fingerprints on his display cases, he baked specifically for her, he read her the books he had bought for her  when Sam brought her by and business was slow. And he had asked nothing of Sam in return.

 

Normally thinking rationally helped calm Sam down. Right now he just felt disappointed, like he was being denied something he longed for.  Or rather, like he was doing the denying himself.

 

Sam hated to admit it, but he suspected one of the factors of his self-denial was the fact that Gabriel was a man. If he was being honest with himself, he wouldn't identify as strictly heterosexual, but he had never actually felt attraction to a man, so he just kind of…. Ignored it. Sam had nothing against same-sex relationships in general, but for him personally, this was unfamiliar territory. And unfamiliar meant frightening. What was the etiquette? Who asked out whom? Who paid for dinner? How would it feel to kiss a man? How do two men have sex?

 

Thinking was making things worse, not better. Sam felt nauseous.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam was on his second cup of coffee while Mary ate a crepe with peanut butter. Even Jess had noticed how exhausted he looked when he had picked up Mary and had asked somewhat suspiciously if he had had a late night. Sam had merely said he didn't sleep well. He didn't add that his lack of sleep was due to him spending most of the night mulling over if it was possible for a twenty-two year old to be unsure of their sexual orientation.

 

His phone buzzed on the table. He looked at it blearily.

 

Dean: _Hi Sammy. I wanted to say I'm sorry about yesterday._

Dean: _I still want to see u and Mary. Can I come over?_

 

Sam sighed. He knew he'd have to deal with Dean at some point. He was just… so… tired. But he replied to the text anyway.

 

Sam: _You can head over._

 

He and Mary were still in PJ's and he knew that if Dean hadn't been trying to get back on his good side, he'd probably make some jab about the state of his hair, but he couldn't bring himself to care enough to make himself look more presentable.

 

Soon Dean is at his door, holding a tray with strudel and more coffees. He looks sheepish - or at least as sheepish as Dean was capable of looking.

 

"Hey Sammy," Dean says as he thrusts the food toward Sam, like a peace offering. Sam hesitates for a moment, then accepts it. Normally he eats a healthy breakfast, but it's not like the sugary strudel could make him feel much worse. And the third cup of coffee couldn't hurt.

 

Dean shuffled his feet, just within the doorway. "Alright, let's get this over with," he muttered, "I'm sorry, Sammy."

 

Sam looked at him, face expressionless. He knew if he accepted Dean's apology now, Dean would never say anything more on the topic ever again.

 

Dean sighed and sat down at the table across from Sam. "You guys just took me by surprise, ok? It's your life, you can… you know." Dean shifted in his seat. "I mean, I want you to be happy." Dean paused, thinking. "How long have you two been together?"

 

Sam raised his eyes from his cup of coffee to look at Dean. "We're not."

 

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Could've fooled me."

 

"Seriously Dean, we're just friends."

 

Mary decided this was a good moment to screech for attention.

 

"Hiya pumpkin pie," Dean smiled at her, "Want some strudel?"

 

"Dean," Sammy complained.

 

"What?" Dean retorted, "Heaven knows she never gets any real American breakfast around you!"

 

"I think strudels are Austrian," Sam says absentmindedly.

 

Evidently Dean wanted to change the topic to avoid a lecture on the history of pastries, as he asked, "So… are you…. _not_ straight?"

 

Sam tensed. "I don't know," he replied tersely.

 

Dean looked at him blankly. "What do you mean, you don't know?"

 

"I _mean_ , I _don't know_ ," Sam insisted.

 

Dean looked confused. Sam could tell he was trying to choose his words carefully this time, to avoid another fight. "It's ok, you know. If you're not. Straight, that is."

 

Sam sighed. "I _know_ , Dean. It's not like I think there's something _wrong_ with me. This is just… new to me."

 

Dean still looked befuddled. "So, you really are turning gay?"

 

Sam would have rolled his eyes had it not been for his exhaustion headache. "I'm not turning gay, Dean." Sam realized he was going to have to do more explaining. "I don't feel attracted to people at all, generally. It's not like I'm suddenly drooling over men."

 

"But…" Dean looked at Mary, who was now sticky with strudel. "You obviously had something going on with Jess."

 

"I did," Sam smiled a bit, reminiscently, "I fell in love with her first, and then the physical attraction came. I had never wanted to have sex before that. Or after."

 

"Dude. That sucks. No wonder you're wound so tight, you never hook up."

 

"Dean. Could you be more crude?"

 

"Not with this little lady in the room," Dean grinned and bounced Mary on his knee. His face soon morphed to a look of shock.

 

"You said -- so -- You're in love with the barista?"

 

Sam groaned. For someone who didn't do "chick-flick moments," his brother was certainly being persistent about talking about feelings. "I don't know."  He wasn't even sure whether or not it was a lie. Sam continued,

"I mean, we've gotten fairly close over the past few months. Gabe's really smart. We talk about literature and stuff a lot. He's really good with Mary too. Didn't care that I have her. He set up this little table for her and got her coloring books and picture books and everything," Sam smiled. "And," he added, chuckling, "He gives us free food."

 

Dean's eyebrows raise. "Hm." He appeared to be considering something. Then - "You do know he's like, really short. And he looks like he probably steals from the display case."

 

"Don't care," Sam said immediately.

 

"Hm." Dean said again. "So… you're not dating, because…?"

 

"I don't know," Sam seemed to be saying that a lot lately. Dang, there was a lot he didn't know. "I just wanted to figure out how exactly I felt first, I guess." He then added, "I don't know if he wants to, like, date or whatever, anyway."

 

"Sam. You should have seen the way he was looking at you. It made me want to puke in my mouth."

 

Sam couldn't help but let out a quiet laugh.

 

Dean tickled Mary's sides. "Sammy, you look like crap. How about I take Mary for a bit and you take a nap? We'll go downtown or to the library or something."

 

Sam found himself nodding. He couldn't even bring himself to make a biting retort. "Thanks, Dean."


	13. Sibling Interference

Gabriel

 

The last person Gabriel expected to see walking into _Expressoself_! was Dean. And Dean definitely had no right to look happy, confident, open, and goddamned attractive. What was it with these brothers' genes? Dean was carrying Mary on his hip as naturally as if she had been his own child, and his smile was blinding.

 

Dean might be a looker who embraced his role as an uncle, but that didn't make up for what he had done to Sam.

 

Gabriel glared at Dean in between taking orders. Dean's smile faltered a little bit, but he remained in line. Once he got to the front, Gabriel called out to Cas to take over the orders.

 

Now that Cas was on break from school, he was helping Gabriel a bit with the coffee shop. And, in a way, Gabriel was helping him -  he was paying him, after all. Cassie (for as awkward as he was with customers) was an awesome baker. Some of his creations rivalled or surpassed Gabriel's own. Gabriel didn't trust any of his other employees to do the baking, so it was nice when Cas picked up a few hours so Gabriel could stop working lethal hours of overtime and start working only nearly-lethal hours of overtime.

 

Gabriel walked down to the other end of the counter where he and Sam normally sat. He hoped Castiel had the sense to hand people their orders closer to the cash register, instead of directing them down near Dean and Gabriel.

 

"You have a lot of nerve, coming back here." Gabriel stated matter-of-factly. He might have been talking about the weather, but he hoped an undertone of menace came across. He hated that he was forced to look up at Dean due to their difference in height.

 

"Not the first time I've heard that," Dean grinned, unperturbed. His features soon became more serious, however. "I wanted to apologize."

 

Gabriel stared at him, unimpressed.

 

Dean sighed and shifted Mary to his other hip. "Listen, Sam told me about how you've been taking care of him and Mary. And anyone who is watching out for my baby bro and niece when I'm not there is ok in my book."

 

Gabriel felt a glow of happiness knowing that Sam had said that Gabriel was _taking care of him._ However, he was not going to allow his anger to assuaged. "You don't have to apologize to _me_. You forced Sam to have a personal conversation in public, and he was obviously upset."

 

"I already apologized to him this morning. And I'm taking his little rugrat so he can get some sleep," Dean smiled at Mary before turning back to Gabriel and frowning. "I didn't mean to have that talk in public. It just…" Dean shrugged as best as he could while holding Mary, "Came up." Dean drew in a deep breath. "I guess I should have talked to him about that sort of shi- stuff - when I gave him his sex talk. Which was awkward enough as it is." Dean set his mouth in a grumpy line.

 

A chuckle escaped from Gabriel before he could stop it. "You gave Sam a sex talk?" While the opportunity presented itself, he might as well dig up some embarrassing secrets about Sam. Big brothers tend to have lots of stories about those.

 

"Not just _a_ sex talk, _the_ sex talk," Dean said grimly. "Like, what goes where and everything. No one else was going to."

 

"Religious parents?" The sex talk from Gabriel's own parents hadn't included a lot of details, except that The Act was for after marriage and with someone of the opposite gender only.  Gabriel hadn't had a great relationship with his parents since he came out as gay. There was a stiff, forced phone call on rare occasion, but that was it. They were a little bit more open with Castiel - who was generally indifferent to sexual orientation and gender - since there was a chance that he could end up with a heterosexual woman and in their eyes, therefore, could still be redeemed from a life of sodomy.

 

Dean scoffed. "Nah. One dead, one drunk." He paused. "Though  good ol' dad wasn't all that accepting of that sort of thing, but we didn't talk about it much." Gabriel assumed 'that sort of thing' was non-heteronormativity, but he didn't pry. Dean's eyes glazed for a moment as he appeared lost in thought, then he shook himself out of his reverie. "I really raised Sammy by myself. Tried to keep him away from all that and out of trouble." Dean practically puffed up with pride.

 

Gabriel bestowed him with a small smile. "Well, I think you did an ok job." Gabriel wanted to stay angry. He was supposed to be threatening Dean, not complimenting him, but if Dean was telling the truth, well -- Sammy _had_ turned out ok. And it would explain why Dean held Mary so naturally.

 

Dean returned the smile. "Thanks."

 

Gabriel looked closer at Dean's face. Maybe a few more wrinkles than Sam, and definitely more tan, with an abundance of freckles. _I wonder if Sam would get freckles, if he would actually_ go outside _more instead of spending all his free time reading inside. Though admittedly, it gives him a lot of material for us to argue about_. Gabriel shook himself out of his thoughts and returned to the task at hand. Dean really didn't look that much older than Sam. Gabriel thought he remembered Sam telling him that Dean was his age, but he couldn’t be. Twenty-six wasn't old enough to be in the role of having raised someone Sammy's age --  or giving him awkward sex talks of any kind, certainly.

 

"How much older are you than Sam, anyway?" Gabriel asked.

 

"Four years. Why?"

 

Four years. Dean had just been a kid himself, trying to take care of his brother. Might explain why any deviation from heteronormativity hadn't come up in conversation between the two. Dean himself might not have even known the word _bisexual_ at the age at which he had given Sam the sex talk. Gabriel couldn't help feel newfound admiration for the guy, even if he was an asshole.  Gabriel had helped with Castiel, but his parents were still in the picture for the most part during their childhood, and what little he had done to take care of Cassie had been exhausting as it was.

 

"Just wondering." Gabriel paused. "This doesn't mean you're forgiven."

 

Dean just laughed. "I'd think less of you if it did." 

 

Evidently Dean then decided the conversation was over, as he abruptly asked, "What's a guy gotta do to get some pie around here?"

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

Dean

 

The line had thinned down somewhat. Gabriel called out to the man who had been taking orders and working the cash register. "Hey Cas, bring this gentleman a slice of your pie, will ya?" Gabriel turned to Dean. "You'll have to tell me if it is really as heavenly as Cassie claims. He says it's better than mine." Gabriel scoffed, but Dean could tell the teasing was affectionate.

 

"It is heavenly." Cas(sie?) appeared behind Gabriel. He locked eyes with Dean. "Apple or cherry?"

 

The guy's voice sounded gravelly and rough, but not in the scratchy or phlegmy way a smoker's does. It was just rich and deep. This dude seemed much too masculine to possibly go by "Cassie."

 

Dean realized he hadn't answered, and that he and Cas (he decided to go with Cas for the time being; he wasn't gonna call a guy Cassie - that was the name of his ex anyway) had been staring into each other's eyes, which wasn't weird and awkward _at all._ "I'll have the apple," Dean flashed a smile to hopefully cover up his snafu. Though, if Cas cared, or sensed any social faux pas, he didn't show it. He merely gave a brief nod and walked toward the back of the store.

 

"Cassie made a few pies this morning, but we haven't put them in the display case yet," Gabriel said, "He's an awesome help with baking, but his customer service could use some practice." Even the critique sounded fond.

 

_Maybe Sam's crush isn't even available._ Gabriel seemed pretty chummy with Cas for them to just be coworkers. Dean decided he would try to investigate, and threaten if necessary.

 

"So, how long have you known each other?" Dean tried to probe subtly.

 

Gabriel looked at him, confused, then chuckled. "Since birth. Cas is my little bro."

 

Cas chose this moment to reappear, with a steaming slice of pie. "If you're wondering, Gabriel is desperately single," he deadpanned.

 

Dean gaped at Cas before recovering. "I wasn't…" he muttered.

 

"It's ok. Gabriel and I are often mistaken for a couple. I think it's because Gabriel shows love through physical affection, even though he pretends that I annoy him." Cas continued as if this were an entirely normal conversation.

 

"Cas!" Gabriel hissed. "Besides, you do annoy me," he added.

 

Dean was grateful for the slice of pie Cas had set in front of him upon his return, as he carved off a bite and filled his mouth as an excuse not to say anything. He couldn't help but hum in appreciation. The crust was golden and flaky, but not dry; the apples were not too firm or too mushy, had a hint of cinnamon, and were in the perfect filling-to-crust ratio; and there was even a dollop of whipped cream. Mary grabbed at the pie and Dean began to cut her off a piece. Gabriel raised an eyebrow at him.

 

"Sam normally doesn't let her eat sugary stuff like that. Here, I have some biscuits. They're whole wheat, organic, cinnamon and banana flavored." Gabriel pulled a couple of the crackers from behind the counter and offered them to Mary.

 

"Uh uh," Mary shook her head emphatically and continued reaching for the pie.

 

"Looks like Cas's cooking is winning out over your tasteless hippie food, Gabe," Dean smirked. "That's right Mary, Uncle Dean is gonna let you have real dessert!" He finished slicing off her chunk of pie, which she promptly shoved in her mouth.

 

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "I suppose you'll return her all hopped up on sugar, then."

 

"Nah," Dean smiled at his niece, "I'll make sure I wear her out first. Sammy needs some rest. Kid is wound too tight, if you ask me, and it's starting to show."

 

Gabriel snickers. "I might have to take him out for beers instead of coffee." Dean levelled a glare at Gabriel, who then paled slightly and began to stutter as he realized the potential implications of his words, "I mean - not that we - you know what I mean."

 

"Mm hm." Dean kept his face was expressionless. In his opinion, he was the only one allowed to poke fun at Sam here. He was about to begin questioning Gabriel about his intentions toward his little brother, when Cas spoke up again. His voice almost startled Dean. For someone who appeared around Dean's height and seemed pretty solidly built, Cas seemed to be able to move silently. He was still on the other side of the counter, but standing much closer. Even under the apron, Dean could tell Cas was thin, but certainly not delicate looking. He wasn't beefy, but he was definitely toned; the tanned skin on his forearms highlighted his muscle. His skin tone complimented his large blue eyes and shock of black hair, which it appeared Cas had run his hands through at some point, as one side was dusted with flour. He had a… rustic type of strength, one that came from being outside, not lifting weights at the gym.

 

Dean heard Gabriel's voice and abruptly realized that while he was staring at Cas, Cas was staring back at him. Their eyes locked, and Dean quickly dropped his gaze to his plate, where Mary was making quick work of his slice of pie with her fingers. He could still feel the weight of Cas's gaze on him. _Does this guy not realize it's creepy to stare at people?_ This was the second time, after all. Dean knew he was being hypocritical, but he shrugged away that thought. _I'm just tired. That's why I keep zoning out and staring at Cas. Though, why is he staring at me?_ Dean scrubbed at his mouth with a napkin, wondering if he had pie crumbs on his face. He then returned his focus to what Gabriel was saying.

 

"I'm sorry Cassie, but I already gave everyone else time off for the holidays. I know you want to go, but I really can't man the shop all by myself, buddy."

 

"It's only for a few days, Gabriel," If Cas's voice wasn't so deep, he would have sounded petulant.

 

"What's only for a few days?" Dean asked.

 

Cas turned toward him, making direct eye contact that felt like he was staring into his soul and reading his deepest secrets there. Dean gulped unconsciously and nearly regretted asking, when Cas replied,

 

"It's an entomology conference at Kansas State University. It's going to be focused on bees and their ecological importance and the effects of their dwindling population." Dean wasn't sure how Cas managed to look excited and mournful at the same time, like he was aware he had a morbid fascination with bee death while simultaneously grieving the loss.

 

"Why would you want to go to _that_?" Dean asks before he can censor himself.

 

Cas stared at him blankly. "I'm studying entomology ."

 

"That means bugs," Gabriel added helpfully.

 

"I know what it _means_ ," Dean sniped, "What I don't understand is why someone would want to sit through a conference with some musty old dudes talking about bugs."

 

Cas looked almost… disappointed? But also a bit disdainful, like Dean had just said something incredibly stupid. "Bugs are an incredibly important part of our ecosystem. Besides, they are very interesting to watch, living their little lives, working together to accomplish a goal…" Cas trailed off, eyes glazing slightly. Cas reminded Dean a bit of a bug himself, with the large eyes that focused a bit too much and the precise and purposeful way he moved - working toward a goal. Not to mention the lack of social graces. A bug masquerading as human and doing _just_ a good enough job to pass, most of the time.

 

_Ooo-kay, getting a bit too metaphysical there, Winchester._

 

"Aaannnyway, Cassie, I'm sorry bro, but I really need you here," Gabriel pleaded. "And I'm not sure I have enough to loan you for the plane ticket anyway," He mumbled.

 

Dean felt like he was trespassing on private family matters, and was just contemplating making his escape since Mary had now finished off his pie and was now playing with a button on his shirt (he really hoped she didn't get it off and swallow it), when an idea struck him. He was supposed to be here apologizing after all; and never let it be said that Dean Winchester would every be in anyone's debt. And if it meant getting back in the good graces of Sam's crush, and therefore Sam, Dean would be self-sacrificing.

 

"Well," Dean cleared his throat, "I do live in Kansas. Cas could always hitch a ride with me, and then fly back out here. That'd be cheaper." Cas seemed like a pretty quiet guy. At the very least he would just crank some Zeppelin and Cas could look out the window during the drive. It couldn't be much worse than driving alone. 

 

Gabriel, however, was quick to refute his offer. "That still leaves me with only me to work the shop. I might be stupid, but I'm not suicidal. That many hours for that long would be the death of me."

 

Dean grimaced briefly, then brightened as the solution revealed itself to him. There must have been something in that pie that got his brain juices flowing. "I think Sammy is looking for some more work over Winter break."

 

Gabriel looked dumbfounded yet hopeful.

 

"I mean, if you guys would be able to get any work done together," Dean jibed, "From what Sam says, he'd get some nerd boner from you talking literature at him."

 

Gabriel smiled evilly. "Well," he said casually, "If he does, I'll take care of it." He then produced a book from behind the counter.

 

Dean looked at the title and was close to puking what little he had eaten of the pie with the image it connoted. He was going to kill Gabriel.

 

_The Kama Sutra._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Dean is kind of playing the role of protective older brother and wingman at the same time. Let's see how that works out! And Dean meets Cas and they will be in the car together. For. Hours. In the near future.


	14. Flying Blind

Gabriel

 

Gabriel and Castiel watched Dean leave the café, Mary in tow.

 

"Bro, I think that's the most I've ever seen you stare at a dude." Gabriel elbowed Castiel in the ribs.

 

Cas arched an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. "He is attractive. Nice build, good symmetry, interesting eyes."

 

"Is -- is my little Cassie _lusting_?" Gabriel pretended to gasp.

 

"Gabriel. We've been over this. It is possible to appreciate someone's body without feeling sexual attraction." Castiel said seriously.

 

"Dude, I know. I'm just teasing you, ya weirdo. Just don't stare at him too much on the car ride, ok? I don't want him calling up Sam and telling him my weird-ass brother is a creeper." Gabriel turned serious and searched Castiel's face. "You are ok riding with him to Kansas, right? It's ok if you're not. I'll figure something else out if you want to fly instead."

 

Castiel shook his head once, slow and earnest. "I am not bothered. And I will try not to bother Dean." Castiel said the words like a vow.

 

\--------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------------------

 

Sam

 

It was nice having Dean visit. After the debacle in the café, their conversation didn't delve much deeper than the merits of the Impala over any other classic car, but the companionship was comfortable. Sam wasn't sure he had realized how much he had missed his brother until it was almost time for Dean to leave. During school, he generally kept himself so busy that he didn't have time or energy to devote to pesky feelings. Now, he ached when he thought about being alone again. His work-study job at the library only had a handful of hours to offer him, and without classes, he didn't know what to do with himself unless he could pick up another job. Of course, he had Mary, so he was never truly alone, but he lacked _adult_ company with whom he could hold _adult_ conversation every day except Thursday. And then, only for a couple hours. A couple hours' respite to sustain him for another week. And now, Sam wasn't even sure if that was still available. Dean had made what could be interpreted as homophobic comments, in addition to degrading Gabriel's appearance and personality --  and Sam hadn't stopped him, hadn't even stayed around to find a way to apologize to Gabriel. And how much did Gabriel hear? Did he know that Sam had some sort of complicated, warm, fuzzy feelings toward him? Feelings that were comforting and exhilarating and terrifying? Of course, Dean had to make a scene, so Sam and Gabriel weren't having this conversation together in private, at an appropriate time - such as, after Sam had very clear confirmation as to how Gabriel felt about him, and not a second before. _Call me a coward, but I prefer not to gamble with just airing my feelings to those who might not reciprocate them._

 

Sam would have been perfectly happy -- well, not exactly; he probably would have been pretty miserable, but it was the least embarrassing option -- to never face Gabriel ever again. But of course, Dean couldn't resist letting slide that Gabriel was looking for another worker to help out in the café over winter break, because Cas wouldn't be there. Because Dean was driving Cas to a bug conference. And that Dean had told Gabriel that Sam would take the job.

 

There were so many things wrong with the simple statements Dean was making, Sam didn't even know where to begin. _Is it possible real Dean has been replaced by a shapeshifter?_

 

First of all, when had this conversation between Dean and Gabriel happened? What had they talked about? What had Dean told Gabriel about him? Had they talked about him outside of the context of desperately needing hours and money? Sam tried to interrogate Dean about this, but Dean always gave some slippery non-answer and obfuscated his way out of Sam's line of questioning. Dean's uncanny ability to talk without saying anything and thus weasel his way out of any sort of distasteful conversation made Sam wonder if the wrong brother was going into law. Sam had done several mock trials and was spending a lot of money to study at Stanford, but maybe you just needed natural talent for these sorts of things.

 

Secondly, why in _hell_ had Dean offered to drive _Cas,_ of all people, to some random bug event all the way back home in Kansas? Sam had finally met Cas, albeit briefly, the week before Dean arrived. The famed baby brother of Gabriel. Sam had been so excited to finally meet some of Gabriel's family, and he supposed he had expected Cas to be somewhat like Gabriel: extroverted, peppy, funny, and addicted to sugar. Cas was nearly the opposite. He seemed like a nice enough guy, of course, but Sam really couldn't see how he and Gabriel were related _at all_. Where Gabriel was loudmouthed and opinionated, Castiel was quiet. When Gabriel joked, Cas was serious. While Gabriel stole from the display case, Cas never touched anything besides the mug of tea he had brought into the café with him. The only characteristic Sam could see that the brothers shared (in the short amount of time he spent talking to them, at least) was their intelligence. In other words, Cas was most certainly _not_ the type of person Dean usually associated with. No crass jokes, no love for greasy burgers; just contemplation with a dash of social awkwardness that Sam supposed at best might become endearing with time. And Dean had (supposedly of his own free will) offered to drive Cas halfway across the country to go, not to a car show or something else Dean would deem important, but a bug symposium.

 

Sam's life was getting very weird and very confusing and very complicated.

 

The largest problem, of course, was what to say to Gabriel. Sam was, evidently, supposed to show up to work for him on Thursday, two days away. Did he assume Gabriel had heard everything, and apologize? But what if he hadn't heard everything, and then Sam had to explain what his asshole of a brother had said? Did he just act like it never happened and everything was completely normal, even though he was so worried he felt physically ill? And would he need to act differently around Gabriel when he was his boss?

 

Sam pressed his palms into his eyes as if he could block out the Seinfeld episode that his life had become.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel thrummed with excitement. Sam was going to be in the café! For an extended period of time! Starting Thursday! He would feed him the best desserts, make sure to send him home with something for Mary, teach him to bake, and reach up to wipe away the drop of batter that had landed near his mouth…. _Woah, enough of that, Gabriel._ Gabriel sighed. It would be _much_ more difficult to keep his thoughts in line with Sam actually there, with his considerate nature and hazel eyes and rare but wonderful laugh.

 

He wondered how to address the whole issue of what Dean had blabbed. Gabriel snickered. Cas and Dean were both leaving Thursday morning (hence Sam starting work), and he could only imagine the conversations that would take place within the confines of the car, as _neither_ of them knew how to be tactful and both distinctly lacked a verbal filter of any sort.

 

Back to the issue at hand: since overhearing Dean and Sam's conversation in the café, Gabriel had confirmation… of what? That Sam didn’t want a one-night-stand with a girl, and _Dean_ thought Sam might be attracted to him; but _Sam_ himself had never admitted as much. The whole incident was just vague enough to allow for the possibility that the whole thing was just one big misunderstanding. He really didn't have much more information to go on than he did before, except that Sam might be more of a long-term relationship sort of person. Which, at Gabriel's point in life, was totally a turn-on. He had a dog and his own apartment and his own business; he was ready to share that with someone.

 

If Dean was right, however, why hadn't Sam said anything? Sam seemed to enjoy his company, but he hadn't made any sort of move. Maybe part of the issue was that Sam liked his personality but wasn't attracted to him physically. Gabriel suddenly remembered a conversation with Balthazar from several years ago. A conversation that had been edging on an argument, that had left Gabriel feeling very insignificant yet left Balthazar no worse for the wear.

 

[" _I mean, obviously it's one of the reasons we work well together."_

 

_"No, I don't know what you mean, Balthy. Do explain."_

 

_"Well, I don't mind how you are. How you look. That's pretty uncommon. Most other people are more shallow than I am."]_

 

Gabriel didn't think Sam was shallow. But, to be fair, you can't really help what body type you are attracted to. Maybe if Sam just had the chance to be attracted to him...  _And besides, I'd feel better about myself too._

 

Gabriel resolved to give Sam the opportunity to act on his feelings, if he had any.

 

_If Sam wants to bring anything up, he will. Just act normal. You can do normal._


	15. The Journey Begins

Dean

 

He had jerky, granola bars, Monster energy drinks, and water. His bag was stowed and the Impala was meticulous, as always, but she received an extra-thorough cleaning for the event of the guest passenger she would be carrying.

 

Driving always filled Dean with a sense of freedom, a rejuvenating feeling of excitement that was associated with beginning a journey with an unknown destination. Sammy always said he liked driving just because he was incapable of settling down anywhere, but that wasn't entirely true. Though he did like the way his worries often drifted away as he watched the landscape slide past with every mile marker, he simply didn't have a _reason_ to stay in one spot. Dean always considered home the people he loved, not a place.

 

The sun was just peaking over the horizon, illuminating the clouds in a fresh pink, as he pulled up to _Expressoself!._ Cas was waiting for him outside the door, the storefront windows behind him gleaming sheets of gold.  He approached as soon as the Impala came to a stop. The early sunlight reflected off Baby in sharp lines that Cas brushed his fingertips along thoughtfully without saying a word to Dean, cracked and faded suitcase in his hand, rays from the sunrise creating a halo of his mussed hair. _What a hipster polaroid moment._

 

"Stow your stuff in the trunk," Dean said, forgoing pleasantries in his haste to cease any artistic musings. He was _not_ going to wax poetic about the guy he was going to spend the next day and a half in a car with before said guy even climbed in.

 

Cas carefully placed his suitcase in the trunk, paused, rearranged some things slightly, then closed the trunk with a firm and purposeful _click_. He opened the passenger door and sat with the same deliberate movements, ramrod straight, and fastidiously buckled himself in. Only then did he turn to Dean with blue eyes that in some trick of the sunlight seemed to radiate light on their own.

 

"Hello, Dean."

 

_______________________________________

 

Sam

 

Dean always said that he ran away from his problems. Sam always replied that at least it got him more exercise than _driving_ away from his problems. Regardless, he wasn't running away from them. He was just… running before them. An hour before, to be exact.

 

Sam was lost in the visceral sensations, the jolts through his joints with each step, the chilly air stinging his face and catching in his throat, the ache in his chest and the stitch in his side. This was the first time he had gone for a run in months, and he was panting more than he would like to admit, and his legs were burning, but the discomfort was strangely revitalizing.

 

Running distanced him from his problems, but in such a way that he could think about them a bit more objectively. Or at least, so he hoped. At the very least it was some time he could spend in contemplation in solitude.

 

In an hour he would be in _Expressoself!_ Working alongside Gabriel. Acting completely normal, like normal coworkers would, coworkers who hadn't had their brothers inconveniently spill their deepest secrets that they didn't even know they had yet.

 

Gabriel was definitely a friend. In fact, he was the only friend Sam had had in a long time. Sure, he had pals he sat next to in class, but no one he saw outside of an academic context. Perhaps he and Gabriel had started out that way, with purely intellectual discussions, but he had let Gabriel into his personal life too. He had met both Mary and Dean (though meeting Dean was an accident of disastrous proportions), and instead of recoiling or pushing Sam away, he drew him in closer. Or at least, that's how it appeared, since he had offered Sam a job using Dean as a medium of communication.

 

It occurred then to Sam that Gabriel had never asked for his phone number or otherwise contacted him outside of Sam's visits to the café. Gabriel had never initiated physical contact or asked him on a date. In fact, Gabriel had never given any indication that he wanted anything more than friendship with Sam. Sure, he flirted, but that could very well be meaningless. While months ago Sam might have been comforted by this, he now felt… disappointed? Surely if Gabriel had wanted a relationship, he would have lost patience with Sam long ago.

 

Sam pushed himself faster as he entered the last stretch of his run. His heart thumped in his throat, and he wasn't entirely sure it was from the physical exertion.

 

_Just act normal. You can do normal._

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel was practically vibrating. This may have had something to do with Sam coming into work this morning; or it might have been the two expressos he drank. His brain was far too frazzled to determine which. He hadn't even made any comments about the way Dean was watching Castiel like he was some sort of angel when he had come to pick Cas up an hour ago. He was sure Dean didn't know that he was already in the store, having finished most of the baking for the morning and getting ready to open for the day. Normally he would have alerted them to his presence by stepping outside an interrupting whatever weird moment they were having, fulfilling his duty as an elder brother, but he was already preoccupied. With baking, of course. Thoughts of Sam hadn't been distracting him from his work _at all._

_Ting!_

 

He should be used to Sam's tall, broad-shouldered frame filling his doorway at this point, but it still made his heart leap. Sam's cheeks were flushed a healthy pink. His hair was slightly damp as if he had just showered, and it was pulled up in a half-bun. Gabriel wondered if Sam thought he had to have his hair pulled back because he would be working with food, or if he normally wore it like that after his shower _._

 

_Mmm. Sam in the shower._

 

Gabriel forcibly returned his thoughts to Sam's hair and not all the other parts of his body. Gabriel didn't think he liked men with long hair until Sam. He didn't think he liked man buns (the hairstyle, that is) until Sam, either _._ Gabriel was beginning to come to the conclusion that he just liked Sam's hair. And his face. And his body, from what he could see of it. The kid was _still_ wearing a thick flannel under his coat.

 

"Good morning and welcome to _Expressoself!,_ what can I get for you today?" Gabriel chirped.

 

"Uh… I'd like one job, if it's available," Sam teased hesitantly.

 

"It's your lucky day, that _just_ so happens to be on the menu!" Gabriel tossed the extra-long apron he had had to special order and have shipped overnight in Sam's direction.

 

Sam snatched the airborne apron dexterously and proceeded to tie it on over his flannel after hanging up his coat. _Damn. Not even going to get to see the undershirt._ Sam was going to be sweating soon, especially if he were anywhere near the ovens. Gabriel then had to try very hard to get the image of a sweat-glistening Sam out of his head. His mind was _not_ going in the gutter this early in the morning when he had to work with the guy all day.

 

"You look like a garden-variety hipster now!" Gabriel joked. Sam pouted at him. _Nope, not cute at all._

 

Gabriel felt a flush of pride as he showed Sam the basics. He enjoyed sharing the business he had built with Sam. Fortunately Sam already knew how to work a cash register, so Gabriel focused on teaching him how to make various coffees and work the (occasionally persnickety) machines. Someday he hoped he could show Sam how to bake, but he wasn't going to overload him with information on his first day. He laughed when a girl slipped Sam her number on a napkin, and Sam looked just as bewildered as he had when Gabriel had first flirted with him.

 

_Does he honestly not know how hot he looks?_ People were drooling more over Sam than Gabriel's pastries. Gabriel wasn't sure if he should feel offended or jealous.

 

Gabriel noticed that Sam seemed a bit nervous. At first he had hoped it was just anxiety about starting a new job, or even because of all the attention he was getting from the ladies (and a couple guys), but the problem seemed to be _him._ Sam was being very cautious in conversation, only giving the bare minimum of replies. Gabriel was confused until he realized that Sam might be unsure how Gabriel would react. It seemed like Sam might think he would be _mad_ at him. Which, of course he wasn't - he wasn't even angry with Dean anymore, really. _I'll just have to show him there are no hard feelings._ The one thing Gabriel could do was talk. He kept up a steady stream of teasing, commentary about the customers, and instructions on how to make caramel macchiatos made with skim milk and two pumps of vanilla, please. Sam seemed to relax incrementally until they finally hit a lull around 3pm.

 

Gabriel leaned against the counter, taking some of the pressure off of his feet. He had been standing since 5am. He huffed a sigh of relief and relaxed, and was about to make a quip to Sam about not being as young as he used to be, when he remembered something.

 

"Shit! Max!"


	16. Learning Curve

Gabriel

 

He couldn't believe he forgot about his poor little terrier! Poor Maxie! Normally Cassie would drop by Gabriel's apartment on his way home after classes and take the little guy on a walk before Gabriel came home from work. And Gabriel had completely forgotten that Cas was off on some cross-country adventure with Dean.

 

Sam was looking around the shop fearfully. "Gabe, what's wrong? Who's Max?"

 

"Max is my dog. Normally Cassie lets him out like, a couple hours ago. I forgot Cas wasn't here…. Crap." Gabriel began to pace.

 

Sam seemed to be stifling a laugh. "I was looking around for an angry ex boyfriend or something."

 

"Don't worry, you have nothing to be jealous of," Gabriel quipped before thinking. He had intended on keeping the flirting at a minimum today, but he was distracted with worry.

 

Sam paused, but then replied, "Well, a dog is definitely preferable."

 

Gabriel managed a small chuckle before resuming his pacing. "I guess I'll have to close down for a little bit… Maybe 45 minutes. You can take a paid break, whatever's in the display case is available to snack on."

 

"Could you handle the store by yourself?" Sam asked.

 

"Of course," Gabriel replied automatically.

 

Sam offered him an unsure smile. "If you want, I could go let him out and take him on a quick walk."

 

Gabriel looked at Sam blankly while his thoughts swirled. _He's such a sweet kid. Willing to help at a moment's notice. Crap, my apartment is probably a mess. I've been so busy, there's a mountain of dishes and I haven't vacuumed in… let's not go there._

 

Gabriel returned his attention to the present. "-- I mean, if you don't mind me going into your apartment. That's totally overstepping employee boundaries probably, I'm sorry. That was a stupid idea." Sam was rambling.

 

"No, would you really? Because that would be awesome," Gabriel heaved a sigh of relief. Max took priority over the state of his apartment, and this way he wouldn't have to lose any profit. 

 

"Of course, it's no problem. I mean, Max is friendly, right?" Sam looked at Gabriel questioningly.

 

Gabriel chuckled. "If anything he's _too_ friendly. You might get more kisses than you bargained for." _Like dog, like owner, I suppose._

 

Gabriel fished in his pocket and handed Sam the key to his apartment and rattled off his address for Sam to plug into his phone's GPS. "His leash is hanging on a hook by the door, and his crate is under the desk in the office." Gabriel hesitated, "In advance, pardon the mess."

 

"No problem," Sam smiled, untied the apron with a neat flourish, and walked out the door just as the next group of customers came in.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam

 

Sam had always found visiting someone else's home without the owner there a bit unsettling. It almost felt uncomfortably intimate, like reading their diary without their permission. At the same time, the home generally felt like a dead, hollow husk. He had once mentioned this to Dean and been laughed at for the rest of the day, but some part of him thought Dean understood. That maybe they both felt that way about houses because in their childhood, home was never a place. They had drifted from motel room to motel room as their father drifted from job to job, and the only home they had was each other.

 

Sam fully expected this feeling of vacancy in Gabriel's apartment. He never got it.

 

Instead the apartment felt warm and inviting, much like Gabriel himself. Sure, the place could use some tidying, but it was no worse than Sam's own apartment and it really just served to add to the sense of being lived-in.

 

Sam didn't want to violate Gabriel's privacy, but he allowed himself a quick tour of the apartment. A neatly organized kitchen with what looked like expensive appliances (not surprising, since Gabriel was a baker); a small office where it appeared Gabriel did paperwork for _Expressoself!_ ; a simply arranged bedroom with hanging bookshelves surrounding the bed, creating a cozy alcove. Sam was envious. He'd love to sleep surrounded by his favorite stories. It was only since he'd had his own apartment that he had actually started collecting books. Sam continued to the living room. _More bookshelves._ Wall to wall, stacked with books. Sam couldn't resist stepping closer and examining the titles. Textbooks and novels. Philosophy and history. Math and archaeology. Fantasy and memoirs and epics. Every genre, every topic; most with sticky notes peaking out of their pages _. Snap out of it, Sam. You're not Belle in Beauty and the Beast_. _You're here to let the dog out to pee._

 

Remembering his mission, Sam found the crate below the desk in the office and released what turned out to be a white blur that zoomed around his legs, yipping excitedly. When Max finally slowed down enough for Sam to put the leash on him, Sam couldn't help but smile fondly. Max definitely wasn't underfed; Gabriel probably spoiled him. Just like Gabriel spoiled everyone, including him and Mary.

 

Sam thought while he walked Max around the neighborhood. It all felt so _domestic_. He could pretend for a moment that he was stopping home from a 9-5 job on a lunch break, walking his dog, and that he would see Mary and his significant other once he got home. They would eat dinner together, he would read Mary her bedtime story, and he would fall asleep in someone's  embrace. He had always craved that life with Jess. Yet somehow, now it seemed a bit hollow. Missing something, or perhaps some _one_ to give it excitement and vibrancy.

 

Sam's own refusal to assign a gender to his lover in his imagined scenario didn't escape his notice.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

The rest of the shift passed uneventfully. Sam knew he was slowing Gabriel down with all his questions and bumbling in general, but Gabriel seemed to have an infinite amount of patience - which was surprising for someone who never quite seemed to sit still. At last they closed at 8pm. Gabriel pulled off his apron languidly and sat at one of the tables, motioning for Sam to join him.

 

"I know this is a deviation from our usual spot, but I'm just beat today, kiddo." Gabriel said as he set a hot chocolate in front of Sam.

 

Guilt rose in Sam's chest. "I'm sorry. I know training takes a lot out of you. I'll get better, I promise."

 

Gabriel winced. "Jeez Sam, I didn't mean it like that. You're doing great, actually - much better than my other workers when they started out. Probably better than me, even," he gave a wry chuckle. Gabriel leaned forward, elbows on the table, and made eye contact with Sam. "And thanks for taking care of Max. I really appreciate it."

 

Sam's stomach flipped.  "No problem," he said in what he hoped wasn't a breathless voice. He wasn't sure he and Gabriel had ever been in such close proximity. The table was small, and Sam's legs didn’t really fit underneath, so he stretched them out to the side. They still almost met Gabriel's, which were similarly stretched out, but under the table. Gabriel's arms were now only inches from Sam's own hands which were holding his cup of hot chocolate like some sort of lifeline to normality.

 

After a couple seconds (Sam probably could have counted them by his heartbeat thudding in his ears) Gabriel leaned back in his chair in his typical sprawling fashion. Sam found he could breathe normally again. _Why do I feel like this?_ The physical attraction was like a like a worsening ailment. In fact, Sam would probably be less panicked if he had some sort of disease. Diseases were treatable. This…? He had no idea what to do with it. Or what it was, really.

 

"You have a lot of books." _Oh my gosh did I really just say that. You creepy stalker, stalking around his apartment and looking at his stuff. You had one job: go in, let the dog out, leave. But nooo. You have to go prying through his immense personal library, with all sorts of books that just display his intelligence and variety in his literary repertoire._

 

But instead of looking angry or uncomfortable, Gabriel was smiling. "I do indeed. I really should donate some to the library, I just can't stand to let them go," he sighed.

 

"You shouldn't!" _And now you're telling him what to do with his personal belongings. Stepping up your creepy stalker game, I see._ "I mean, from the glance I took, there's a lot of good titles there." Sam attempted to recover, then yawned widely. "Man, how do you do this? Like, you work all day and then come talk coherently with me afterward?"

 

"Lots of practice," Gabriel grinned. "Actually, I don't work this late every day. Just Thursdays."

 

"That's a fortunate coincidence for me, then," Sam replied.

 

"Well…" Gabriel actually looked bashful. "When you first started coming, I had picked up the extra hours Thursday nights since no one else could work then. And then I just sort of kept them." Gabriel shrugged. "I don’t work this late every night."

 

Sam just gaped at him. "You didn't have to keep staying late just for me!"

 

Gabriel shrugged again. "Well, it's as good a place as any to see you."

 

Sam's brain froze. _Is he implying that he would see me… elsewhere?_ His mouth somehow latched on to this thought without his permission. "You spend far too much time at this café as it is. I mean, we could talk in the library, a park, my apartment," Sam immediately recognized the perfect setup with which he had provided Gabriel. _Oh please tell me you did NOT just say that, mouth. Nononono._

 

Gabriel had an evil glint in his eye. "Sammy, are you propositioning me?"

 

Sam could feel his eyes practically bugging out of his head. Words that would play what he had just said off as some sort of suave joke refused to climb out of his throat.

 

Gabriel threw back his head and laughed. It was a beautiful sound. Sam didn't care that it was interspersed with gasps for air and that at times it sounded like Gabriel was dying. It was beautiful and infectious, and soon Sam was laughing too.


	17. Music of the Universe

Dean 

 

_And if you listen very hard_

_The tune will come to you at last_

_When all are one and one is all_

_To be a rock and not to roll_

_And she's buying the stairway to heaven_

 

Dean tapped his hands on the steering wheel to the beat. He glanced over at Cas. Cas was still sitting uncomfortably straight, looking at the road ahead. The guy had barely said two words to him over the four hours they had been in the car. Dean had thought a quiet companion would be nice, but at this point it was just getting awkward.

 

As if reading his mind, Cas suddenly spoke up.

 

"I believe I like the genre of music you have been playing."

 

"Take you this whole time to figure that out?" Dean raised an eyebrow at him.

 

Cas looked at him expressionlessly. "Yes. I was unfamiliar with this type of music. It is much different than what I usually play for my plants."

 

_Great. He has two settings: quiet or crazy._

 

Dean decided that for the sake of variety, he would choose crazy for a bit. "So, what type of music do you normally play… for your plants?"

 

"Well, most of the time I put on Mozart, Bach, or Chopin. Those are most relaxing for me, so I figured that would be most relaxing for them, though that has not been scientifically evaluated in any regard. Studies have indicated that plants grow better with some music, and in case the genre matters, I wanted to play them something nice." What had been an emotionless mask was now passion. Cas's eyes lit up, and even though his mouth wasn't smiling, his eyes certainly were. Dean suddenly became aware of how woefully unfamiliar he was with classical music, but he didn't want Cas to stop talking now that he was happy, even if he was making no sense.

 

"That's… interesting," Dean offered.

 

"It is. Of course, I have wondered if my bees like the same sort of music the plants do. I hope so. It would be rather unfair to them if I seemed to be playing favorites." Cas looked concerned.

 

_His bees?_

 

"I'm sure they're fine," Dean tried to be reassuring, though he wasn't exactly sure why he was making the effort, and wondered how exactly he let himself get pulled into this conversation.

 

Cas, though his expression still didn't change perceptibly, seemed to brighten. "I hope so. After all, we are all surrounded by music all the time. I think living things have evolved to enjoy it. Did you know the oscillations of the Sun make music? And you can even hear the leftover radiation from the formation of the universe in the static of the radio. Here."

 

Cas reached over and turned the dial to static. Soft crackling and hissing filled the car. Cas stared at the radio like it held the secrets of the universe. For all Dean knew, it did. He took his eyes off the road to glance at the strange creature in the car beside him. Cas's eyes, so blue, locked with his, while the music of the universe whispered in the background.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam 

 

The next few days at work Sam began to relax. He had replaced the schedule of his classes with work, for the most part, so he and Jess didn't have to change their schedule with Mary. Gabriel paid him more than he should, and Sam seemed to get a lot of tips, though he wasn't sure why. When he had visited Gabriel all those Thursdays before, the tip jar didn’t seem all that full. Which was confusing, because Gabriel was much more charismatic and got people their orders much faster than Sam did. Maybe the customers could tell he was new and were tipping him out of pity. As much as he hated being pitied, in this case he wasn't going to complain.

 

It was nice working with Gabriel. They fell into an easy rhythm, weaving around each other to make orders, chatting companionably during lulls in traffic. The days flew quickly, and even though his feet were sore at the end, he was happy.

 

Gabriel was always smiling and shining with joy too. Yet Sam noticed that something seemed… off with him. His skin seemed to have a bit of a pallor and there were times Gabriel appeared to be in a daze, getting distracted mid-sentence. Sam asked him a few times if he was feeling alright, but Gabriel always waved him off and insisted he felt great.

 

Sam began watching him like a hawk.

 

He wasn't hungover - Sam could recognize a hangover instantly from years of his dad coming home from a bar in the wee hours of the morning, stinking of beer.

 

He wasn't displaying signs of a cold or flu - no runny nose, sneezing, scratchy voice.

 

And he didn't seem depressed. Of course, Sam knew depression could manifest itself in several different ways, and it was possible to act happy or even be happy for periods of time and still struggle with depression, but Sam couldn't help but think he would have noticed something different about Gabriel's emotions after all these months if he was depressed.

 

Sam finally realized what the problem was when he returned from the break room to ask Gabriel a question, still carrying his sandwich. Gabriel had eyed the sandwich and was practically salivating, and Sam struggled to swallow the lump of food that was suddenly stuck in his throat. He instantly recalled Dean's words.

 

_["But pudgy, horny baristas are ok?"]_

 

Sam wondered if Dean was the only one who had said something like that to Gabriel. From what little Gabriel had said, besides Cas, his family members sounded like douches. And he had vaguely remembered Gabriel mentioning something about dieting several months ago after Sam had - _Oh, shit. After I poked fun at him for eating a lot of sugar_.

 

[ _"Sam, I'm not a parent, but I do have a basic understanding of nutrition."_

_"Wouldn't know it from the way you eat."_ ]

 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, Sam._

 

Now Gabriel had heard jabs about his weight from both him and Dean, and who knows who else in the past. Even though Gabriel had brushed the comments off, it was obviously a sensitive topic. Gabriel wasn't just dieting; he wasn't eating enough, period.

 

Sam wracked his brain for ways to encourage Gabriel to eat more (and healthier; as cruel as his jab several months ago had been, it was kind of true), without sounding nosy or overbearing; and without Gabriel just refusing help. He knew Gabriel was an independent person - he had started his own business, after all - and he liked being the one taking care of others. If Gabriel was anything like Dean, that meant that he would likely push away anyone who tried to help him, not wanting to be a burden. Sam knew he had to proceed with subtlety. He didn't care in the slightest if Gabriel had a little bit of pooch around his tummy or how defined his muscles were; what was important was that he was eating in moderation and getting the proper nutrition.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

"Hey Dean,"

 

_"Heya Sammy. Just letting you know that we made it to Lawrence. You can tell Gabriel that I held up my end of the bargain and he can consider Cas good as delivered to his bug thing safe and sound."_

 

"Awesome," Sam shifted the phone between his ear and shoulder as he continued grating carrot into the mixing bowl.

 

_"Whatcha doin anyway? How's work been?"_

 

"Work's good. Bit of a learning curve, but I'm getting the hang of it. Hopefully to the point where I'm not slowing Gabe down," Sam chuckled, "And right now I'm making a giant salad."

 

_"You're kidding, right? You and your rabbit food. Night, bitch."_

 

"Jerk."

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dean

 

Somehow, after their first conversation, even the silence between him and Cas was comfortable. Over the hours, Dean told Cas a little about what it was like to raise Sammy and his job (which could not possibly be as interesting as the research Cas did, but Cas seemed intrigued anyway). Cas told him his full name and how all his siblings were named after angels. "Castiel" seemed like the stiff man who had entered his car; Cas was the one who eventually relaxed and pointed out constellations to Dean when they stopped to sleep for a couple hours. Cas was the man who, once the radio stopped picking up classic rock stations when they were in the middle of the desert, started singing along to the snatches of music that the radio caught, in a voice that was husky and deep and filled the car even though it was quiet. Dean wondered if Cas's plants and bees would like his singing. Dean thought he did.

 

Dean only felt slightly guilty about allowing Sam to assume he had dropped Cas off at a hotel or something as they had planned. What Sam didn't know, he couldn't give him crap for later.

 

"Dean, is there any trick for working your shower?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, small boop of angst... BUT! I enjoyed writing the developing relationship between Dean and Cas. Let me know what you think :)


	18. The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach

Dean

 

"You're trying to make this trip as cheap as possible, right?" He had asked.

 

"Yes," Cas had nodded in affirmation.

 

"Why don't you just crash at my apartment?"

 

And he supposed that's why he was waking up to the smell of pancakes and syrup wafting from his kitchen, the voice he had grown accustomed to over the past couple days humming Metallica (Dean suspected Cas had memorized it the fourth time he played the tape).

 

If Cas was a girl, Dean might have joked that he was in love.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Sam knew he had to proceed with extreme caution and finesse. He decided the best route would be to bring the salad with him when he talked to Gabriel, hoping the sight of food would entice him.

 

He thought his salad looked pretty attractive, after all. It was a sexy salad. The greens were still crisp and verdant, and there was an appealing variety of colors. Orange pepper, sliced cherry tomatoes, shredded carrot, sharp white cheddar, and some quinoa and shredded chicken tossed into the mixture.

 

He came out from the small break room with a bowl of the stuff when there was a lull in customers.

 

"Hey Gabe, could you do me a favor?"

 

"Anything for you, Samsquatch," Gabriel said as he quickly replaced something under the cash drawer and slammed it closed. Gabriel smiled, but he looked slightly sheepish. This gave Sam pause, but he decided to soldier on with his plan.

 

"I had a bunch of food that was going to expire soon, so I just put it all in a salad. It's more than I can eat by myself. Would you mind eating the other half? I'd hate for it to go to waste."

 

Sam felt guilty lying to Gabriel, but he thought the end justified the means. As he suspected, Gabriel eyed the salad hungrily.

 

"The dressing is a oil vinaigrette that I made myself. It's fat-free," Sam added helpfully.

 

Gabriel looked a bit confused, but he took the salad. "Thanks, Sam. I'm always willing to ease your conscience," he joked.

 

"Yeah, yeah. Get outta here. I can handle the store for a few minutes while you eat."

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

His first attempt to get Gabriel to eat was a success; however, Sam knew he couldn't constantly pretend to have extra food to feed Gabriel. Not only would Gabriel not fall for it, it would quickly become expensive. Sam had another idea. But it terrified him.

 

Sam wanted Gabriel to be the one to make the first move. He wanted to know for certain if Gabriel wanted their relationship to progress beyond the sphere that was tangentially linked to _Expressoself!_ (After all, whenever they had seen each other, one or both had technically been on the clock). Somehow, it seemed to Sam that seeing each other outside the walls of the café would signify a shift in their relationship. He wasn't sure if it would imply romantic intentions or if it would just mean that they were closer friends, but either way, their relationship would have more depth. They would be more involved in each others' lives, outside the space that they had become so accustomed to.

 

Sam really, _really,_ wanted Gabriel to ask first.

 

_Your friend needs your support, Sam. You're trying to help him in some sort of weird, surreptitious way, not even asking him on a real date. You can be brave._

 

"Hey Gabe."

 

"Mmm hmm." Gabriel was drizzling some sort of sugary spread on a sticky bun.

 

"Do you know how to cook things that aren't desserts?"

 

Gabriel took his eyes off the pastry to raise an eyebrow at Sam. "No, I live on ramen alone." He rolled his eyes. "Of course I know how to cook."

 

Sam gulped, trying to swallow his nerves. "Well, I don't know how to cook much. Like, I can put some stuff in a crockpot and it normally turns out ok, but besides that I don't know how to make _really good_ food, like what you would actually want to invite people over for dinner with? Ya know? And I'd like to make sure I'm sneaking in enough vegetables for Mary since she's basically refusing to eat anything but fruit and peanut butter sandwiches right now. Anyway, I was wondering if you would want to come visit sometimes, or I could come visit you, and you could teach me?" Sam rambled on long enough to eventually get to his question. He felt like he couldn't get enough air.

 

There was a pregnant pause. Gabriel, for once, appeared speechless. Then his face lit up. "Of course! I will make you my protégé, young Padawan!"

 

Sam felt giddy as they exchanged numbers so they could correlate their schedules and make plans.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two days later, Sam was preening in front of the mirror for a final time. It was 8:00pm; Mary was already in bed. He had showered and put on his favorite flannel, though that really didn't make him look any different than usual. _You're being ridiculous. Relax._

 

As if. Sam had spent hours cleaning his apartment, and had made an extra effort to tire Mary out that afternoon so she would (hopefully) remain asleep even with the extra noise.

 

Soon there was a soft knocking on his door. He opened it to reveal Gabriel, grinning and laden with shopping bags. Sam had told him to bring the ingredients that Sam didn't have on hand, and instead of Sam paying him for them, Gabriel could take as much of the food as he wanted for lunch at work the next day. Gabriel had agreed, even if he made a jibe about Sam nickel and diming him as he was already getting a cooking lesson "from a master" free of charge.

 

Sam took Gabriel's canvas jacket. Underneath, Gabriel was wearing a maroon sweater and snug jeans. Sam caught a whiff of his woody cologne while he helped unload the bags.

 

_Gabe cleans up nice._

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel had his suspicions after the salad incident; even more so after Sam had suggested he take the leftover food to work for lunch. He wasn't sure what was motivating Sam to fatten him up, for goodness' sake. He had enough self-control to maintain his diet by himself, but he didn't have the willpower to resist Sam interfering and practically shoving food at him. Maybe Sam wanted Gabriel to stay pudgy so he could more easily resist his charms. _Yeah, right. You wish._ Nevertheless, he wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to spend some time with Sam outside of work. And if he had imagined that they'd drink the white wine leftover from the chicken stew they were going to make, at a candlelit table …. Well, no one had to know.

 

He glanced around Sam's apartment while Sam set up the pressure cooker. It was pretty bare, but still homey. There was a bookshelf of picture books for Mary and a basket of toys. Sam had a small corner in the living room that appeared to be devoted to his studies: a laptop and a stress ball on a desk. On the desk there were two framed pictures: one of Sam and Dean, and one of Sam and Mary.

 

Gabriel wished he had a picture on Sam's desk.

 

Gabriel focused on teaching Sam - the correct way to chop garlic, how to remove the center of the onion so your eyes don't water, reminding him to dry the spinach before sautéing it. Sam was hesitant but precise. Gabriel would be lying if he said he didn't love the way Sam looked at him for affirmation. Just standing in close proximity to Sam was intoxicating - much more so than any wine would be. Sam looked more delicious than the food, as always. His hair looked soft, tucked behind his ears. He was still wearing the damn flannel, but had rolled the sleeves up to his elbows to reveal muscular forearms. _Lord have mercy._ Gabriel never thought he would feel so breathless without a single article of clothing actually being removed.

 

Even in his own apartment, Sam slouched so he didn't tower over Gabriel. _I wonder if the kid even remembers what it's like to stand at his full height._ Gabriel wanted Sam to feel comfortable enough around him that he could stretch up to full Moose stature. However, he also liked how Sam's slouching brought his face closer to Gabriel's, so Gabriel could get even more lost in those eyes that could never decide what color they wanted to be.

 

Sam told him that he thought learning to cook was a rite of passage into adulthood. He told Gabriel how, before he and Jess had Mary, they ate like typical college students; and after, they barely had time or energy to learn to cook anything more sophisticated than a healthy sandwich or an Italian noodle salad. Gabriel told Sam how his parents didn't want him to go to culinary school (" _There's no money in that, sweetie," they had said; "Well, you can't eat money," he had replied)_ so he went into business instead and taught himself how to bake from cooking shows, YouTube, lots of failed experiments and one kitchen fire.

 

They sat down at Sam's small kitchen table after the white wine chicken and spinach stew was finished and in Tupperware in the refrigerator.

 

"Thank you," Sam said seriously.

 

Gabriel scoffed. "You know, you didn't have to invite me over just so you could feed me." He wasn't entirely sure where the sudden bitterness had come from. He enjoyed spending time with Sam… but he wanted Sam to invite him over for dinner because he wanted to spend time with Gabriel, not because he saw Gabriel as some pity case who needed help.

 

Sam looked both taken aback and panicked. Gabriel took a deep breath and sighed. "I know what you're doing, Sam. This is just a pretense."

 

"Gabriel…" Sam sighed and looked down at his hands. "I'm sorry. I should have been more straightforward." He then seemed to steel himself and met Gabriel's eyes. "I care about you, and I'm worried about you. So, yes, I want to make sure you're ok, and I'm sorry I didn't just talk to you about it first. But…" Sam paused and gulped. "I didn't lie about appreciating you teaching me. And, I really do want you here, cooking aside. I really enjoy your company."

 

"Sam… I just want…" _You to want me._ Gabriel shook his head. "It's none of your business."

 

"No," Sam said stolidly. "It's not. But you're my friend, and I hate to see your health declining because you got in your head that you are going to lose weight by skipping lunch. If anything, that's just going to slow your metabolism. If you want to drop a few pounds, fine. But you can do that by eating several small, healthy meals throughout the day. I understand if you're angry with me, but just _please_ take care of yourself." Sam gave him his best puppy dog eyes.

 

_Dammit._

 

"Fine. Thanks for the intervention." Gabriel huffed.

 

"Gabe," Sam said more softly, "I meant it when I said I enjoy having you here. I mean, ok, maybe it was under false pretenses, but I like spending time with you, especially when one of us isn't being called away to make coffee." Sam gave a small smile, dimples barely showing. Gabriel couldn't help but feel his heart warming.

 

"Yeah, you sure you aren't just using me for my awesome cooking skills? I know you, you poor college student. Always looking for an opportunity to mooch a free meal." Gabriel teased.

 

"Well, you know what they say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Sam shot back.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Over an hour after Gabriel left, as Sam was getting ready for bed, Sam could still smell Gabriel's cologne on his clothes.

 

Normally he slept in only a pair of boxers, but tonight he wore his shirt too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am not a dietician.   
> I think I wrote this while hungry.


	19. Saving the Bees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone check if I'm still alive. I think finals killed me.

Dean

 

Dean thinks that the way to a man’s heart might truly be through his stomach.

 

Dean had picked Cas up from the first day of the conference as soon as he finished with work. He had left him somewhat unceremoniously in the living room, barking at him to make himself comfortable, before rushing into the bathroom to shower off the grease and sweat before the smell permeated his apartment.

 

When he came out, Cas was cooking.

 

Dean could tell from the curve of his shoulders he was concentrating, but the way he swayed his hips and nodded his head to music only he could hear indicated he was relaxed. Spiciness wafted through the kitchen and a mixing bowl clattered on the counter.

 

Even though it was his kitchen, Dean almost felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He knocked quietly on the doorframe. Cas twitched, the only indication he had been taken by surprise, and continued… whatever it was he was doing.

 

“Hey Cas?”

 

Cas hummed in reply. Dean stepped into the kitchen to look over Cas’s shoulder. “Whatchya doin?”

 

“It’s called cooking,” Cas snarked. Dean was silenced for a moment. _Didn’t know Cas knew how to be sarcastic. Maybe a long day of listening to science nerds makes you cranky._

 

“I can see that,” Dean said slowly. “What are you cooking?”

 

“Well, right now it’s only a red curry sauce. It’s going to be on chicken.”

 

“Not that I’m complaining, but you know you don’t owe me dinner or anything.”

 

“Who said I’m making dinner for you?” Cas raised an eyebrow. “Go away. You’re hovering. If I’m feeling generous when it’s done, I’ll share.”

 

Dean retreated to the living room, somewhat gobsmacked. _Looks like Cas’s alter-ego is coming out to play_. The guy sure was a mystery. Dorky, but confident. Sensitive, but assertive. A whole package of contradictions.

 

Dean wondered which side of Cas’s personality was staring at him from across the table as they shared chicken curry with rice and drank red wine. 

 

——————————————————

 

The conference was 4 days long. Dean had just picked Cas up from the last day. For the first time there was tension in the car.

 

Dean knew Cas had yet to book his flight home, for some reason. And for some reason, Dean didn't want him to leave. He didn't know how to say goodbye; didn't want to. It was nice having the dorky little guy around. He even looked forward to their dinners together, as weird as it might sound. It was nice having someone else around the apartment. Cas, though extremely well-educated, talked to Dean as an equal. He was without judgement. He was welcoming.

 

Cas was staring straight ahead, like he thought he wasn't allowed to look at Dean since he was supposed to be leaving tomorrow. Dean thought he looked mournful, though it was hard to tell from his side profile alone. Not that that would make any sense. Cas barely knew him; he couldn't care about leaving. Cas would soon forget about him when he was back at Stanford.

 

"Hey buddy, don't worry. You're gonna save the bees, right?" Dean joked in an attempt to cheer Cas up.

 

Cas sighed and glanced at Dean out of the corner of his eye, but remained facing forward. "I hope so."

 

_Okay, so not moping because of the bees. Something else, then…?_

 

"You know, it's too bad you didn't get to do more sightseeing, since you were holed up at the symposium all day. You are welcome to stay a few more days if there's anything in the area you want to check out."

 

Cas looked at him now. "I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome."

 

"Nah, don't worry about it. I'm not doing anything this weekend, I can play tour guide."

 

"I'd like that," Cas smiled and all the tension dissipated.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel tried to follow Sam's advice of small meals throughout the day; if only so Sam would stop looking at him with such concern. It had been starting to become irritating.

 

Yet, that same concern was also one of the traits Gabriel admired about Sam. Sam cared so deeply about everyone and wanted to help with everything. If anyone could save the world by depth of compassion alone, it would be Sam.

 

Gabriel saw it when Sam gave an extra cookie to a girl who came into _Expressoself!_ with eyes red from crying. He saw it in how Sam read the menu out loud to an elderly woman who couldn't see the print. Or in the way Sam always did the dishes before his shift was over, because he knew that was Gabriel's least favorite part of cleaning the café. He got to witness Sam's care when he came over and Sam didn't have Mary in bed yet because she was having trouble settling down. Sam had sat with her on his lap and they had read books, while Gabriel watched from the couch. Sam talked to Mary about everything she pointed at in the pictures, elaborated every word she said with a complete sentences, praised her for learning new words, and waited patiently until she was ready to turn the page.

 

In just the few months he had known her, Mary was blossoming into an extremely intelligent toddler _. Of course, look at her dad_. Gabriel could see she was the light of Sam's life. How could she not be? Her smiles were precious, her antics were hilarious, and it was amazing to watch her learn about her environment. Gabriel thought she and Sam were becoming the light of his life too.

 

Gabriel had never given that much thought to having children - after all, adoption was a long and expensive process, and his business was just getting off the ground; not to mention the fact that he was single. However, watching Mary grow under Sam's care made him contemplative. There they both were, so close. Gabriel wanted to encourage someone, to teach, to nurture, to love. He wanted a partner, but he thought he might also want a kid. He wanted a family. He _wanted._

 

Sam had been slowly letting Gabriel into his personal life as they cooked Dijon rosemary chicken with penne, soup in bread bowls, and butternut squash with red curry. He told Gabriel a little about Jess. He told him that his mom had died when he was a baby, so he had no memories of her. He didn't have a great relationship with his dad and he didn't keep in contact with him. When Sam went to Stanford, that was the first time he and Dean had been apart. Gabriel treasured all these stories Sam told him; they didn't define who Sam was, but they were segments of the path he had taken to become the sweet and strong young man he was today.

 

Meanwhile, Cas had called saying that he was going to stay a bit longer in Lawrence to "see the sights."

_I have a feeling "the sights" are Dean._

 

Gabriel had some sights to see here too, anyways. He was glad for the few more days Cas's delayed return might afford him to work alongside Sam in the café. He had supposedly hired Sam so he could work less, but he found himself working more. The hours didn't seem so long when Sam was with him. He liked working with Sam, but he wanted more.

 

 Sam had invited Gabriel to meet socially, outside of work. Sam had taken the first step, even if he hadn't realized it. _Would it be so hard for me to take another?_

 

"Sam?" Gabriel asked casually as Sam tasted the white bean chicken chili they had made.

 

"Yes?" Sam's hazel eyes met Gabriel's, and Gabriel almost lost his train of thought. And his composure. And his nerve. He would have tried to lose his virginity too, if he still had it.

 

_Get yourself under control. It's not like it's an actual date._

 

"Well, there's this winter festival thing this weekend. I'm gonna close the store a bit early. I was wondering if you and Mary might want to come? It's the tree lighting ceremony for the city, all the stores are going to decorate, and there's going to be music. And hot chocolate, of course. Though we could always warm up in other ways afterwards." Gabriel smirked and waggled his eyebrows. Damn his habit of flirting when he was nervous. _Way to go, Gabriel. Scare him away, why don't you._

 

But instead of making some polite refusal before ushering Gabriel swiftly out his door, Sam… giggled? "Yeah, sure. That sounds fun."

 

_He_ has _to know that's the perfect setup._

 

"Oh, it will be, Gigantor. I know ways to get your blood pumping on long, cold nights."

 

Sam blushed and Gabriel hoped he hadn't taken the joke too far. _But!_ Sam hadn't looked at him with disgust or punched him yet, so maybe…

 

"The _festival_ sounds fun, Gabriel. Of course Mary and I would like to come."


	20. Figuring Things Out and Festivities

Gabriel

 

_Seriously, what was the last time I spent this long picking out an outfit?_ Never. Never was the answer.

 

Gabriel turned in front of the mirror for the umpteenth time. At this point, it was time to go, so what he had on would have to do. He was wearing a pair of slim-fitting jeans he was probably too old for ( _oh well; at least they make my ass look good_ ), a dark green shirt ( _matches the festive theme_ ) and a leather jacket that probably wouldn't be warm enough ( _but I'm a badass rebel_ ). He dabbed on a bit of cologne. He hoped Sam wouldn't get a headache from it or think he was trying too hard.

 

Sam was picking him up, since he didn't want to have to transfer Mary's car seat into Gabriel's car. Just as well, since Gabriel's car could use a deep-cleaning. However, shouldn't Gabriel be picking Sam up, since he had asked? But, it's not like it was a _real_ date. Right. So it didn't matter.

 

It totally mattered.

 

Gabriel now empathized with everyone who had ever had to be the person waiting to be picked up for a… non-date. This was _nerve wracking_. Gabriel had always been the person doing the picking-up in his previous relationships. Not that this was a relationship. _Hahahaha._ At least when he was the person driving, he was _doing_ something instead of just sitting here. Waiting for his moose-height knight in shining armor to come and sweep him off his feet and into his cheap car to go to a festival that was probably highly overrated. Not that Gabriel cared about the festival.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Sam parked in front of Gabriel's apartment complex and unloaded Mary. They climbed the stairs to Gabriel's apartment. Sam stood in front of his door and took a deep breath. _Just ring the doorbell, moron._ Sam hesitated nonetheless. He was just picking up his friend to hang out. He had Mary with him, for crying out loud. Why did this feel so much like a date? _Was this a date and I just didn't realize?_ Sam could feel the beginnings of panic rising in his chest.

 

Fortunately for Sam, Mary did not have the same preoccupations, and joyfully pounded on the door with her tiny fist. "Knock knock!" She announced.

 

Gabriel opened the door almost immediately. Sam was briefly horrified, wondering if Gabriel had heard them come up the stairs and had been politely waiting behind the door for them to knock while Sam had his meltdown. His horror didn't last long, however, once he saw Gabriel.

 

Gabriel looked really nice.

 

Almost as if he were dressed for a date.

 

_Oh no._

 

While Sam was becoming increasingly nervous, he had to admit that Gabriel looked younger dressed as he was, in a leather jacket and jeans, instead of in his work uniform or the sweaters he wore to their little cooking adventures. It was fitting, since Gabriel had a youthful personality. Sure, he could be serious, but generally he was full of smiles and contagious laughter. Gabriel always shared his joy. He made Sam happy - a feat not many accomplished, and certainly not as easily as Gabriel did.  

 

With that realization, Sam had enough courage to actually tune in to what Gabriel was saying. "-- I mean, if you don't think that would be too loud for Mary. Most of it will probably just be college student bands doing covers of indie pop or something."

 

_Crap. He's been talking for awhile. Say something, Sam!_

 

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure it will be fine." Sam said with what he hoped was a convincing smile. "Shall we?"

 

Gabriel beamed in return. "Lead the way, Samsquatch!"

 

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

 

Gabriel insisted on sitting in the back seat with Mary, who had been extremely upset about being packed back into her carseat after such a short time out of it. Sam glanced back at him several times in the rearview mirror as he read a book to Mary, doing silly voices for each character. Sam could hear Mary's answering giggles. Sam's heart warmed.

 

Soon they were walking toward downtown, Mary like a personal heater against Sam's chest in her carrier. There were small decorated trees in front of the stores, and each storefront was now bedecked with various configurations of fake snow, paper snowflakes, reindeer, snowmen, and red and green lights. Sam smiled as they approached _Expressoself!_

 

"Dang, my favorite coffee shop is closed," Sam joked.

 

"Such a shame. The baristas there are pretty good looking too." Gabriel replied with a wink. Sam hoped it was dark enough to cover his blush. Here Gabriel was, complimenting himself again; just like when they first met. Though this time, it seemed that Sam was included in the quip; and even though in the past that would have made him uneasy, now it just gave him a pleasant flutter in his chest. 

 

Sam stopped in front of _Expressoself!_ when he realized it was decorated. There were now intricate paper snowflakes dangling in the window, and in the corner of the window there were paper cutouts of a bee, angel wings, and a moose.

 

"Gabe…?" Sam asked hesitantly. "Did you do this?"

 

"Yeah, I know it's lame," Gabriel rolled his eyes. "But I couldn't be the _bland_ store on the block."

 

"No, it's nice," Sam said as he leaned closer to look at the drawings. "When did you even find the time? So, you're the angel wings, I'm guessing Cas is the bee…?"

 

Gabriel scuffed his feet. "You're the moose. Cuz you're tall. You're my Samoose!" Gabriel tittered nervously.

 

Sam met Gabriel's eyes and smiled slowly. "You're ridiculous."

 

"You know you like it!" Gabriel chirped.

 

_I do._

 

They continued onward toward the city square, stopping every so often for Mary to point at some particularly colorful lights or decorations. Once they arrived, they ordered hot drinks at a booth - a cider for Sam and hot chocolate for Gabriel. Or rather, Gabriel asked what Sam wanted, then darted ahead into the crowd to wait in line before Sam could argue and give him money for his drink. Sam watched him walk away jauntily. Those jeans really did fit him well. _Dammit Sam, stop staring at his ass._ Sam paused for a moment to contemplate that he was, indeed, staring at Gabriel's ass. At. His. Ass. As in, definite physical attraction. Like, he'd tap that.

 

_Oh no._

 

This complicated things. If Sam hadn't been so tall, it would have been easy to lose Gabriel in the crowd. As it were, he could see the top of his golden mop of hair swerving around people as he came back with the drinks. Sam attempted to think quickly before Gabriel returned. _Do I do something? Do I leave it alone?  Do I start flirting? How do I flirt??? What the hell do normal people do when they are attracted to someone?_ Sam frantically tried to remember what he had done with Jess. But Jess pursued him, not the other way around; he hadn't done much of anything at all. Gabriel on the other hand… Gabriel hadn't pushed him into anything, physical or emotional. In fact… _Maybe Gabriel is… letting me lead_? He had only invited Sam to spend time with him socially after Sam had invited him over with cooking lessons. He had only resumed his flirting after Sam had recovered from his awkwardness following the Great Dean-Is-an-Asshole Incident. In fact, he and Gabriel had never even touched, even though he had seen Gabriel bump hips with Castiel and pat the hands of little old lady customers. Castiel had even mentioned that Gabriel was very physically affectionate. While it was possible that Gabriel hadn't touched him because he just really didn't like Sam (or because Sam smelled or because Mary had wiped snot on his shirt) it would seem unlikely that he would want to spend time with him if that were the case. _So maybe I just have to make the first move? Ugh, that's intimidating._ Sam decided to test his theory subtly. He could do subtle.

 

Gabriel returned with their drinks with a chipper smile. "I'll hold onto them until they're cool enough to drink. That way you're not carrying anything too hot with the little pumpkin pie strapped to you."

 

"Thanks," Sam smiled. He wanted to tell Gabriel that he liked how thoughtful he was and how he had started using Sam and Dean's nickname for Mary, but the words didn't come. He hoped Gabriel could see it in his smile.

 

"Ooh, Sam! Look! They have carriage rides!" Gabriel bounced in place.

 

Indeed they did. Chestnut draft horses were pulling carts of people around the town square.

 

"Looks wrong without any snow," Sam said absentmindedly. Gabriel's face fell. "But, it sounds fun." Sam amended quickly.

 

"Horse!" Mary pointed as they walked closer.

 

"See? This is educational," Gabriel joked. Sam rolled his eyes and reached for his wallet to pay the $10 admission for the ride, but Gabriel swooped in front of him to hand the driver the money.

 

"My treat, remember?"

 

Sam wondered if he had found the answer of "who pays" on a date. He wished he had the answer as to whether or not this _was_ a date. 

 

The only seats open were in the back, on a long wooden bench. Sam could have squeezed all the way to one end and left Gabriel plenty of room as they sat down. Instead, he sat closer to the middle. His knee and thigh brushed lightly against Gabriel's. He could feel Gabriel's body heat, for the first time, through the denim. He sat stock still, barely breathing, afraid that if he moved he would frighten Gabriel away.

 

Gabriel didn't move away. He could have easily shifted as he pointed out the road that lead to Cas's apartment, or when he leaned over to check that the clunking sound wasn't actually the wheel falling off (giving Sam another nice look at the way his jeans hugged his ass. _Mmm_.), or when Sam had unstrapped a squirming and screeching Mary from the carrier so she could sit on his lap and face forward. But Gabriel always returned to sit pressed gently against Sam. So close that Sam could smell his cologne again. So close, in fact, that Sam could feel him shivering. The temperature had dropped now that the sun had set, and Gabriel was only wearing a leather jacket that was more clearly fashionable than functional.

 

Sam chuckled and removed his oversized Carhartt. Gabriel raised an eyebrow at him. Sam ignored him and plopped Mary (who was well-bundled up, since Sam prioritized warmth over looks, thank you very much) on the seat beside him and laid the coat over both of their laps. Gabriel's eyebrow crept higher.

 

"You were cold," Sam offered in explanation. He looked ahead nonchalantly, but he could see a small smile on Gabriel's face.

 

Their carriage ride ended and they gathered with the rest of the crowd for the tree lighting ceremony. Sam repositioned Mary in the carrier and placed his coat over Gabriel's shoulders. Mary kept him warm enough anyway; so did the grateful look Gabriel shot him even as he muttered, "I'm fine."

 

There was a countdown like the one on New Year's Eve, and suddenly the forty-foot tree blazed to life with multi-colored lights. The crowd cheered and Gabriel whooped loudly. _If he gets this excited about the holidays, maybe we can decorate a tree together this year._ Sam tried to remember if he had ever decorated a tree. Maybe a small fake one once, when he and Dean were little. It sounded like something he'd like to experience with Gabriel. In fact, there was a lot of life that he'd like to experience with Gabriel.

 

The music started at that time; what sounded like a cover by a college band, as Gabriel had predicted. They actually didn't sound half bad.

 

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me…_

 

Sam looked at Gabriel, who was swaying to the music and grinning. Sam's coat completely covered his hands and almost reached his knees. Sam liked the way he looked in it. The glow from the Christmas tree shone on Gabriel's face, making his eyes gleam.

 

Sam couldn't hear the music anymore, only his own heartbeat. He couldn't see anything or anyone else in front of him, only Gabriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is "I Found" by Amber Run.


	21. Casual

Dean

 

He had asked Cas if he wanted to go to the art museum. But here they were, still in his apartment.

 

_What the hell is Cas doing in there?_ He was still in the bathroom. Dean had heard the shower running for a long time, and then just random, quiet clunking and shuffling. He had now cleaned the oven and mopped the floor, and never mind he didn't actually care that much about museums, so help him, he would leave without Cas if he didn't _hurry up._

 

As if on cue (or as if reading his mind, which often Cas acted like he did) Cas appeared.

 

He was wearing Oxfords and slim fitting khakis. His cobalt blue button up shirt was tucked in, a gray sweater loose and unbuttoned. His hair stood on end, mussed in a way that simply couldn't be purposeful. He was a combination of composed and disheveled. _And wow, that shirt makes his eyes pop._

 

Dean suddenly became aware that he had been staring at Cas for an uncomfortably long time. What the hell was wrong with him? He didn't stare at other dudes. Usually, at least. _Maybe Sam's sexuality switch thing is contagious._ Dean knew that was ridiculous, and simply not true, but come _on._ He normally had a better handle on himself. His dad had made sure of that. It was only weakness if he acted on it, right?

 

So when he wanted to say, " _You look nice, Cas. Ready to go?"_ what came out was, "Why are you dressed up just to go to the museum?" Cas was dressed even more nicely than he had been for the symposium, after all.

 

Cas squinted at him. "I'm not dressed up for the museum…" He replied hesitantly.

 

_Oh shit._

 

Dean was familiar enough with Cas's manner of speech that he knew what words had remained unspoken. Cas thought this was a date.

 

Dean was going to correct him, but the words wouldn't come when he saw Cas's look of worry. So instead he just opened the door for Cas and ushered him to the Impala.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam

 

Sam wanted to continue his little… experiment. The next time he was at work, he initiated casual touch with Gabriel. A hand on Gabriel's shoulder to let him know he was passing behind him (it was pretty tight quarters in the café, after all); a brush against his side as he reached around Gabriel for the cinnamon.

 

Gabriel definitely seemed a bit spacy and distracted, but this time, it wasn't because he wasn't eating.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gabriel

 

Sam was being so _touchy_ lately. Not that he was complaining. However, it was becoming increasingly difficult to get anything _done._ That morning, he had already ruined a batch of éclairs by adding salt, then forgetting, then adding more salt, then forgetting if he had already added the sugar or not as Sam's hand snaked around his waist to oh-so-casually grab something off the shelf in front of Gabriel. Gabriel then proceeded to forget orders and give people the wrong change.

 

_Sam doesn't know what he's_ doing _to me._ Honestly, it was bad for business. Just when he thought he had himself collected, Sam would brush into him again. Normally, these small touches could be mistaken for friendly camaraderie, but as he and Sam had been so careful to never touch each other before, Gabriel knew better. And he was floating on clouds for it. 

 

Gabriel wanted to run his hands over Sam's vast expanses of skin, tangle his fingers in his hair, gaze into his eyes forever. Nevertheless, Gabriel had promised himself that he would not touch Sam in any way that Sam had not already touched him. Sam seemed like he wanted to take things slowly, so he would give him the control to do that.

 

Sam wasn't making it easy, however. He stayed late that day, saying that Mary was spending the night with Jess. Sam had done the dishes (bless his heart), and he and Gabriel sat down at what had become their usual table. Gabriel was drinking a non-caffeinated tea (with which he had replaced his customary hot chocolate. He still allowed himself hot chocolate, but only for special occasions) and Sam (bless his heart once again) had asked if he could have some too. Sam didn't usually drink tea, so Gabriel knew he was just commiserating with him. It was a sweet gesture. This time, they weren't afraid of their knees touching under the table. They sipped their tea and chatted about Nietzsche, when Sam suddenly asked,

 

"Gabe, would you like a massage?"

 

Gabriel's mind blanked as he lifted his hand from the shoulder it had been rubbing and looked at it like it had betrayed him.

 

"What?" He asked disbelievingly.

 

Sam seemed slightly embarrassed. "Um. Well, you looked a bit tense."

 

A slow grin broke across Gabriel's face. He mocked pinching himself. "Is this a dream?" He waggled his eyebrows at Sam. "You know you can massage me whenever and _wherever_ you want, Sam."

 

"Ugh, I knew you'd say something like that." Sam buried his face in his hands.

 

"C'mon Sam, you can't just dangle something like that in front of me and then take it away!"

 

Sam gave him a bitchface. "Fine." He rose and strode over to stand behind Gabriel. Gabriel expected just a quick shoulder rub, after all the ribbing he had given Sam. But what Sam was doing was _heavenly_. He dug into the knots and worked out tightness Gabriel didn’t even know he had. Gabriel had to stifle a moan. How long had it been since anyone had cared enough to do this for him? Heck, since someone had touched him more intimately than brief hug or a firm handshake? Maybe in the beginning of his relationship with Balthazar, a few years ago, before Balthazar had stopped caring enough to be sweet to Gabriel. That didn't matter now, though: Sam was working miracles. _Do NOT get a boner. It is a_ shoulder _massage._ He wanted to let his head loll back, but he knew if he did, he would get lost in Sam's gorgeous eyes, and then say something spontaneous and ill-advised, like " _please take me on this table right now"_ or " _I think I love you."_

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean

 

Dean was going to tell Cas it wasn't a date when they were looking at the paintings in the museum. He could make some offhanded comment that would clarify that this was just an… outing. Amongst friends. But then Cas tilted his head and said he liked this painting because 'it felt like the artist had been happy while creating it'.

 

He was going to tell him at dinner, but then Cas laughed at one of his horrible jokes, and Cas had a smile full of life and light, and he had crow's feet around his blue eyes.

 

He was going to tell him when Cas lingered at the door of the spare bedroom and told Dean goodnight with a sleepy smile, wearing pajama bottoms with bees on them.

 

But the truth was, he didn't want to.


	22. Literal Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: homophobic language from John Winchester in one of Dean's memories. Mentions of past abuse/neglect.

Dean

 

"Dean?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"I think we both know there really isn't that much to see in Lawrence."

 

"Um."

 

"You know, it's ok for us to just spend time together because we want to."

 

"Um."

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Cas had purchased the plane ticket for his return trip and was leaving tomorrow. Dean should have been relieved. Normally playing host to a houseguest had him reaching for the whiskey by the second day. He realized he actually hadn't drank anything besides a glass of wine with dinner since Cas had been here. Neither was he going crazy from the constant presence of someone in his apartment. Instead, he was cooking burgers as a farewell dinner for Cas, and it felt like he was preparing a last meal for someone on death row.

 

Dean forced himself to listen to Cas's stories and laugh, just like he had been the past week and a half. All he could think about was how much he would miss this. He could sense an impending emptiness in his life - but that didn't even make sense. He barely even _knew_ Cas. He didn't know how old he was, or what city he was originally from, or even really what he did all day for his research. Yet… he knew how Cas sang when he was distracted and his hands were busy. He knew that Cas had a frigid but still painful relationship with his family, aside from Gabriel. He knew that Cas thought before he spoke and listened carefully, even when Dean wasn't making sense. He knew there was a lot Cas didn't understand about people, but Cas asked questions and had an insatiable curiosity. He knew that Cas cared so deeply about every living thing, even the ones that often got overlooked and ignored - such as bugs and certain people.

 

Yet even then, Cas managed to surprise him.

 

Dean was washing the dishes after dinner, lost in thought, when he felt Cas press up against his back, hands resting on his hips.

 

He should have seen it coming, since Cas had been slowly inching more and more into his personal space over the past few days. But he didn't. He was surprised. And Dean did not react well to surprises.

 

Dean spun around, his arms breaking Cas's hold on his hips, dish wand brandished in front of him. "What the hell are you doing?" 

 

Cas immediately stepped back, eyes wide. "My apologies."

 

Dean could feel himself blushing furiously and his heart was thumping wildly. "No, s'ok, I just -- I don't like men."

 

[ _"I don't understand why they choose to be like that," John shook his head. "I think it's a cry for attention." His glassy eyes made contact with Dean's. "No Winchester is gonna be begging like that. You want attention? Put in hard work and make something of yourself. Don't take it up the ass," he chuckled._

 

_"Who recorded Dr. Sexy? Is this a fucking joke?"_

 

_"It's fine. Just don't act on it. It doesn't mean you're gay. Just don't act on it. It's a choice, it's a choice, it's a choice," Dean whispered to himself._ ]

 

Cas's face was blank. "It seems I have… misunderstood."

 

"What?"

 

"The museum? The garden? The movie? The dinner at the upscale restaurant? I thought we were…" Cas, usually so articulate but for once at a loss for words, trailed off and motioned between them with his hands. Dean didn't answer him. Cas tilted his head and gazed into Dean's soul. Dean was pretty sure he could sense fear.

 

"Pardon me for being forward, but… I just want to remind you that sexuality can be fluid, Dean. It doesn't have to be strictly defined, and it can change over time," Castiel said softly. "And if you didn't need to hear that, then forget I said anything." Cas nodded and took another step back. "Dean, you are a wonderful person. I would be more than happy to remain your friend and nothing else. I hope we keep in touch." Cas then retreated from the kitchen.

 

"You too, Cas…" The words fell from Dean's mouth and landed heavily on the empty kitchen floor.

 

Dean had told the truth. He had set things straight (literally); something he should have done long ago. _So why do I feel like I just fucked everything up?_

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel loved the holidays. He loved the smell of cedarwood and pine. He loved Christmas decorations. He liked giving gifts and seeing people smile. He liked how, even in the midst of manic consumerism, people attempted to be a little more generous and a little more kind.

 

Gabriel _really_ enjoyed holiday food (though he was only eating it in moderation this year): hot chocolate and pies and squash and soups. So he and Sam were staying late, making apple cider doughnuts as a new addition to Gabriel's menu. So in all, he supposed his love of holiday cheer could be blamed for what happened next.

 

Sam was dunking the doughnuts in the frying oil after Gabriel had finished with the dough. The light was dim but warm, and glinted off of Sam's teeth when he threw back his head and laughed. They had synergy - it was easy to find a rhythm while working with Sam, even as they talked and neither one paid particular attention to what their hands were doing.

 

Though, perhaps they should have paid more attention, as suddenly there was hot oil splashing down Sam's front. Sam hissed in pain and ripped off his flannel and oil-soaked undershirt. Gabriel would have been down on his knees thanking Jesus for the opportunity to see a shirtless Sam, if not for the redness blossoming over Sam's washboard abs and chest. Gabriel hated that he was useless in an emergency. He was stuck in place, babbling at Sam.

 

"Oh my gosh, are you ok? I mean, of course you're not ok, but do you need medical help? I'm so sorry Sam!"

 

Sam was just clenching his teeth, not answering him, and that was finally enough to prompt Gabriel to move. He scurried off to grab a washcloth and his tube of aloe that he kept for minor burns. He wasn't so sure that this was classified as a "minor burn," but he would start with the treatment he had on hand. He guided Sam to sit on a stool, then wetted the washcloth with cool water and started gently dabbing it over the red blotch on Sam's stomach and lower pectoral. He hated himself for ogling Sam in a time like this, but _Hot damn, Sam was ripped._ Gabriel hoped he wasn't drooling. He knew Sam looked like he was in good shape, but he hadn't realized _how_ good, as he was always wearing at least two layers -- always with the flannel, of course. Sam flinched a bit as Gabriel gently pressed the cool washcloth to the worst of the burn, just over Sam's ribcage.

 

"Sorry," Gabriel said softly. "You alright?"

 

"Yeah," Sam replied gruffly. "Thanks."

 

"Do you want me to drive you to urgent care?"

 

"No," Sam replied sharply. _Apparently Sam gets a bit testy when in pain. Good to know._

 

After a couple minutes, Gabriel opened the tube of aloe.

 

"I can do that," offered Sam.

 

"No, it's fine," Gabriel insisted. Of course he liked doing just about anything involving his hands on Sam's body, but more than that, he liked taking care of people. He liked taking care of Sam. He used as light of touches as he possibly could, resisting the temptation to let his fingers linger. Once he was done smearing the aloe over a worryingly large area of Sam's torso, Sam stood and turned to reach for the shirt he had tossed on the counter.

 

"You might want to wait until the aloe dries --" Gabriel choked on his next words. On Sam's shoulder, starting at the top and curling down the back of his shoulder blade, was a long, ragged scar. Sam had frozen as if he knew exactly where Gabriel was looking. Gabriel took a hesitant step closer. The scar was arced like a crescent, and puckered. It was definitely not the clean reminder of a clinical surgery; if Gabriel had to guess, the injury hadn't even received stitches.

 

"Sam?" Gabriel wasn't even sure what he wanted to ask. "What happened?" He stepped closer and his fingers hovered over the damaged skin.

 

Sam breathed one humorless laugh. "My dad."

 

Gabriel sucked in a breath of air. Sam rolled his eyes at him. "S'fine."

 

"No, it's really… not." Gabriel said slowly. He waited patiently for Sam to continue. Sam grabbed his shirt and twisted it in his hands, as if he didn't want his body bared at the same time as his psyche. Sam sighed and sat heavily on the stool, head bowed. He refused to look at Gabriel.

 

"I don't even remember _why_. He was drunk, I guess I did something to make him mad, he threw a bottle at me, I turned and ducked, and it shattered, and," Sam gestured vaguely toward his shoulder. "Dean wanted to take me to the hospital but dad - John - wouldn't let him. He was crying and apologizing at that point. Probably thought they'd take me and Dean away if we went to the hospital." Sam's face was a mask. "Dean took good care of me though. Made sure to clean the cut a couple times a day. He tried to kind of -- " Sam brought his hands together in a smushing gesture "-- tape it together, but I kept tearing it open again. At that age I didn't know how to sit still." Sam gave a wry smile. 

 

Gabriel felt anger roiling in his gut. He hated this man whom he had never met, who had hurt his own child -- his own sweet, innocent Sam. Being drunk was not an excuse. John Winchester was lucky Gabriel didn't know where he was, because otherwise Gabriel would _hunt him down_ and do… something _._ He wanted to tell Sam he was sorry for what had happened to him; that he didn't deserve it; that Gabriel would take away all his pain if he could. He knew, however, that Sam (especially in his current defensive state) would probably just accuse Gabriel of pitying him and insist that he was fine. So instead Gabriel circled to Sam's back and pressed three soft kisses along the scar.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam

 

When he felt the hot oil clinging to his shirt and cooking his skin, Sam didn't hesitate in stripping. He didn't typically enjoy randomly flashing people, but he figured it was excusable under the circumstances. Because _damn,_ that hurt. The pain thrummed with his pulse. It was only his extensive practice in suppressing expletives around Mary that prevented him from releasing a string of curses. However, he still couldn't bring himself to answer Gabriel, who was hovering over him frantically.

 

Sam was embarrassed of his pain. He hated others (however well-meaning they were) to see him in a moment of weakness. He really just wanted Gabriel _to leave him the hell alone_ until the pain passed. He snapped at Gabriel, then immediately felt guilty about it.

 

As resistant as he was, it was nice to have Gabriel take care of him. His touch was soothing, and Sam incrementally relaxed. That is, until he turned his back to Gabriel and heard Gabriel ask, "What happened?"

 

He immediately knew Gabriel meant the scar. He really didn't feel like explaining this right now, opening the old wound, but he knew Gabriel would probably just ask him about it later if he didn't tell him now. He watched Gabriel's face become increasingly stormy as he told his Tragic Backstory. He was expecting Gabriel to say some meaningless platitudes that were supposed to comfort him but would really just made him feel empty and irritated. Instead, he felt Gabriel's lips on his shoulder. Three kisses that were certainly not _platonic_ , but were also in no way sexual. Simply tender and loving. Part of Sam wanted to turn to Gabriel and demand an explanation of his feelings, or (even more ill-advised) kiss him back, but he knew that he was too emotionally charged for either of those actions to be a good idea.

 

Instead, Sam relished the feeling of the brush of Gabriel's lips against his skin. He thought Gabriel was binding his wounds with just as much love as Dean had many years ago, yet in an utterly different way. Sam thought maybe he had needed both ways all this time. It felt like catharsis. It felt like healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: I do not recommend making assumptions about someone's sexuality or giving them unsolicited advice, unless you have magic soul-staring abilities like Cas. Even then, it's probably not a good idea. 
> 
> Second NOTE: I am not a medical professional. This would probably be a second degree burn, and putting some cool water on it and a dab of aloe would not be sufficient. But, it's the Winchesters, so... If you are burned (physically, that is) please go to the hospital. Do not read fanfic for advice.
> 
> So… this chapter was a bit more angsty than usual (everyone guessed correctly: yes, Dean's gay panic sets in), but hopefully the ending sweetened it a bit :) I.e. Gabriel and Sam actually talk! Let me know what you think of the use of Dean's flashback/memories (or what you think of anything else!). xx


	23. Language Kink

Dean

Dean  was overworked and underpaid, but generally appreciated by his coworkers and boss, and he liked what he did. He liked having his hands busy, but also using his mind to solve issues with cars. He tried to be polite to all his customers, and didn't condescend those who weren't knowledgeable or mechanically-inclined. In all, he was good at his job. He still wanted his own business someday, a private shop with maybe a couple employees, but he had time to get there.

 

So overall, he normally liked driving to work. Not today. Today, the radio was playing _Stairway to Heaven_ and all he could think about was Cas. The way Cas had looked, sitting shotgun, and his angelic singing voice. He scowled and punched the radio off.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Castiel was grumpy.

 

Sam didn't know him particularly well, but he seemed to be acting even more serious and reserved than usual. Tension was practically rolling off of him. Cas had barely spoken to Gabriel since returning, and had said even fewer words to Sam. Gabriel had tried to coax him into a better mood by asking him about the conference and the bees, to no avail. Cas had announced that he would only be working a few hours a week at _Expressoself!_ in favor of putting in more hours at the lab. As a little brother, Sam recognized  an avoidance technique when he saw one. There was something Cas didn't want to talk to Gabriel about, so he was trying to spend as little time with him as possible.

 

Sam sort of doubted that something would go so horrifically wrong at a bug symposium as to have such lasting effects. Which left one other option for the cause of Cas's foul mood.

 

He cornered Cas when Gabriel was on his lunch break. "Hey Cas,"

 

"Hello Sam," Cas avoided meeting his eyes and continued restocking the pastry case.

 

"So…" Sam began. "I know this probably isn't my place, and I hate to pry… but are you doing ok?"

 

Cas leveled a glare at him. "Yes."

 

"Hm." Sam hummed. He continued standing next to Cas and waited. Cas continued restocking the display case, but eventually stood and heaved a sigh.

 

"I… misinterpreted the nature of my relationship with your brother."

 

Sam blinked at him. Sure, he had had his suspicions about Dean, with all his hypersexualized, heterosexual posturing that seemed to cover the way he stared a little too long at some guys; but no one had ever picked up on it enough to _act_ on it. Who knows what Dean had said or done if Cas had… come onto him or something.

 

"Dean is an asshat," Sam said flatly.

 

Cas looked startled. "He's not. He's a very good man, he's just… straight."

 

"Well," Sam started to argue, but then thought better of getting into a discussion of Dean's sexuality. "You're a good guy, too, Cas." He paused, then added, "Dean isn't very good at talking about feelings," as if that explained everything. 

 

"Obviously neither am I," Cas said mournfully.

 

"I'm sorry, buddy," Sam patted him a bit awkwardly on the shoulder. "Let me know if you need anything or to talk or whatever."

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam had an hour left of work after Cas left. Gabriel had been in the back doing paperwork, but he reemerged to help during an influx of customers. Sam was making orders while Gabriel was at the cash register.

 

"I would like an iced coffee…. With…." Sam overheard a woman ordering with a thick accent. He glanced over. She had one finger in the air in a 'wait' gesture and was typing in her phone. "With caramel," she continued.

 

"Coming right up!" Gabriel chirped. "Would you like skim milk or whole milk?"

 

"Umm…" the woman hesitated. "Repeat please?"

 

“Habla Español?” asked Gabriel.

“Sí.”

“Quisiera leche descremada o leche entera?”

“Descremada, por favor.”

Sam hurriedly handed a customer the coffee he had just finished making and turned his whole attention to the conversation while he pretended to wipe down the counter. Gabriel rang the woman up and handed her her change.

“Está visitando Stanford?”

“Sí, mi hijo va a Stanford,” the woman smiled. “él estudia química.” 

"¿Será ingeniero?" Gabriel asked. The woman nodded. “Diga a él que si venga aquí, recibirá una rebaja.” Gabriel winked. 

Sam tried not to openly stare as Gabriel and the female customer said their goodbyes. He had only caught a couple words (it had been since high school that he had taken any Spanish) but the meaning didn't matter to Sam. The way Gabriel _sounded_ … his accent was perfect, and the way he rolled his r's nearly made Sam salivate. Not to mention Gabriel was _fluent in another language_ and somehow forgot to mention it. The guy was a humble genius - and to Sam _, genius_ was almost synonymous with _attractive_. Sexy, even. _Is it possible to have a language kink_?  Sam had snuck a couple glances at Gabriel while he was talking, and Sam could have watched the way Gabriel's mouth moved for hours. He wasn't sure why he hadn't paid more attention to it before. That mouth had told Sam so many stories, had delivered so many quick-witted quips, had told so many jokes. Sam was struck by the desire to kiss those lips. And he knew that simply brushing shoulders with Gabriel while at work wasn't going to get him there.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel was staring at something under the cash drawer (again -- he seemed to do that on occasion, but Sam was never quite fast enough to figure out what it was he was looking at, and he never had the presence of mind to ask about it later). Sam flipped the sign to 'closed' and strolled over to Gabriel. He leaned over the counter in what he hoped was a suave manner.

"So get this," he began, "there's a new _Star Wars_ movie coming out."

Gabriel raised an eyebrow at him. "Yes… I'm the one who told you about that."

Sam rubbed the back of his neck. He could feel his hands start to sweat. "Yeah. Right. Well, I thought it would be a good idea to re-watch all the old movies, ya know? To be caught up."

Gabriel was counting down the cash drawer now. "Mmhmm."

 _Great. He's not even paying attention to me now._ Sam soldiered on. "So, maybe we could --" _have a date_ "-- watch them together sometime? Maybe Friday or Saturday night? At my apartment, because Mary will be sleeping, not because my apartment's nicer." _Oh my gosh Sam SHUT UP.  "_ We won't be able to have the sound on very loud so it won't be that great of a movie watching experience, but you know --"

"That sounds great!" Gabriel fortunately interrupted his unending blabbering. "I'll bring the snacks, of course. Just don't let me eat too many. I've been doing really good."

"Maybe I'll only give you almonds and fruit," Sam teased.

Gabriel gasped. "Sammy, that's a crime against movie food!"

"Please, you know I could still have you eating out of my hand," Sam laughed. Something in the atmosphere suddenly changed. Gabriel was still teasing, but he seemed somehow more serious and insistent.

"You most certainly could. And I'd enjoy it." Gabriel held his gaze for a few moments. A smile creased the corners of his eyes. "Changing tactics for feeding me from cooking together to the movie date, huh?"

 _Date._ Sam had been to afraid of say that word. Yet here Gabriel was, throwing it to him like an answer to an unasked question. "I guess I am," Sam grinned.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Gabriel

Sam had told him to dress comfortably. He was debating on how nicely he could dress and still have it pass as 'comfortable.' With the influence of Sam's healthy eating habits (and the motivation of becoming more appealing to Sam) he had dropped a couple pounds. Nothing too drastic, but he did feel confident enough to pull on a T-shirt that was a bit more form-fitting than usual. It actually seemed flattering now, instead of just stretching tight around his middle. He chose a pair of loose-fitting sweatpants, to balance out the tighter-fitting shirt. Gabriel debated on gelling his hair, but decided against it. _It's just a movie. Casual. Relaxed._ He could relax. Breathe in, breathe out.

It was difficult to relax when Sam kept making comments like having Gabriel "eating out of his hand," which had immediately made Gabriel think of licking other parts of Sam. Honestly, where were these thoughts coming from? _Behave, Gabriel._

He arrived to Sam's early, then dithered in his car. He didn't want to seem too clingy on their first date.

 _First date._ At least, Gabriel hoped he had understood Sam's meaning correctly. Sam hadn't corrected Gabriel when Gabriel had flung out the word 'date' on accident ( _damn you, subconscious)_. And this somehow felt more… intimate than the winter festival. This was an invitation to be in close proximity to Sam for an extended period of time.

Finally, Gabriel climbed the stairs to Sam's apartment and knocked on his door - softly, as to not wake Mary.

The door swung open to reveal Sam. Gorgeous, gorgeous Sam. His (increasingly) long hair was slightly damp and his skin was flushed, as if he had just gotten out of a hot shower. He wore a thin white T-shirt (which Gabriel was so thankful for; _there was no flannel! Repeat: NO FLANNEL!_ ) and snug sweatpants. _Whew, Sam is well-endowed. Proportional._ Gabriel tore his eyes away to meet Sam's, hoping his salacious stare had gone unnoticed.

"Hi," Sam said a bit breathlessly.

"Hi," Gabriel answered. He had been to Sam's apartment multiple times a week for a few weeks now, but this felt so much different.

"Please, come in," Sam motioned him inside and lead him to the living room. The couch had been transformed from bare to overflowing with pillows ( _where did Sam produce these from?_ ) and throw blankets. "Have a seat, you can put the snacks on the coffee table" Sam gestured. He popped a disk into his  TV. "I'm just having water tonight. Want anything?" Sam called over his shoulder.

"Water is fine," Gabriel croaked. He had a nice view of Sam's tight ass. _He should wear those sweatpants more often._ Gabriel arranged the snacks on the table, trying to keep his hands from shaking. Sam returned and set the waters on the table.

"Ready?" Sam asked.

 _I would be, if I could stop sweating and shaking and forgetting how to speak in your presence._ "Sure am!"

Sam flopped on the couch next to him, then pulled up his legs to sit cross-legged. One of his knees was now laying over Gabriel's thigh. Gabriel tried to remember how to breath. How was it that such an innocent touch could affect him so much? He didn't think he ever felt so electrified by being touched by someone's _knee_. Of course, this was Sam. Sam was different than anyone else he'd ever been with (not that he was _with_ Sam. Yet). Sam was sweeter and smarter and stronger than all the others. Gabriel wouldn't have believed that Sam would actually want to touch _him_ (a non-underwear-model-type person who lacked a Stanford degree) if he hadn't been so careful to let Sam initiate physical contact first.

Gabriel could barely pay any attention to the movie. Instead, he snuck glances of Sam's shirt riding up in back as Sam leaned forward to snag another piece of kettle corn. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Sam's strong jaw work as he chewed.  He basked in the feeling of Sam's leg brushing against his. Though, it seemed that more and more of Sam's leg was laying on his, the weight becoming increasingly noticeable. _Is it possible he's actually… moving closer?_ Sam's eyes kept flicking to meet Gabriel's. _Shit, I've been caught. He invited you over to watch a movie, not to have you ogle him._ Gabriel began to dutifully keep his eyes on the TV, even as Sam's shoulder began to press into his.

Eventually, his fake moving-watching was interrupted by Sam clearing his throat. Gabriel hazarded a glance at Sam. He looked uneasy. Gabriel immediately felt concerned. _Did I do something wrong?_

"Gabriel?"

"Yes…?" Gabriel answered hesitantly.

"Um. I was wondering if it would be ok, if you would mind if - keeping in mind that there's no pressure or anything, just tell me if you don't want to; but can I put my arm around you?" Gabriel had never seen Sam have this much trouble formulating a sentence . He felt guilty at having caused Sam anxiety, but he also felt a rush of possessiveness. He wanted to be the only one who had that effect on Sam. Gabriel was proud that he was the one Sam was getting all flustered about.  He suppressed an ecstatic squeal. _Sam wants me he wants me he wants me!_

"Hell yes!" Gabriel exclaimed when he realized he had just been looking at Sam with a dopey grin for awhile. Sam visibly relaxed, heaved a sigh of relief, and stretched one long arm - _holy crap his biceps -_ around Gabriel's shoulders. Gabriel snuggled into Sam's side. Sam's hair brushed his cheek, and he could smell Sam's conditioner, and he could feel the warmth radiating from the bare skin on Sam's arm. Gabriel's heart was racing, but he had never felt so calm and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've always liked the idea of Sam being sapiosexual and kind of having a language kink. Therefore I wanted to include the bit of conversation in Spanish. That being said, it bothers me when non-native English speakers are portrayed as helpless and confused, or when the foreign language is not given the consideration it deserves. I tried to portray this Spanish-speaking customer as being a problem-solver in the 21st century - ie using Google Translate when she got stuck. I know I kind of used her as a plot device (sorry!); however, I felt this was a plausible scenario on a college campus and I really wanted to use it to draw Gabriel and Sam together more. 
> 
> Please point out any errors in my Spanish! (I am not a native Spanish speaker).
> 
> Translation:
> 
> "Do you speak Spanish?"  
> "Yes."  
> "Would you like skim milk or whole milk?"  
> "Skim, please."  
> "Are you visiting Stanford?"  
> "Yes, my son attends Stanford. He studies chemistry."  
> "Will he be an engineer?" … "Tell him that if he comes here, he'll get a discount." 
> 
> Thoughts about language kinks? Want to tell me to stick to English? Do you have an opinion on Star Wars? Leave a comment! :)


	24. PDA and Phone Calls

Sam

 

Brushing shoulders turned into holding hands when Gabriel and Sam went to the children's museum with Mary. Holding hands turned into looping their arms around each other's waists while pushing Mary in her stroller in the park. They were no longer afraid to call these meetings dates. It was as if the floodgates had opened once Sam had made clear that touch between him and Gabriel was romantic; that the feelings between him and Gabriel were romantic. Of course, what for Sam was a flood would be a trickle for most people; but for Sam - who was uncomfortable with touch except that with people with whom he was emotionally close - each small gesture of affection set fire to his senses and made his heart leap. He trusted Gabriel. Gabriel never took more than what Sam offered; never pressured Sam for more intimacy, physical or emotional, than what Sam was ready for. He did, however, display physical affection frequently. He was almost always touching Sam in some way: standing so he was brushing against Sam, giving his hand a quick squeeze, rubbing gentle circles on Sam's lower back. Sam thought it was a nice reminder of Gabriel's presence; that Gabriel was thinking about Sam.

 

Sam knew Gabriel wasn't perfect. He could be stubborn. He became sarcastic to avoid talking about painful topics. Sometimes he didn't take important things seriously. He dwelled too much on what other people thought of him.

 

But all that was easily overshadowed by Gabriel singing into a spatula, serenading Sam with Asia's _Heat of the Moment_ after they closed the café. By how he pulled Sam into a slow dance during the gentle love song that followed. It didn't matter that Sam didn't know what to do with his feet; he laughed with Gabriel at his own clumsiness and enjoyed holding Gabriel close in his arms, Gabriel's head on his chest. He was nearly overwhelmed with the amount of adoration in Gabriel's whisky-colored eyes when Gabriel looked up at him. Gabriel wasn't perfect; Sam knew he himself definitely wasn't perfect; but what they had was _right_. 

 

Gabriel and Sam limited overt PDA while working at _Expressoself!_ , but Castiel (ever-observant) had noticed the way Sam and Gabriel had started sharing personal space. Castiel had offered his congratulations with a wane smile. _Man, he's_ still _moping. What did Dean_ do _?_

 

Gabriel had been spared from the awkwardness of telling his brother about his and Sam's budding relationship. Sam, on the other hand, did not have the convenience of having a brother who worked in the same café (or, evidently, one had an ounce of emotional intelligence, for that matter). He figured it was only fair that he give Dean a phone call.

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Sam tried to get as comfortable as possible on his couch and to calm his heartrate. He wasn't embarrassed of Gabriel - certainly not. Gabriel was funny, lighthearted, energetic, smart, determined, and caring. He even came in a cute, fun-sized package. Nevertheless, he didn't look forward to Dean's interrogation and teasing. Dean always had a way of tying both Sam's tongue and stomach in knots. It was like a big-brother superpower or something.

 

Deciding to rip the Bandaid off, Sam pressed 'call' before he could convince himself to procrastinate any longer.

 

_"Sammy! What's up?"_

 

"Hi Dean," Sam tried to sound cheerful and nonchalant. "Just wanted to… ya know, check in. How're you doing?"

 

_"Bullshit,"_ Dean said immediately. _"You never call me, let alone to just 'check in.' What's going on?"_

 

The words Sam had rehearsed in his mind escaped him. "Uhh," Sam said intelligently.

 

_"SAM!"_

 

"Well, I just thought you should know… Gabriel and I are dating. Each other." Sam grimaced.

 

_"Seriously? That's what you wanted to tell me? I thought you were like, in jail and I was your only phone call."_

 

"Like I do anything exciting enough to land me in jail, Dean," Sam rolled his eyes.

 

_"Well, I keep holding out hope for you. What's Gabriel's number? I need to threaten him."_

 

"Dean," Sam admonished even as he smiled.

 

_"Seriously though dude, that's cool. I'm happy for you."_

 

"Thanks Dean," Sam said softly. Thinking Dean might be in a receptive mood, he continued, "I mean, it might seem like we're moving a bit fast emotionally, because we just started dating but we're already really close, but we've known each other for months, you know? And that whole time we talked a lot, and frequently. About pretty deep stuff."

 

_"Oookay. I literally don't care. As long as you're being smart about it."_

 

"Yeah, yeah. I will be. Jerk." So much for talking about feelings with Dean.

 

_"Bitch."_

 

Sam was about to hang up the phone when he heard Dean's voice again. _"Sam?"_

 

"Yeah?"

 

_"How did you know that you wanted to… be with Gabriel."_

 

Sam frowned. Hadn't they been over this already? "Well, he's smart, and witty. He's non-judgemental, and --"

 

_"No, like,_ get with him _. You know?"_

 

Sam restrained himself from telling Dean to _use his words._ For some reason this was important to Dean, and snapping at him would only make Dean clam up. "Do you mean, when did I become sexually attracted to Gabriel?" Sam asked slowly.

 

There was silence on the phone for a few seconds. _"Yeah,"_ a voice much smaller than Dean's normal one answered.

 

Sam took a deep breath. This was really not a conversation he particularly wanted to be having with his brother, but he had a feeling Dean was working through some… issues. "Well," Sam began. "The attraction wasn't there when I first met him, but I have become more physically attracted to Gabriel as time went on and I got more comfortable with him. But we haven't become very… intimate yet." Sam closed his eyes and prayed that Dean wouldn't ask for any more details.

 

_"Ok. Cool. I'll talk to you later,"_ With that, Dean hung up.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dean

 

Dean was happy for Sam. He really was. Sam and Gabriel were probably doing disgusting _cute_ couple things this very moment, like feeding each other off of the same plate, holding hands in public, declaring their undying love, or having sweet and slow sex. Dean shuddered at this last thought.

 

Dean was so happy he went and got himself a beer.

 

Sam was doing disgusting cute couple things with his boyfriend ( _it felt weird to think that word. Boyfriend. That would take some getting used to)_ because Sam didn't say stupid things to drive everyone he cared about away. Sam deserved all the disgusting cute couple-ness; Dean didn't.

 

Dean wanted someone to talk to when he got home; someone who liked him for more than just a couple of witty quips and company for a bar crawl; someone to actually show him some physical affection that wasn't just for the purpose of sex. Like Cas had tried to.

 

_UGH why can't I stop thinking about him_?! Cas's blue eyes. His mussed hair. His full lips. The way he made Dean feel accepted, even though Dean was a mechanic and Cas was a genius studying to be an entomologist.

 

Dean rested his head in his hands. He _hadn't_ been ready for Cas to touch him. But now that Cas had… Dean thought he might want him to do it again. And that terrified him. He couldn't think about that. He was _straight_. He was aroused by boobs and curves.  

 

And yet… he liked the way Cas looked. He liked his voice. He liked his intellect. Dean liked Cas in a way that was too far from friendly and platonic for him to be comfortable with. He didn't know _what_ he was feeling. Talking to Sam hadn't even helped (that had been a terrible idea to begin with, anyway); at least Sam actually wanted to bone another guy. That made it much simpler - lust and desire were easy to understand. Dean had never fantasized about having sex with a guy (looking was different than touching, after all). He didn't even really think about Cas in a sexual way. Cas was just… Cas.  Unless he would want Cas in _that_ way after spending more time with him, like Sam did with Gabriel? Dean didn't know what the hell was wrong with him. He felt confused and lost.

 

He only knew that he wanted to see Cas again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In his monologue, Dean says that Sam and Gabriel's relationship is "simpler" because there is physical attraction. This is not representative of my thoughts or meant to invalidate anyone's sexuality. This is merely Dean being petty and frustrated. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :) Let me know what you think about spatula serenades, awkward phone calls, or Dean's Journey of Self Discovery.


	25. The Point

Sam

 

Sam groaned. If he had to send any more transcripts or write another application essay expounding on his alleged accomplishments, he was going to lose his sanity. After nearly four years of undergraduate studies, he had forgotten how terrible it was to apply to schools. This was tedious and daunting.

 

He had discussed the logistics of continuing school and sharing parenting time with Jess; obviously they needed to live nearby each other for the next sixteen years at least in order to both be able to spend time with Mary. Jess was planning on getting a job after she graduated with her bachelor's, and she was willing to be flexible with the location; she could move to wherever Sam was going to school, provided she liked the area and it had job openings. If Jess got her graduate degree, it would be later, once she saved up a bit and Mary was older. However, as a pre-law student, Sam needed to go to graduate school before getting a job in the field. But which school? Assuming he got accepted to any of the colleges he applied to, he would have to move.

 

Unless… 

 

He hadn't originally thought of applying to Stanford's graduate program in law -- he had been considering going somewhere closer to Dean, back in Kansas, or somewhere where rent would be cheaper. Yet… that was before he met Gabriel. He had something (or rather, someone) tying him to this place now. Gabriel certainly wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, having just built his business in this locale.

 

Making his decision, Sam started typing away on one more application essay.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

Sam knew it was time. He knew he wouldn't like it. He knew it would be messy and costly. He knew he'd soon regret his decision.

 

"Gabriel, do you want to come help Mary and I pick out a tree?"

 

Gabe had been closing in the early afternoon on a Saturday due to the café's new winter hours when Sam walked in with Mary. Gabriel's face lit up and he clapped his hands like a small child. "Are you serious _? Of course_ I want to pick out a tree!" Gabe darted into the back of the café where he continued to finish cleaning the store. His voice echoed out to the lobby. "This is like, the best day of my life!" Gabriel reappeared, untying his apron and flinging it onto the coatrack. "C'mon, pumpkin pie!" Gabriel scooped up Mary and spun her around. Mary squealed with laughter. Gabriel grabbed Sam's hand and dragged him out of the store. Sam wasn't sure he had ever seen Gabriel so energetic. _He really does get into this holiday stuff._

 

"This will be the first year Mary will have a Christmas tree," Sam mentioned as they walked, each holding one of Mary's hands.

 

" _What?!"_ Gabriel shrieked. "You didn't have a tree last year? You've been depriving your child, Sam. Or should I say, Scrooge."

 

Sam shrugged sheepishly. He didn't want to admit that he had skipped out on the tree tradition because he didn't want to be constantly sweeping up pine needles from what was then his and Jess's apartment. He had considered getting a fake tree, but if there wasn't the fresh pine scent, why bother? He wasn't sure what the point was of getting a tree anyway. The tree was expensive, time-consuming to clean up after, and then was thrown out within a couple weeks.

 

Yet, after they had driven to the tree farm and he was following Gabriel as he bounded through the rows of trees, searching for the perfect one _("It can't be too squat, Sam. But not super skinny, either. A nicely proportioned tree. Six feet at least. Like you."),_ he thought he might have missed the point altogether.

 

He realized he had _definitely_ missed the point when he watched Gabriel decorate the tree later.

 

After about an hour of searching (at which point they were all shivering) Gabriel had picked out an eight-foot tall pine that satisfied all of his qualifications. Sam had tried to argue, saying there was no way that was going to fit in his tiny apartment. Gabriel insisted that this was the _perfect_ tree, so it could just go in his apartment instead. Gabriel then proceeded to gleefully pay, despite Sam insisting that they split the cost. "It is going in my home, after all," Gabriel reminded. "You'll just have to come over to enjoy it." 

 

So now they were in Gabriel's apartment. The sweet and sharp scent of pine clung to the air, and Christmas music played from Gabriel's radio ( _"You can't_ not _have Christmas music while decorating the tree, Sam."_ ) Gabriel hummed along absentmindedly. Sam enjoyed his rich voice; it was strangely comforting.

 

 The tree was now covered in so many multicolored lights, Sam thought it was probably a fire hazard. Mary was digging in Gabriel's container of Christmas decorations and handing ornaments to Gabriel. Max was trotting between Sam, Mary, and Gabriel, doing his best to lick whatever skin was available.  Sam split his time between preventing Mary from ingesting tinsel or whatever else Gabriel had stuffed deep in the box, and watching Gabriel.

 

Gabriel pursed his lips as he carefully placed each ornament. Round ornaments, snowflakes, a small R2D2 and Harry Potter replica. Sam watched him while he concentrated. He liked seeing Gabriel like this, when Gabriel didn't know he was being watched. The soft glow of the tree illuminated Gabriel's eyelashes and the blond stubble on his cheeks. The light caught his hair, making it look like a halo. Sam snorted to himself. Gabriel was far from a holy, chaste, divine being. _Yet he definitely is an angel,_ Sam thought dreamily.

 

Once they had reached the bottom of the box, Gabriel dusted his hands off, and all three of them moved back to admire the tree. Sam began to laugh. At first it was a giggle, but with one look at Gabriel's face, his sides were heaving and he was gasping for breath.

 

There was a very distinct lack of ornaments near the top of the tree. The star that was supposed to be the tree topper was placed precariously on a limb about a foot from the top.

 

"Shut up." Gabriel glared. Sam bit his lip, trying to contain his laughter.

 

Sam and Gabriel lingered for a few minutes, admiring the tree in comfortable silence, listening to the music drifting from the radio. Eventually Mary began conspiring with Max to attempt to pull the ornaments off the lower branches, so Sam picked her up. It was time to return to his apartment, which now seemed cold and bare compared to Gabriel's. 

 

"You know, I've never really done this before," Sam said quietly. "This was fun," he smiled at Gabriel.

 

"Pleasure was all mine, kiddo." Gabriel looked at Sam tenderly. Sam, knowing his face was probably betraying his emotion, quickly pulled Gabriel into a one-armed hug.

 

"Thank you, Gabe."

 

They remained like that for a moment, Sam feeling Gabriel's breath ghosting at his shoulder, the rise and fall of his chest against Sam's. Eventually Mary began to squirm in Sam's other arm, and they broke apart.

 

"Hey Gabe?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"What's the Spanish phrase for 'Christmas tree?'"

 

\----------------------------------------------

 

Dean

 

His apartment was so goddamned quiet.

 

_Had it always been like this?_ It reminded him of when Sam had moved out to go to Stanford. That had been years ago, and he had been alone aside from the occasional fling since then. So why was the quietness bothering him again now?

 

_You know why,_ a voice in his head whispered. _Cas._

 

Dean told that voice to kindly shut the hell up.

 

He could admit that he felt… something for Cas. Something that pushed at, but didn't quite cross, the boundaries of desire and affection. Something that hinted at romance. _Have I always been like this? Ridiculous and sappy and pathetic?_ Dean didn't know. Sure, he liked the look of some guys. If he was drunk enough, he might even admit he wanted to touch some of them - but his imagination didn't take him much farther than that. Yet with Cas… he could imagine dates and conversations. Cas looked like something out of a painting, but Dean wasn't taken by the desire to fuck him (or to be fucked? _Not even going there right now_ ), like he would with a woman. A woman, he could have casual sex with. Really good, non-committal, completely casual sex. With Cas… he just wanted to spend time with Cas. It was as if a week and a half had given him a small taste of what he could have. Dean wanted more, of whatever it was that he had had when he and Cas were talking and Cas was standing a breath too close.


	26. Shooting Stars

Dean

 

He couldn’t endure it anymore.

 

This was an incredibly stupid idea. And a completely terrifying one. Oh sure, he could give logical explanations, but that didn't change the fact that this was spontaneous and probably bordering on lunacy. Then again, nothing changed the fact that it felt right, either.

 

Dean set his jaw in determination, powered on his computer, and began clicking furiously.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel was sitting on his couch, petting Max and basking in the light of the Christmas tree, refreshing himself on the difference between a meteor, a meteoroid, and a meteorite.

 

_Sam is such a nerd._ Gabriel felt a rush of affection for his boyfriend. _Boyfriend._ Gabriel smiled contentedly before realizing he hadn't really clarified that point with Sam. _We are boyfriends, right? Dating exclusively, seeking a serious relationship, and all that jazz?_ Anxiety began worming its way into Gabriel's belly. He sighed and attempted to reassure himself. Sam hadn't indicated any desire in moving beyond snuggling, hand-holding, and hugs, so at least he knew Sam wasn't just looking for a quick roll in the hay. _And if he was, he wouldn't pick you._ Gabriel tried to squash down the negative thoughts. His stomach was still soft, but he no longer felt embarrassed by how his pudge rolled out over his jeans. He actually felt pretty great, actually - more energetic than when he was eating crap or not eating at all. _What if Sam only wants you now that you've lost weight?_ Gabriel really wanted this stupid voice to stop giving him bad ideas. _If Sam wanted me to lose weight, he would have just left me alone when I was only eating a granola bar for breakfast and barely any dinner! I was losing more weight then._ He snarled back at himself.

 

Max looked at him. _I really hope I haven't been saying this out loud._

 

Gabriel took a calming breath. Sam had invited him on a romantic date, and he wasn't going to screw it up with his negative self-image and pernicious doubts. Tomorrow night they were going stargazing with a guided tour from Stanford. Not only did the forecast call for clear sky, but the Geminid meteor shower was supposed to be peaking that night.

 

Gabriel knew staying up late when he had to be baking at 5am the next morning would result in exhaustion, but how could he say no to Sam when Sam was so excited? He didn’t think Sam knew how early he came in, anyway. Sam himself was scheduled in at 8am - that was the earliest he could have Mary dropped off to Jess.

 

_Well, at least when we're together I won't have to worry about having to adjust to waking up early with a kid._ Gabriel stiffened with shock. What was he thinking? They had been dating for less than two weeks and he was already thinking about spending his life with Sam. Though, if he was being honest, he had loved Sam for months, but he had kept his feelings squelched down, so much so that they were unrecognizable to even him, sure they would never be returned. Gabriel knew he always loved to quickly and too easily - that was how he got hurt. But Sam… Sam was taking it slow with him. He had been allowing Sam to set the pace, and Sam seemed to know what they both needed even better than Gabriel did. Sam was taking care of them both, and Gabriel trusted Sam with his heart.

 

Now, he just needed to tell Sam that. At some point. Probably.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

_Gabriel: How about this one?_

 

_Cas: I hope you recognize the irony of asking me for fashion advice._

 

_Gabriel: What can I say, I'm desperate. Now help._

 

_Cas: the blue one_

 

Gabriel wound the blue scarf around his neck.

 

_Gabriel: hat or no hat?_

 

_Cas: u will be cold without one._

_Cas: like a bee in winter_

_Cas: "bee" cold_

_Cas: It's a pun._

 

Gabriel sighed. Cas was always so logical. He would rather his ears not get cold, of course, but what if for some reason he had to take the hat off after the observing session and he had hat hair? Gabriel decided to shove a hat in his coat pocket, and only wear it if absolutely necessary.

 

He sent a quick text back to Cassie, deciding to humor his little brother since he had been rather mopey lately. He would have bothered him more about it if he wasn't always thinking about Sam. Castiel was an adult; he could handle himself and he would talk to Gabriel if he wanted to.

 

_Gabriel: Lol :)_

 

A knock sounded at his door. Gabriel's heartbeat quickened and his stomach made a small leap. He quickly grabbed his jacket then opened the door to where Sam was waiting.

 

During the drive, Sam rambled on about comets and the origins of meteors ( _or was it meteoroids?_ ). Gabriel loved watching Sam when he was passionate about something. That kid could swing a jury with enthusiasm alone. Sam used his hands when he talked, bumping Gabriel on the shoulder several times as he did so in a familiar gesture. Gabriel wished he had paid more attention in his general education science classes. _How does Sam know so much about everything? Science, literature, law… He's like a knowledge sponge._ Gabriel would have been jealous had he not been so proud. He was glad Sam was ok with small gestures of affection in public, because he wanted everyone to know that Sam Winchester was _his_.

 

Sure enough, several of the college girls in their observing group were eying Sam up and down. Gabriel cuddled into Sam's side and put an arm around his waist. Sam immediately put his arm around Gabriel's shoulders, and Gabriel smirked smugly. _That's right ladies, this fine piece of ass is all mine._ Well, Gabriel hadn't even touched Sam's ass yet, but the gist was the same.

 

They were in a field a little ways off campus, in an attempt to decrease the light pollution for their viewing session. It was dark enough that Gabriel could only see outlines of people from the light of the crescent moon. The tour guide began pointing out what she called 'circumpolar constellations' - ones that were always visible in the northern hemisphere: Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Cepheus, Cassiopeia. Gabriel tried to visualize what life was like when these patterns were first named, when stories were told about the shapes and passed down through oral tradition over the generations. The guide told them about the Cas A supernova remnant, Tycho's Nova, and Polaris. Gabriel soon became oversaturated with information, but even in the dim light he could tell Sam was listening with laser-like focus. Gabriel hoped he could get Sam to re-explain how a supernova remnant formed after this observing session without sounding too dumb.

 

"As it gets darker, we should be able to see a few meteors. We're pretty close to the peak of the shower, and the Geminids can reach up to 100 meteors per hour!" Gabriel perked up. He had seen maybe a couple shooting stars in his lifetime - probably because he never bothered researching when the best times to see them were. "So without further ado, I'll stop talking and let you guys watch! Let me know if you have any questions," the guide said.

 

Gabriel held onto Sam's hand as he craned his neck back, watching with bated breath. For several minutes, they didn't see anything as the sky gradually darkened. Then finally, a streak of light appeared across the sky.

 

"Sam!" Gabriel squealed and slapped his shoulder.

 

"I saw it," Gabriel could hear the smile in Sam's voice.

 

"Shh!" One of the other observers hissed. Gabriel could sense Sam's bitchface. He squeezed Sam's hand in reassurance. He was used to people telling him to shut up. His parents, his brothers, his teachers, even Balthazar and his friends. Sam had never told him to shut up. Sure, he knew Sam could sometimes become exasperated with him, but he never lashed out. For the most part, Sam smiled at his antics and patiently listened to him talk, even when Gabriel was just excited about the new Google logo or a recipe he wanted to try. Sam made Gabriel feel valued and respected. Gabriel hoped that never changed. He hoped Sam never grew tired of him, never decided that he simply didn't want to tolerate Gabriel anymore. Yet, right now that didn't matter. _You can't always worry about what might happen._ Anyway, Sam seemed like the type of person who, when he would inevitably get frustrated with Gabriel, would sit them both down and have a calm discussion about the human limitations of patience, instead of storming out. So Gabriel was thankful for Sam, in this moment, and hopefully in the future, standing next to him and staring up at the stars.

 

They stood in quiet wonder as more meteors shot across the sky. Gabriel's ears began to get cold, and he begrudgingly pulled on his hat. Gradually, their fellow stargazers drifted away, and eventually even the guide left. It was only then that Sam seemed comfortable breaking the silence.

 

"Wanna lay down? My neck is seriously starting to hurt."

 

Gabriel nudged Sam's side. "If you wanted to get me horizontal, Sam, you don't need to blame your neck." _Gabriel, why are you like this._

 

Sam just scoffed, but Gabriel could tell there was no heat to it. "C'mere." Sam tugged on Gabriel's coat sleeve as he sat down. Gabriel laid down next to him, Sam's arm under his neck. The grass was cold against his jeans and the ground was hard, but Gabriel could care less. They continued watching the shooting stars for a few minutes, until Sam began talking again. 

 

"It's amazing how many stars there are. About 200 billion in the Milky Way. And then scientists estimate that there are 200 billion galaxies. It's crazy." Sam paused. "How often do you wonder if we're alone?"

 

Gabriel could see Sam's eyes glinting in the darkness, reflecting the small amount of light from the moon. He could barely make out the shadow of his face, but after spending so much time with him, he could hazard a good guess as to what expression he was making. Eyes wide and eyebrows raised as he waited for Gabriel's response. Gabriel could have postulated on the likelihood of extraterrestrial life, but instead he merely said,

 

"I don't. I know I'm not alone."

 

"Really?" Sam shifted to prop himself up on one elbow and face Gabriel. "I mean, there's the Drake Equation and everything, but there's still a lot of uncertainty with that," Gabriel could hear the confusion in Sam's voice.  They were talking about two completely different things. Gabriel mirrored Sam's pose.

 

"I know I'm not alone," Gabriel repeated assuredly, as if that clarified. His heart began to pound. _I need to tell him._ He had been letting Sam lead in their relationship. While that allowed Sam to control the pace for his comfort, it also allowed Gabriel to avoid being vulnerable. He didn't like being afraid; he didn't like taking risks. But this? The idea of losing Sam because he kept quiet was more frightening than being hurt by being vulnerable ever would be. He needed to be courageous.

 

He could see the shadow of Sam's head tilt in question, and he heard the inhale as Sam prepared to continue to prize an answer out of Gabriel. He spoke before Sam could and before he could lose his nerve.

 

"I don't wonder about aliens out there, because frankly, it doesn't matter to me anymore. My mind is only on one person. I know I'm not alone. I have you, Sam." Gabriel paused. His heart was in his throat and he couldn't breathe. "I love you."

 

Sam's shadowy outline was perfectly still and perfectly silent. Gabriel now knew he was wrong about knowing what expression Sam was making. He wished he could see Sam's face. He wanted some warning if Sam was going to reject him so that he would have time to compose himself.

 

Then Sam was leaning over him, and he was kissing Gabriel. Desperately and hard, moving his lips against Gabriel's while Gabriel remained completely frozen in shock. Only when Sam's tongue licked across Gabriel's lower lip did Gabriel get with the program and reciprocate. He leaned into Sam, tasting him, sharing his space, breathing his air. Sam's mouth was warm and Gabriel wanted to map it with his tongue. Sam was only darting his tongue out to meet the tip of Gabriel's and to trace Gabriel's lips, so Gabriel refrained from deepening the kiss too much. The kiss was still uncoordinated, messy, but Gabriel didn't care. He was filled with excitement and elation, because _Sam is kissing me_ and neither of them were alone.

 

Half of Sam's body was now laying on Gabriel's (which was not helping Gabriel's breathlessness) and Sam's hands were running into Gabriel's hair. The hat was long-gone at this point. Gabriel smiled into the kiss. _Guess I didn't need to worry about hat hair._ With that, the kiss became less frantic, and more slow. Sam broke off briefly to kiss the corner of Gabriel's mouth and suck at his bottom lip, then slotted their lips back together more gently. Gabriel tentatively deepened the kiss and Sam softly moaned. Gabriel, finally regaining control of some of his limbs, curved a hand around the back of Sam's neck and rubbed small circles there with his thumb.

 

Sam eventually pulled back and rested their foreheads together. Gabriel couldn't see him except for the reflections of his eyes and teeth, but he could feel his heat, could feel the dampness from his breath, hear his breathing. He brought his hands to either side of Sam's face and ran his thumbs over his cheekbones.

 

"Sorry," Sam said breathlessly. "You literally made me speechless there."

 

"I'll take that as a compliment," Gabriel giggled.

 

"No, not with the kiss," Sam pecked him on the nose. "With your declaration of love in the midst of my philosophizing about the existence of extraterrestrial life. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't _speak_ , " Sam proceeded to kiss his forehead, then place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I love you too, Gabriel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: restrains self from blabbering on about astronomy 
> 
> Here, have some fluff :) 
> 
>  
> 
> What is Dean doing? Thoughts about the date? Will Cas ever learn to make a pun? Let me know what you think :)


	27. I Believe In Christmas Miracles

Sam

Sam daydreamed happily. Lately all he could think about was the feeling of Gabriel's lips on his. It was interesting - so different from kissing Jess. Gabriel's lips weren't plush and soft like Jess's; his jaw was hard lines where Jess's had been smooth curves. Feeling Gabriel's stubble had been a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. The sensation was electrifying. All this told Sam that he was kissing a _man_ for the first time. It was new, and exciting, and Sam liked it. Gabriel chased each kiss with adoration and enthusiasm. Since the night of stargazing, they had exchanged quick pecks in the morning and during their lunch breaks, and slow, lazy kisses after they closed the café or when Gabriel came over to make dinner at Sam's apartment. Each kiss made Sam feel loved.

 

_Gabriel loves me!_ Sam thought blissfully. Of course, they still would have to figure out how to make time for each other when Sam's classes resumed, and where Sam was doing his graduate studies; but for now, knowing that they were in love was enough.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel's alarm began blaring and he jolted awake. He turned off the alarm and began to snuggle back under the covers before he remembered.

 

_Christmas!_

 

Gabriel leapt out of bed like someone many years his junior. Max followed, nails clacking on the floor as he miscalculated his speed and went skidding sideways into a wall. The terrier quickly corrected course and followed Gabriel as he ran into the kitchen, sliding in his socks across the laminate floor.

 

He had to get started on his cooking and some last minute cleaning. Cas and Sam were both coming over for lunch and everything had to be _perfect_. His relationship with Sam was new, after all, and he had to make a good impression. Not that he wouldn't want to make Sam's Christmas perfect every year, but he'd start with this one and see how long Sam could stand him.

 

First the sugar cookies went into the oven. Next a casserole. Finally the chicken parmesan in spaghetti squash. Gabriel left the last two in the oven as it cooled so they remained warm while he tidied up his apartment and got dressed. Normally he would wear a sweater, but he thought he had noticed Sam eyeing him more in his less-bulky T-shirts. He compromised and pulled on a red shirt, with a gray sweater that he left unbuttoned, and added a scarf. He thought the scarf might look a bit preppy, but hey. _It's Christmas. I'm allowed to wear some winter fashion for the sake of being festive._

 

Ever since his first kiss with Sam, Gabriel had been wearing his hair with little or no gel holding it back. His hair now sometimes flopped over his eyes, and most of the time he kept it tucked behind his ears. Sam had yet to comment on its appearance, but if the way he ran his fingers through it every time they kissed was any measure, he approved. Getting fingers sticky with hair gel could really put a damper on the mood, after all.

 

Gabriel set the table and removed the food from the oven just as Sam, Mary, and Cas arrived. Sam was in a green sweater ( _why do sweaters look hot as hell on him and make me look like an old professor?_ ); Castiel was in his typical button up, tie, and trenchcoat. _I hope he doesn't insist on wearing that all the way through lunch this time._ Fortunately Cas handed over the coat when Sam offered to hang it up for him ( _I'm dating a perfect gentleman_ ). Gabriel took the gifts they had brought and placed them under the tree.

 

Gabriel got everyone seated at the table and they started eating. "This is delicious, Gabe," Sam said around a mouthful of chicken parmesan and squash. Gabriel puffed up in pride. If Sam couldn’t even take time to chew and swallow before complimenting (like he normally did), it must be good. Gabriel beamed. Even Mary (who was seated on Sam's lap and was sharing his plate) was eating the squash, and she was normally picky about eating vegetables.

 

 Castiel nodded his approval with his typical unsettling stare. "Thank you, Gabriel."

 

"No problem. It's a pleasure having you all here," Gabriel said earnestly. He ate quickly, excited to get to the next stage of their time together. As soon as Sam put down his fork, Gabriel stood and retrieved the sugar cookies, frosting, and sprinkles.

 

"Decorating time!" he sang.

 

Castiel actually _rolled his eyes_ at him. Cas had definitely been spending too much time with the brothers Winchester. "Gabriel, we're not kids anymore."

 

"Hey, she is," Gabriel pointed at Mary. "And besides, it's fun no matter your age! Am I right, Sam?"

 

Sam's eyes were darting around the cookies and the frosting. "Umm… Well, I've never done this before, so…"

 

Gabriel's heart fell a bit. He knew he didn't have a good relationship with his parents since coming out as gay, but at least he had had a generally positive childhood. Sam hadn’t gotten that. He didn't have a father; just a drunk who had donated sperm for his conception. And Gabriel had a feeling Dean wouldn't have been one for decorating cookies. _Well, now Sam is going to have the opportunity to decorate to his heart's content, goshdarnit!_

 

Ignoring Castiel's complaints, Gabriel passed out plates of cookies to each of them. Mary immediately picked up a spoon out of the bowl of blue frosting and began drizzling it over her and Sam's cookies.

 

"See? Mary knows what to do!" Gabriel said victoriously. "That looks beautiful, sweetheart." he told Mary.

 

Mary pointed to the cookies solemnly. "Blue."

 

"That's right, you are making them blue," Cas surprised Gabriel by answering Mary. "Would you like some green as well?" He pushed the bowl of frosting closest to him over to Mary.

 

Soon, they were all designing cookies. The cookies themselves were quickly disappearing. Gabriel made sure not to eat more than Sam, at least. Mary's cookies looked like a Jackson Pollock painting; Castiel was deep in concentration, using a knife to draw morphologically accurate snowflakes (with six sides) on his cookies. Sam had been hesitant at first, but was soon swirling colors together and topping his cookies with sprinkles. Gabriel was so thankful for this small family he had gained - some by blood, others by choice.

 

Once all the cookies were decorated (though only about half the amount they started with remained, due to their snacking) Gabriel ushered them all out into the living room to gather around the tree he and Sam had decorated. He smiled at the tree fondly. He had spent many evenings basking in its cozy light, replaying the memory of him and Sam and Mary making it beautiful together. Gabriel sat down by the tree and began handing out gifts.

 

Gabriel had gotten a book and a children's puzzle for Mary. Cas gave her a stuffed cow with moony eyes that reminded Gabriel of Castiel himself.

 

Gabriel gave Sam a plush moose (at which Sam rolled his eyes but chuckled) and an Amazon gift card ( _"for textbooks, Samoose!"_ ). For Castiel, he had bought a recipe book ( _cooking runs in the family, after all_ ) and a bug in fossilized amber.

 

Cas and Sam had both gotten each other $25 Barnes & Noble gift cards. Upon opening his, Cas immediately shot Gabriel a gaze full of panic that said, _Error: social feus pas. What do I do in this scenario?  Help!_ Fortunately, Sam just laughed and thanked Cas sincerely while patting him on the shoulder.

 

Sam had purchased _Algorithms to Live By: the Computer Science of Human Decisions_ for Gabriel ( _"Maybe this will help you stop being so indecisive about what we make for dinner, Gabe,"_ Sam had teased. Cas had raised an eyebrow at that, at first looking curious, then glum and… jealous? Gabriel really wasn't sure what was going on with him lately. Castiel gave Gabriel an LL Bean gift card ( _"Because I have noticed that it appears that you have lost your hat."_ ) Gabriel graciously thanked Castiel. His little brother was so attentive. Though, truth be told, Gabriel couldn't care less about having lost his hat sometime during his first kiss with Sam. Priorities.

 

Gabriel and Sam snuggled on the couch ( _Why is Cas still looking at us like that? Does he have the hots for Sam or something? Because if he does, he'd better back the hell off._ ) and Cas sat on the floor next to Mary while she disassembled and assembled her puzzle, and flipped through her book and nibbled on its pages. She kept a tight grip on the stuffed cow, which made Castiel brighten slightly.

 

After they all enjoyed some eggnog while listening to Christmas music, Cas stood.

 

"I'm going to be leaving," he announced.

 

"What? No, Cassie! It's still early!" Gabriel whined.

 

Cas waved him off. "I plan to go to bed early. I have some… work to do first." Gabriel wasn't familiar with the lab Cas worked at, but he was pretty sure they wouldn't assign him anything to do over the holiday outside of business hours. He resolved to ask Cas more about what had been bothering him once Christmas was over, but he'd let him go for now. Maybe Cas had just fulfilled his quota for human interaction for the day.

 

Gabriel gave his brother a hug before he left. "Merry Christmas, Cassie. Take care of yourself."

 

"I will," came the muffled reply from where Cas's face was buried in Gabriel's shoulder, despite their height difference. Cas seemed to linger in the hug a bit, but Gabriel knew better than to tease him for it.

 

Gabriel returned to his position curled up to Sam's side. Mary was entertaining herself playing fetch with Max. Of course, each of her tosses only made it a couple feet, but Max was lazy so he didn't seem to mind. Gabriel turned and pressed a couple of soft kisses to Sam's cheek. Sam kept his eyes on Mary, but he smiled.

 

After a few minutes, Sam began to dislodge Gabriel. "Hey Gabe? I have to put Mary to bed soon. But… if you'd like, you can come over and we can spend more time together once she goes to sleep."

 

_As if that's an offer I can resist._

 

"That sounds great, Sam," Gabriel pressed one last kiss to Sam's lips before they both rose and began cleaning up remnants of wrapping paper and putting on Mary's shoes.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Sam was actually somewhat sad to see Cas go. He had come to think of Cas as a friend -- something he hadn't had in a long time. It was nice to have someone with whom he wasn't romantically involved to talk to; not that he tired of talking to Gabriel, but having Cas (as weird as he was) in his life too added to his social support network.

 

He had just gotten Mary to sleep in her crib when his phone began to ring. Dean. Gabriel came up behind Sam and wrapped his arms around Sam's waist as he answered.

 

"Hi Dean!"

 

_"Heya Sammy. Merry Christmas, dude. And Merry Christmas to your pipsqueak boyfriend, too."_

 

"He knows I can hear him, right?" Gabriel mumbled into the back of Sam's shoulder, rubbing his face on the sweater. Sam chuckled.

 

"You too, Dean. What are you up to?"

 

_"Oh, nothing much,"_ Dean's voice sounded a bit strange. Actually, it also sounded as if there was wind in the background, as if he was driving with the windows down. _Maybe he's making a food run. "Hey, is Cas with you?"_ Dean continued after a moment.

 

"No, he went home." Sam frowned. "Why?"

 

_"Nice. Hey, do you have his address?"_

 

"Umm…" Sam glanced at Gabriel.

 

"Why does he want to know?" Gabriel whispered.

 

"Why?" parroted Sam.

 

_"Because I want to send him a Christmas card."_ Dean's voice dripped with sarcasm.

 

"Just a sec," Sam placed his phone against his chest and looked at Gabriel questioningly.

 

"Dean's… ok, right? I mean, he and Cas spent a lot of time together, right?" Gabriel asked looked mildly concerned. Sam supposed he would have been too, had he not been Dean's brother. 

 

Sam shrugged. "Yeah, he's ok. I mean, maybe he wants to send Cas a gift or something. Probably is trying to get it shipped overnight because he didn't buy it in time," Sam snickered.

 

So Gabriel rattled off the address, which Sam repeated to Dean.

 

_"Thanks. Take care of yourself, Sam. And Gabe? You hurt him, I'll make your life a living hell."_

 

"Got it, Deanosaur!" Gabe chirped into the phone.

 

Sam scoffed. "You too. Goodnight, Dean."

 

Sam hung up the phone and turned to face Gabriel. He pulled him close and they began to rock gently side to side, dancing to silent music.

 

"You look nice, Gabe," Sam told him as he nuzzled his neck.

 

"You look delicious as always, Sammich," Gabriel returned.

 

"Did you just make a pun?"

 

"Of course. It's one of the things you love about me." Gabriel smirked up at Sam.

 

Sam pecked the tip of Gabriel's nose. "It most certainly is."

 

They held each other for a few moments more, then Sam broke the silence. "Hey Gabe?"

 

"Hmm?" Gabriel hummed against his chest.

 

Sam took a breath to calm his nerves. "I actually have something else for you."

 

Gabriel met his eyes. "Sam, you really didn't have to." Then, his smirk turned devious. "Unless my present is you, tied up in a bow."

 

"You wish," Sam snarked back. _I'll keep that in mind for next Christmas._ Sam froze for a moment. _Wait,_ supplied his brain, _are you seriously considering kinky bondage sex as a Christmas present?_ Sam mentally shrugged. Meh. File that away to deal with another day. "Come here," he pulled Gabriel along and seated him on the couch. Sam then dug in one of his desk drawers and produced an envelope, which he handed to Gabriel as he sat down next to him.

 

Gabriel looked at him hesitantly before tearing open the envelope. Out fell two tickets -- for _Don Quixote de la Mancha,_ a play hosted by Stanford University. Performed in Spanish, with English subtitles.

 

Sam watched Gabriel's expression with bated breath. Gabriel looked up at him and grinned, then threw himself onto Sam to hug him.

 

"Thank you! This is awesome!" Gabriel said excitedly. "Wait, do you speak Spanish? Because it would be cool to have someone to talk to."

 

"Umm… unfortunately not," Sam mumbled.

 

Gabriel's eyebrows furrowed. "Well, they don’t always do all the dialogue in the subtitles. Sometimes its just the name of the act or something. I wouldn't want you to be bored during it. Assuming, of course, the second ticket is for you."

 

Sam waved a hand. "Nah, I won't be bored. It's for you, and you speak Spanish, so…"

 

"Well, we'll see how well I do. Tilting at windmills and that sort of thing is outside of the topics I encounter in typical day-to-day conversation." Gabriel paused. "Wait. Did you specifically pick a play in Spanish?"

 

"…Yeah." Sam admitted.

 

"May I ask why?"

 

Sam could feel his face flushing. Damn Gabriel and his intuitiveness.

 

A slow grin began to break across Gabriel's face. "You _like_ when I speak Spanish, don't you?" He leaned in closer to Sam. "It is one of the Romance languages, after all."

 

Sam was just looking at Gabriel with wide eyes. Gabriel smirked.

 

“Te quiero. Te amaré siempre. Si pudiera, te daría el mundo. Ya te he dado mi corazón." _[I want you. I will love you always. If I could, I would give you the world. I have already given you my heart.]_ Gabriel touched his forehead against Sam's. Sam tried to look anywhere elsewhere besides Gabriel's lips.

“Eres guapísimo. Tus ojos brillantes, tu pelo, tus hombros… Quiero besar tus labios.” _[You are so handsome. Your bright eyes, your hair, your shoulders… I want to kiss your lips.]_

Gabriel was now kissing up his neck.

“Quiero acostarte en la cama como un postre para devorar.” _[I want to lay you on the bed like a dessert to devour.]_ Sam was trying to keep his breathing under control as Gabriel's breath ghosted over his ear. _Urgh why is that so hot?_

“Riquísimo. Como una galleta.” _[Delicious. Like a cookie.]_ Gabriel nibbled his ear. He was leaning across Sam's body, his right forearm pinning Sam's left shoulder against the couch. _As if I'm going anywhere._

“Calentar el horno a 350 grados _._ _" [Heat the oven to 350 degrees] Why can I feel Gabriel smiling against my cheek?_ _"_ Anadir el azúcar, el huevo, la harina, y la vainilla y mezclar en un bol. Después, agregar las chispas de chocolate.” _[Add the sugar, the egg, the flour, and the vanilla and mix in a bowl. Afterwards, add the chocolate chips.]_

At "chocolate" Sam pushed Gabriel off of him. Gabriel flopped back on the couch, cackling. _Dammit._

"What were you saying?" _Here I had been hoping it was something romantic._

"Oh, nothing. Your sweetness just reminded me of cookies." Gabriel was still chuckling mirthfully.

Sam huffed and rolled his eyes. "And here I thought we were having a moment." Seeing Gabriel laughing though, he couldn't be too mad. It was such a beautiful sound.

Gabriel took a deep breath and calmed a bit. "We are," he said somewhat more seriously. "I actually have another… well, I think calling it a present would be a bit ambitious -- but I have something for you too."

At that Gabriel stood and pulled two worn pieces of paper from his pocket. "Remember you gave me that poem? Like, months ago?"

Sam nodded. _Of course I remember. At the time, I was so worried about it being a mistake; that you would think I was a freak._

"Well, months ago I found one for you as well. I just… didn't feel ready to share it yet." Gabriel gave Sam a somewhat shaky smile. "Here." He thrust both papers at Sam.

Sam took them. They were creased and stained, and smelled… coppery? "Gabe? Is this what you have been keeping under the cash drawer?"

Gabriel looked up from under his lashes. "Maybe," he said bashfully.

Sam chuckled. One of the papers was "Gabriel," the poem Sam had given to Gabriel. Sam began to read the new poem.

 

**_Silentium Amoris (The Silence of Love)_ **

**_Oscar Wilde_ **

_As oftentimes the too resplendent sun_

_Hurries the pallid and reluctant moon_

_Back to her sombre cave, ere she hath won_

_A single ballad from the nightingale,_

_So doth thy Beauty make my lips to fail,_

_And all my sweetest singing out of tune._

_And as at dawn across the level mead_

_On wings impetuous some wind will come,_

_And with its too harsh kisses break the reed_

_Which was its only instrument of song,_

_So my too stormy passions work me wrong,_

_And for excess of Love my Love is dumb._

_But surely unto Thee mine eyes did show_

_Why I am silent, and my lute unstrung;_

_Else it were better we should part, and go,_

_Thou to some lips of sweeter melody,_

_And I to nurse the barren memory_

_Of unkissed kisses, and songs never sung._

 

Sam's mouth hung open. "Gabe… This is beautiful. This made you think of me?"

 

Gabriel had his hands folded in his lap, looking uncharacteristically demure. "I never knew what to say to you. I just always hoped that somehow you would be able to tell that I liked you. Loved you, even. Even if I could never find the words. There still aren't words." A small smile quirked Gabriel's mouth. "I may or may not have been in love with you for awhile now."

 

Sam looked at his boyfriend in awe. Words escaped him, too. _Wilde really is right._ "I love you too," he at last choked out. He pulled Gabriel into a kiss, one hand resting on his cheek and the other on the back of his neck. Gabriel kissed him back enthusiastically, bunched his hands in Sam's sweater, and pulled him down on top of him as he leaned back on the couch.

 

"You'd better not stretch this sweater out."

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean

 

Words could not describe what a bad idea this was. Not to mention seriously creepy and stalker-ish.

 

The Impala grumbled to a halt outside the apartment complex. _Well, I've come this far. Might as well see it through._

 

Dean found the ground floor apartment. He stood outside the door under the orange glow of a street lamp. _Can't believe they let him just go home alone on Christmas. Though, that's rich, coming from the guy who spent the entire day alone, driving._ A thought suddenly occurred to Dean. _Is he alone?_ Dean pressed his ear to the door. Silence -- nothing that would indicate any… extracurricular activities taking place.

 

Dean raised his hand to knock. _Came all this way, don't chicken out now._ But it was late - around 9 PM. Who takes visitors at that time? Knowing him, he was probably asleep already. Dean could always come back tomorrow, after he had had a nice cup of coffee and a shower and didn't smell like leather and road food. He turned to return to the Impala.

 

"Hello, Dean."

 

Dean jumped and his heart nearly stopped.

 

There he was. Cas, in all his glory. Trenchcoat flapping in the breeze. Windswept hair. Blue tie twisted backwards. Eyes that were still so blue even in the dim light of the streetlamp.

 

"What are you doing here?" Cas had his head tilted to one side.

 

"Ah. Um. Hey, whatcha got there?" Dean indicated the mess of papers Cas had clutched in his hand, with more spilling out of his briefcase.

 

Cas examined the papers he was holding, as if he had forgotten them. "Oh. I picked up some research from the lab. I have found a … need to keep busy these days." With that, Castiel began to brush past him and unlock his door. He was about to step inside when Dean clapped a hand on his shoulder.

 

"Cas, I --"

 

And now those blue eyes were locked onto his, papers scattered in the doorway of the apartment. Cas looked angry but also melancholy _. Since when have I been so good at reading his emotions?_

 

Dean cleared his throat. "I just… wanted to wish you happy holidays?"

 

Cas raised his eyebrows. "A phone call would have been sufficient to say that, Dean. But you have apparently misplaced my number." He began to close the door.

 

"Wait!" Dean caught the door before it could snap shut. _Fuck it._ "I… I don't know what we have here. I wish I did. I guess I want to figure it out. And I'm scared." Dean took a deep breath and swallowed. "I don't know what I'm feeling. All I know is that you feel like home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look! More Spanish.  
> Brain late at night: You know what would be a great idea?  
> Me: What?  
> Brain: Let's write some awkward flirty stuff in a language we don't speak fluently. Sounds awesome, amirite?  
> Me: Brain, no.  
> Brain: Brain, yes. 
> 
> So, to my wonderful Spanish-speaking reader, Tony: let me know of any errors :D 
> 
> Also, can I say I love Oscar Wilde?
> 
> But besides that... enjoy some Christmas fluffiness :)


	28. New Year, New Roommate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of John Winchester's alcoholism and neglect; Sam displays symptoms of PTSD; Gabriel struggles with body image issues. 
> 
> The ending is cute though :)

Sam

 

"You _WHAT?_ "

 

_"Chill out, Sam. It makes sense."_

 

Sam rubbed his forehead. "No, it really doesn't, Dean."

 

_"Sure it does. I'll be closer to you and Mary. It's not like I had anything in Kansas."_

 

"You had a job! And an apartment!" Sam struggled to lower the volume of his voice.

 

_"Yeah, and now I have a new job. They did the interview over the phone! Isn't that crazy? Did they used to do that, or is it a recent thing?"_

 

"You're changing the subject, Dean."

 

_"I was getting to it! Anyway, I'm looking for an apartment. I'll just need a couple weeks."_

 

_You've got to be kidding me._ "And I suppose you want me to put you up."

 

_"Well, I could stay in a hotel, but I'd rather not spend the money."_

 

Sam took a long breath through his nose. "Ok. Ok."

 

_"Great! Thanks, bro. I'll by an air mattress after work, then swing by this evening."_

 

"See you then!" Sam said tightly.

 

Sam threw his phone down on the couch and began to pace. _Has Dean lost his mind?_ Dean had quit his job, didn't renew the lease on his apartment, donated almost all of his stuff, got a new job at _Singer's Auto_ , and was now moving to Palo Alto. And he wouldn't tell Sam why.

 

Sure, it made sense that he would like to be closer to Sam and Mary -- it had to be lonely out there in Kansas with no family around, after all; but why now? Mary was nearly two years old. Why not move shortly after she was born? Or after Sam broke up with Jess?

 

_I hope he hasn't knocked up some girl back in Kansas. Or is on the run from the law._

 ---------------------------------------------------

Dean

 

He wished he had taken some ibuprofen before coming into work. Sleeping on Cas's couch had not done any favors for his back.

 

His new boss, Bobby, had not seemed particularly pleased to see him when he had come in.

 

"So you're the new guy Garth hired without my permission," he had said flatly.

 

"Erm. Yes sir?" Dean had been praying to anyone who was listening that he didn't get let go before even starting. That would really put a damper on his move. Who would want to oppose Bobby, anyway? The guy was a bit intimidating. _This 'Garth''s idiocy must rival my own._

 

"He hired you because you - and I quote - 'sounded nice on the phone'." Bobby had scoffed, as if sounding nice was a personal offense.

 

Dean wasn't sure whether he should say thank you or apologize.

 

Bobby continued. "But, since you're here… Guess I might as well put you to work."

 

So now Dean was repairing a faulty transmission, as Bobby watched with something akin to approval.

 

Sam had taken the news about as well as he had expected; especially since he called early in the morning, likely before Sam had had his coffee. Or before he could have Gabriel make him coffee.

 

Dean felt a sort of smug satisfaction that Cas had made him coffee and had been flipping pancakes while Sam (in a pre-caffeine funk) yelled at him. _Who even makes pancakes on a weekday? And then eats them with copious amounts of honey?_ Though, after tasting the honey, Dean could understand why. It was delicious. Cas had explained that he had collected it himself from 'his hives' -- rather, the hives on Stanford's campus that he tended, and that evidently no one else was going to take responsibility for. And just like that, the frostiness that had encased Cas's manner (rightfully so; since Dean had been avoiding the guy ever since he left, not knowing what to say if he did call him) melted away. Cas even agreed with him that the phone interview had been weird - unlike Sam, who hadn't been preoccupied at all with that issue.

 

Dean smiled down at the broken pieces and grease and grime.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

He knew Dean was trying to stay out of his way. He had been uncharacteristically quiet and cordial, only taking up a small portion of his living room with his bag and air mattress. He helped with Mary, did his own dishes, and cleaned.

 

He was driving Sam insane.

 

Sure, he and Dean had lived together for years, but now Sam was well-accustomed to having his own space. What could he say? He was an introvert, and suddenly sharing a home with Dean again was draining. Even if Dean was trying to hide it, his maternal instincts were still strong, and he _hovered_ like nobody's business. Sam hoped Dean would find an apartment soon - but of course Dean wanted to wait until he had his first paycheck, make sure he was getting enough hours at work and that his boss actually wanted to keep him, before deciding on a price range for an apartment.

 

Sam groaned. _New Year's resolution: do not maim or kill Dean._

 

He only had to make it a few more days until the New Year's party at Gabriel's. It would be small - just Gabriel, Dean, Cas, and Sam (Mary would be with Jess)-- but  hopefully enough to direct Dean's attention to other people and to distract Sam.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

He was wrong. This was worse.

 

If anything, Dean was watching him _more_ because he hadn't had anything more than a Screwdriver (which he sipped slowly). How Dean was still so focused on him when he had already drank so many beers and Sex on the Beaches and who knows what else was beyond Sam. In fact, he seemed to be keeping an eye on Cas too -- who was calmly sipping a glass of wine. _Maybe Dean just has a thing against non-alcoholics._

 

Sam sat in an armchair next to Cas.

 

"They get along well, don't they?" Cas commented.

 

Sam looked at Dean and Gabriel. Sam supposed they did. _At least that's going well._ Cas and Dean seemed to be getting along now, too. After Dean had done the requisite glaring and threatening, he had begun joking with Gabriel. And drinking all his alcohol. Both Dean and Gabriel were both a bit tipsy, at this point. Gabriel was giggling and his cheeks were rosy. Dean refilled his drink and they toasted each other.

 

Sam wanted to enjoy this picture of Gabriel. He was so cute, and happy. But there was a cloying smell of beer and liquor, and the music was just a touch too loud, and all Sam could think about was times when he still lived with Dean and John, and beer bottles littered the floor in his dad's room and the smell lingered even after John left, leaving him and Dean alone for days or weeks. His heart began to beat erratically and his chest felt tight.

 

"I'm…. Gonna go get some air." Sam said quickly to Castiel, then left.

 

Sam sat on the steps outside Gabriel's apartment. The cold started to seep into his bones, but the air was fresh and the night was (mostly) quiet. He could hear music drifting through the air, but it was distant. Sam sighed. He knew Gabriel and Dean were being responsible: he and Cas could be designated drivers, Gabriel was at his own home, and it wasn't like either of them were going to get drugged. Gabriel was an adult who could make his own decisions.

 

Sam forced himself to breathe. _In. Out. Don't worry, he's not dad. He's not a drunk. He has a stable job and he's healthy. He's not going to hit you. He's not going to leave you._

 

He knew he couldn't stay out here long before Dean would come looking for him. Even in his buzzed state, he would notice Sam was missing.

 

He was unprepared for Gabriel to plop down beside him instead of Dean.

 

"What's cooking, good looking?" Gabriel giggled. Sam could smell the alcohol on his breath and turned away.

 

"Headache," he said shortly.

 

Gabe rested his head on Sam's shoulder. "I'm sorry." Sam remained ramrod straight; he just couldn’t snuggle right now. He hated himself for it, but he wanted Gabriel to go away and stop reminding him of John.

 

"Babe?" Gabriel asked, confused. "What's up?"

 

Sam tried not to think about how the first time Gabriel had called him "babe," he was drunk. "S' nothing."

 

Gabriel was more serious now, his eyes piercing. "No, it's not. What's wrong? Please tell me."

 

Sam sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. "It's just… the smell of alcohol was getting a bit much."

 

With his head buried in his hands, Sam failed to see the realization slowly dawn on Gabriel. "Sam… I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking."

 

Sam shrugged. He didn’t really feeling like telling Gabriel that for some stupid reason he was afraid of people drinking. He resumed his slow breaths. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gabriel type something in his phone, then felt Gabriel's head on his shoulder again.

 

"Mind if I sit out here with you for a bit? Sober up?"

 

"That's fine," Sam said softly. This time he leaned his head into Gabriel's.

 

Sam wasn't sure how long they sat out there in quiet companionship. When they returned to the party, all the bottles were gone, a window was open, the music was playing softly, and Dean and Cas were sitting rather close together on the couch.

 

Dean jumped up when Sam and Gabriel came in the door. Sam absently noticed the way Dean had placed a hand on Castiel's knee as he stood. "Hey, anyone want to play Scattergories or something?"

 

For the first time, Sam was thankful his big brother was there. For all his emotional constipation and teasing, Dean cared, and he didn't want Sam to feel humiliated.

 

They spent the rest of the evening playing games and chatting. Sam's mood gradually lightened. _I'm fortunate to have a family who doesn't think I'm a freak. Or rather, who knows I'm a freak, but loves me anyway._

 

When the ball dropped, Sam gave Gabriel a brief kiss (Gabriel's breath was minty; at some point he snuck away and brushed his teeth) which Gabriel smiled into. Castiel and Dean stood uncomfortably close to each other, and Castiel gave Dean a high five.

 

Soon after, Dean begins shuffling in what Sam, if it wouldn't get him killed, would have called his 'potty dance', meaning that he was ready to go home. Sam wasn't ready. He still felt residual jitters and unease, and he wanted (a now significantly more sober) Gabriel to soothe him. He wanted to end the night with happy memories.

 

"You wanna go home with Cas?" Sam asked casually.

 

Dean's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. "We're not - how did--? No!" He spluttered.

 

Sam scrunched his eyebrows. "I just want to stay a little longer. My apartment is pretty close to Cas's, it wouldn't be far out of his way to drop you off. If that's alright with him, of course."

 

"Oh! Like giving me a ride. Do I want to have Cas give me a ride home. Yeah, sure. Ready to go, Cas?" Dean's words tumbled out. _Maybe he's more drunk than I thought._

 

Cas shrugged into his trenchcoat, Dean into his leather jacket, and they left. Gabriel's apartment suddenly seemed much quieter. Sam groaned and flopped onto the couch. Gabriel sat next to him and started rubbing his back.

 

"Sam?" he asked hesitantly. Sam didn't like that tone.

 

"…What?"

 

Gabriel chewed on his lip. "Could you tell me if you have… I don't know, triggers?"

 

Sam sat up. "Triggers?"

 

Gabriel nodded. "Things that… bring up bad memories, or cause anxiety or panic attacks, or PTSD, or something like that."

 

Sam let his head loll back, not making eye contact with Gabriel. "You know my dad drank a lot," he stated. Gabriel nodded. "So…" Sam waved his hand as if that would make Gabriel understand, "stuff like that bothers me sometimes. It makes it feel like it's all happening again."

 

Gabriel brought one of Sam's hands to his lips and kissed the knuckles. "I promise I'll be more careful. I should have known."

 

"No, you couldn't have known. I'm ok now." Sam pulled Gabriel into a hug and they cuddled for a bit, Gabriel rubbing soothing circles on Sam's hip. Sam yawned. "Urgh. I don't want to drive home," he whined.

 

The hand on his hip stilled. "Well," Gabriel began, "You don't _have_ to."

 

Sam's heart stopped, then began thumping wildly. Did Gabriel mean --? Sam wasn't _opposed_ to the idea, but he wasn't ready! He needed to…. He needed to research this first!

 

Seeing his distress, Gabriel quickly clarified. "Just to sleep! We don't have to do anything. I can sleep on the couch, if you want."

 

Sam's tension dissipated and he smiled at Gabriel. "Nah, we can share. You just better not hog the blankets!" He teased.

 

"I might. I might cuddle too. I'm a heat-seeking missile," Gabriel deadpanned. Sam laughed and pulled him in for a kiss.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Waking up in Sam Winchester's arms was the best thing he had felt in years. Gabriel was warm, and he felt safe. He had a bit of a headache from the alcohol ( _fortunately Sam stopped me when he did - I would have been seriously hungover at the rate I was going.)_ Gabriel frowned. _I'm such an idiot. I'm so lucky Sam is so forgiving._ He snuggled back into his boyfriend's chest, relishing the feel of his skin.

 

_Wait. Skin?_

 

Gabriel peered over his shoulder at Sam (who was softly snoring), then down at himself. _Shit_. He wasn't wearing a shirt. Normally that wouldn't be a problem - shirtless with boxers was his normal sleeping attire - but he was in bed with _Sam_. In his stupid, buzzed, sleep-deprived, snuggle-induced complacency he must have taken his shirt off out of habit, and now Sam was going to see his pudge and his muffin top and general squishiness. _No no no no!_

 

When he was wearing a shirt, there was doubt about how terrible of physical shape he was really in. You could pretend that maybe he was just a bit slimmer or a bit more muscular. Shirtless? Everything was laid bare. No more guessing. Of course, Gabriel had hoped to be naked around Sam at _some_ point, but at the pace Sam was going, that wouldn’t be for awhile yet, and Gabriel had planned to start a workout regiment of some sort before then. Laying next to Sam juxtaposed their bodies. It highlighted how unworthy Gabriel was of such an Adonis.

 

Gabriel allowed his eyes to rove over Sam's bare torso. Of course, he had seen Sam shirtless already, but he had been a bit distracted with the oil burn. There was still a couple patches of pink over Sam's ribs, but the burn looked mostly healed. Sam's sloping pectorals, his abs… Now Gabriel could look as long as he wanted.

 

_No, you can't! He'll wake up soon!_

 

Gabriel slid quietly out of bed. He opened his dresser and pulled on a fresh pair of jeans, then padded over to his closet, and tried to stealthily open his closet door to find a shirt.

 

_Crreeeak!_

 

Gabriel froze and looked back at Sam. One long arm flopped to where Gabriel had been laying on the bed and groped around. Sam suddenly sat up and stared at Gabriel. _Dammit._

 

Gabriel turned, ripped a shirt of the hanger, and quickly pulled it over his head.

 

"Morning, Samshine!" He tried to chirp. It didn't sound genuine, even to his ears.

 

Sam's brow furrowed. "Are you ok?" Sam paused, but Gabriel didn't answer. He didn't _have_ an answer. "Did I overstep?" Sam was now sitting on the edge of the bed. "Was sleeping together too much?"

 

"No, it was really nice," Gabriel said softly.

 

"Oh." Sam looked confused. "Just… we don't have anywhere to be, but you're already dressed and everything. I guess I thought…" He shrugged. "That maybe you changed your mind, or just said I could stay here because you felt bad for me after last night."

 

Gabriel shook his head fervently. "Of course not!" He sighed. Leave it to Sam to think that Gabriel would only sleep with him out of pity. "I just… didn't feel comfortable without a shirt."

 

Sam pulled the sheets up over his chest. "Am I making you uncomfortable?" He asked frantically.

 

The picture nearly made Gabriel forget his shame of his naked torso -- Sam, cowering under a bedsheet like a blushing virgin. He laughed. " _You,_ make _me_ uncomfortable? Nah. I enjoy the view."

 

Sam lowered the bedsheet, but his frown remained. "You know I'd never touch you without you asking me to, right? Shirt or no shirt." Sam froze. "Did I do something in my sleep to make you uncomfortable?"

 

_Why does Sam have to blame himself for everything?_ Gabriel chuckled bitterly. "No, Sam. I just didn't want you to see me without a shirt, because I hate the way I look. It's my fault I took it off in the first place, but it's too late now. Happy?"

 

Sam looked a bit shocked, and Gabriel started to march out of the room, when Sam's arm snapped out and grabbed his own.

 

"Babe," Sam breathed. Gabriel stopped.

 

"Uh," Sam continued. "Sorry. I don't know if you're ok with me calling you that. You said it last night, but you were…"

 

"Drunk," Gabriel offered flatly. He softened slightly in Sam's grip. "It's fine. I like it," he smiled weakly.

 

Gabriel allowed Sam to pull him closer until he was standing between Sam's legs as Sam sat on the edge of the bed.

 

"Babe," Sam began again, "You're _gorgeous._ "

 

Gabriel rolled his eyes.

 

"Hey! I mean it." Sam pouted. "I love the way you look. This body? It's a part of you. And you're funny, and smart, and sweet. And if you looked differently, I'd love that too. This," Sam poked Gabriel's forehead, "and this," he poked Gabriel's chest, over his heart, "Is what makes you attractive to me. This?" Sam ran his hands down Gabriel's sides, gently squeezed his small love handles through his shirt, and pulled him closer. "This is just a bonus."

 

Sam guided Gabriel to straddle his lap. Sam pulled him tightly against his chest, arms encircling Gabriel's back as he kissed him soundly. Gabriel was close enough to feel Sam's heartbeat thudding. It beat a reassuring tune as Sam ran one hand through Gabriel's hair, and with the other, caressed a love handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against bedsheet cowering or blushing virgins. Or blushing non-virgins. Lol. Gabriel just thinks everyone (Sam included, cuz he's HAWT) has had copious amounts of sex and thus should have no shame.


	29. Confusion

Dean

 

Dean was whistling as he left the garage. Today was a good day. He had just finished his second week at _Singer's Auto_ , he thought he was on Bobby's good side (though it was difficult to tell, since Bobby was pretty gruff regardless), and he got out early. On a whim, he sent a text to Cas.

 

_Dean: Hey, it's Dean. You at the lab?_

 

_Cas: Oh good. You do still have my number. Yes, I am._

 

Dean groaned. He had already apologized, like, a million times. Obviously that was not enough to eliminate Cas's bitterness. He didn't know how to make it better.

 

_Dean: Could I stop by to see the lab?_

 

_Cas: There isn't much to look at. Most of our work is done on the computer._

 

_Cas: It's winter, so we aren't doing samples right now._

 

Well, truth be told, Dean wasn't all that interested in Cas's _work_ , exactly.

 

_Dean: Well, I was hoping maybe you could tell me about what you're working on?_

 

_Cas: I can do that over the phone. Or at home._

 

Dean wasn't sure if Cas was being intentionally evasive, or if he was just so literal he couldn’t figure out what Dean meant.

 

_Dean: Sure, whatever. Doesn't matter._

 

_Cas: What would you like to do, Dean?_

 

Dammit. No matter how socially inept Cas was, he was strangely perceptive and always seemed so considerate of Dean. Unfortunately, that involved him demanding direct answers.

 

_Dean: I just thought it would be nice if I could see you for a bit. I got out early._

 

Dean considered adding "and I have nothing better to do," but that wasn't true.

 

_Cas: Of course. I would like to see you as well._

 

Dean didn't stop smiling at that small reassurance as he drove to campus and found Cas's office. He didn't stop smiling while Cas told him about using transects and quadrants to collect insects to get data about their populations. That smile grew larger when Cas suggested he come over for dinner.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dean was actually a good cook. He knows he wasn't as good as Gabriel (he can't help but think in that aspect, at least, Sam was a lucky man) and he was sure his pastries wouldn't be as beautiful as Cas's works of art; but he thought his food was pretty palatable.

 

John had discouraged him from cooking anything that wasn't microwaveable, cheap, or more complicated than macaroni and cheese. _"Cooking is a woman's job, Dean. You'll meet some nice girl someday, and then you can have those fancy three-course meals you want."_ It had taken a year after Dean moved out and lost track of John's whereabouts for him to start experimenting with cooking real food. And he liked it - something that was both a point of shame and pride. He didn't want to be _delicate,_ or _artsy_ ; or heaven forbid, _picky_. But he felt a sense of accomplishment when a dish turned out tasting and looking good. Cooking was relaxing. Sam had always said he should take up a painting class or yoga or something; instead, Dean cooked.

 

He noticed that he and Cas seemed to eat together a lot. Whether that was because their schedules aligned so they saw each other most often around meal times, or because they both just loved eating, he wasn't sure. Cas was preparing a salad ( _no wonder he and Sam are friends now_ ) while Dean rooted around in Cas's refrigerator and pantry, despite Cas asserting that he was perfectly capable of cooking dinner for the both of them, and that it would be faster since he actually knew where everything was.

 

"It's not like it's hard to find anything in here, Cas," Dean had argued. Now that it was daylight, he could see that Cas's apartment was meticulously organized, kitchen supplies neatly arranged. "Besides, I want to cook for you."

 

Cas looked at him with brows furrowed. "Dean, you shouldn’t feel obligated to cook for me just because I let you sleep on my couch one time."

 

"I don't." Dean said simply.

 

Soon they were seated across from each other. Dean had a feeling that his feet were in Castiel's space under the table, but he didn't move them. He knew he had slipped inside Cas's personal space while he was cooking -- reaching around him to look in cupboards, nudging him on the shoulder to ask where spices were -- but he didn't move then, either.

 

"So, is your move permanent? It's been what, three weeks?" Cas asked after he sipped his drink.

 

Dean cleared his throat. "Well. For the foreseeable future, I suppose."

 

Cas tilted his head to one side _. He's so adorable and endearing -- shut up!_ "What do you mean?"

 

"I mean, if everything works out," Dean stated. _Why can't Cas just talk about the weather, like most people?_

 

"I think it will. Remind me again why you felt the need to relocate?"

 

_Wouldn't I like to know._ "All the people I care about are out here. No one's back in Kansas." Dean took a large bite of food, hoping that would signify an end to that topic of conversation.

 

True to form, however, Castiel just waited until he swallowed his bite, then asked, "What does home feel like?"

 

Dean was glad he had waited until he had swallowed; otherwise he probably would have choked. _Why did I have to say that? 'You feel like home.' What a stupid, cheesy thing to say. Shoulda know he would ask about it, too._ Nerves bubbled up in his chest and a hidden truth clung to the tip of his tongue. "I dunno. The people I'm close to is what home is, I guess. So, the people who make me feel… accepted? Safe? Happy?"

 

"So…" Cas said slowly as he finished chewing, "I make you feel accepted, safe, and happy."

 

Dean's heart beat in his ears. "That wasn't what I meant."

 

"Hmm." Cas's utensils were laying motionless on the table now. He was resting his chin on steepled fingers. "But that's what you said. And I consider you an honest man, for what it's worth."

 

"You been learning some lawyer tricks from Sam? Using my own words against me?" Dean tried to quirk a smile as he forced the words out of his dry throat.

 

Cas leaned back in his chair and looked resigned. "No." He picked up his fork again.

 

That wasn't what Dean wanted. As much as it made him uncomfortable, he _wanted_ Cas to keep pushing, to keep questioning, to force him to tell the truth. And that wasn't fair to Cas.

 

"Dammit," Dean mumbled.

 

"Pardon?"

 

Dean sighed. "Yes, ok? You make me feel accepted, safe, and happy."

 

Cas chewed on a plump lip. "You don't have to admit anything just to make me feel better, Dean. I'm sorry for pressuring you. You made it clear how you feel awhile ago."

 

"But I didn't," Dean said angrily.

 

Cas cocked an eyebrow. Dean allowed his eyes to trace Castiel's face for a moment. Cas was beautiful -- straight nose, full lips, prominent cheekbones, sex hair, dark lashes framing those blue eyes. Cas's _heart_ was beautiful. He listened without judgement, he was patient, he was accomplished and intelligent, he was kind. He was someone Dean wanted to spend time with, who was more than a friend, but…

 

"You're attractive, but I'm not sure I'm _attracted_ to you," Dean blurted.

 

The other eyebrow rose. "Thank you?"

 

Dean rose, his chair scraping on the laminate in an ugly sound he couldn't hear above his own thoughts. He began to pace. "I like you, you know? Like… I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you better. But," He began to laugh hysterically, "Not like friends. I want to take care of you, and buy you gifts, and see you smile. I -- I want to take you on dates." Dean couldn't meet Castiel's eyes. "Hell, I even like the way you look. But," his voice cracked, "I'm not sure I really want to…" Dean gestured crudely between his crotch and Cas.

 

"Have sex with me?" Cas provided.

 

Dean nodded and turned his back on Cas. He heard Castiel rise from his chair and stand behind him at a respectful distance.

 

"Dean?"

 

"Yeah?" Dean croaked.

 

"Are you… asexual?"

 

Dean chuckled weakly. " _Hell_ no. I've had… well, I've had a lot of partners, Cas. _Female_ partners."

 

Cas softly exhaled. "I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but… it sound like you have… romantic feelings? For me."

 

Dean flicked his eyes back to Cas, who was standing closer now. "I suppose that's one way to say it."

 

"Have you ever felt this way about other guys?"

 

Dean turned and crossed his arms. "What is this now, an interrogation?"

 

Castiel's eyes softened and his mouth turned up in a small smile. "No, Dean. Just… have you ever considered that maybe you're biromantic?"

 

"I literally have never heard that word," Dean said flatly.

 

Cas shifted his weight in what might have been nervousness. "It is possible to have, romantic feelings, for lack of a better term, for both genders, without sexual attraction. A person could be biromantic but heterosexual."

 

"Oh," Dean said dumbly. He wasn't sure what to do with this information.

 

"Or," Cas continued, "there is graysexuality, which is in between sexual and asexual. Maybe for you that applies, but only for men. Perhaps there is not a word for it." Cas paused, knuckles pressed against his mouth. "I did a bit of 'research'," Dean almost laughed at Cas's air quotes, "when I was younger. I'm demipansexual, and panromantic. I was very confused for awhile." Cas chuckled.

 

"I don't really like labels in general, really," Cas continued while Dean stood mutely. "I think they can be oversimplifying or inaccurate for a lot of people. For that reason a lot of people, myself included, just consider themselves 'queer'. But, when used in the proper context, labels can be helpful. They allowed me to realize that there are other people like me, for example."

 

The low droning of Cas's voice was oddly comforting, even though the content was overwhelming. Dean could feel his heartrate and breathing slowing a bit.

 

"Dean?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"Are you doing ok?" Cas peered at him anxiously.

 

Dean nodded, feeling a bit numb. "Yeah, I'm ok."

 

Cas stepped more into his personal space. "Would you like a hug?" He had his arms out, palms raised up, approaching Dean as one might approach a skittish animal.

 

Dean nodded again. Yes, he would like a hug. That sounded very ok right now.

 

Strong arms enveloped him. In turn he wrapped his arms around Cas's lean waist. He could feel the tight muscles of Cas's back and the sharp ridge of his hipbones. Normally Dean was the one who had their arms over the other person's, even in his 'bro-hugs' with Sammy or male friends. This was actually rather nice, to be the one cradled for a change. He sighed and slumped slightly into Castiel. Cas smelled like the outdoors, like fresh air and rain. Cas gave him a brief squeeze before letting go and stepping back.

 

"I'm sure you already know, but -- if it's any reassurance, I have romantic feelings for you too, Dean."

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

"Are you and your wife expecting?" The cashier asked perkily.

 

"Um, no," Gabriel said hesitantly as he put the pack and play she had just scanned into his cart. "It's for my boyfriend's daughter, actually."

 

The woman seemed stunned for a brief moment, but she recovered quickly. "Aww, that's sweet of you. How old is she?"

 

"She's almost two," Gabriel answered proudly.

 

"Hm." The cashier pursed her lips. "Well, it's not any of my business… but if she's almost two, she might be ready for a toddler mattress soon instead of a pack and play or a crib. I'd just hate to see you buy that and then have to come back to buy a bed, too."

 

Gabriel was pleasantly surprised by her sincerity. "Oh. I probably should have asked Sam first, I don't really know all that much about kids," he said shyly. "I was just wanted to surprise him."

 

The cashier gave him a smile. "Hon, I'm not sure _anyone_ with kids feels like they know what they're doing the first time. Why don't you go look at the toddler mattresses, and make a decision afterward."

 

"Thank you, ma'am," Gabriel said earnestly.

 

"No problem, hon."

 

Sam's classes had started again, so they hadn't been able to talk much or go on dates. However, Sam spent almost every evening at Gabriel's apartment. Gabriel now had a growing pile of Mary's toys in his living room, and his refrigerator was becoming stocked with her favorite snacks. Sam would leave when it was time to put Mary to bed, and Gabriel would give him a quick kiss goodnight.

 

Gabriel felt slightly guilty to admit it, but his favorite evenings were when Mary was with Jess. Those evenings, Sam and Gabriel sat side by side on the couch. Sam did homework, and Gabriel listened to music, watched Netflix, or read. For the most part, they sat in silence, but Sam would sometimes discuss what he was reading, or ask Gabriel to share his music, movie, or book. Eventually, Gabriel would get ready for bed, then curl up next to Sam again and doze off. Sam would study late into the night until he was yawning and his eyes were drooping. He would leave to brush his teeth and strip down to his boxers, then would return to scoop Gabriel off the couch and carry him to bed. Even though Gabriel was getting disrupted sleep (and he was far too old to fall asleep on the couch -- his back was complaining about that decision), he loved that Sam could lift him up so easily. He knew he wasn't _light_ by any stretch of the imagination, even though he was much shorter than Sam. He felt so secure in Sam's embrace. He would then pretend to be asleep while Sam spooned him in bed, ran his fingers through his hair, and kissed the back of his neck. Gabriel was actually quite proud of his self-restraint: he gave himself a mental pat on the back for not flinging himself at Sam and begging him to fuck him into the mattress before Sam was ready. It's the small victories.

 

 Sam took good care of him.

 

In turn, Gabriel wanted to take care of Sam and Mary. He didn't want Sam to have to drive home at night just because Mary didn't have a crib at Gabriel's apartment. Of course, he didn't expect Sam to just _move in_ with him, but he wanted to at least give him the option to stay the night with Mary on occasion.

 

The routine they had fallen into wasn't _exciting,_ exactly, but it was comfortable. It made Gabriel happy just to have Sam cuddled up next to him, tracing patterns on the back of his neck, and sharing his thoughts, complaining about his professors, or listening to Gabriel talk about his day or a new music album or whatever else came to mind. It definitely wasn't bland -- Sam constantly surprised Gabriel with his willingness to learn, his determination, and his big heart. In turn, Gabriel tried new recipes, attempted to meditate, and started doodling in a sketchbook for the first time in years. Sam made him want to be a better person. Sam _deserved_ him at his best, and so did Gabriel.

 

Gabriel perused the baby section again. There were so many different mattresses! Firm, extra firm, different coil counts, memory foam…

 

Gabriel picked one that had organic cotton and was Green Guard certified to not have harmful chemical emissions. That seemed like the sort of thing Sam would buy for Mary. Now onto the toddler bedframe…

 

_This surprise for Sam is getting rather expensive. Not to mention complicated._ There were adjustable frames, frames that came with a guard that was supposed to keep the child from rolling off, day bed configurations…

 

Gabriel decided he would give Dean a call and see if he had any idea what Sam would like.

 

_"Hello?"_

 

"Cas?!" Gabriel checked to make sure he had dialed Dean's number.

 

_"Dean went to the store to get snacks appropriate for a movie night. He forgot his phone at my apartment."_

 

"… Ok. Never mind." _At least Dean hasn't murdered Cas since I gave him his address._

 

_"He should be back soon. Would you like me to give him a message?"_

 

"Well, I was just looking at all these toddler beds and bedframes for Mary. I wanted to surprise Sam, I just don't know what kind to get."

 

_"Why don't I have Dean make a bedframe for Mary? I could let him use the college woodworking shop. He's quite good with his hands."_

 

Gabriel really hoped Dean hadn't been being _good with his hands_ with his baby brother. He had thought Dean was straight, but you never know. He didn't like the way Cas had said he would "have Dean" make a bedframe, either. Straight guy friends didn't usually take orders from each other, or have movie nights (especially knowing that Cas couldn't stand violent, scary, or otherwise typically 'masculine' movies). Not that he was speaking from personal experience, exactly, but he was observant. He also didn't like how much Cas appeared to know about Dean. Sure, they had shared a car ride and supposedly went sightseeing together, but that didn't mean you knew someone's life story! Dean may be Sam's brother, and for that he was likely trustworthy, but Cas was his baby brother! He had a right to know details about who he was spending time with.

 

"Ok, thanks," Gabriel said a bit distantly. He wandered back to the checkout register, organic-cotton toddler mattress in tow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy Dean and Cas talk!
> 
> In canon, I feel that Dean and Cas's relationship transcends (but doesn't necessarily exclude) physical attraction. I attempted to portray that here. This relates to the ambiguity Dean feels about his sexuality -- which translates to some ambiguity in my writing. I do not plan to strictly define Dean's sexual or romantic orientation for this reason. 
> 
> Also, I am a proponent of reclaiming the word "queer" for the LGBTQIA+ community; however, I know that this word still retains negative connotations, especially for older people who have had hurtful personal experiences with its usage. Here, Cas uses "queer" as a term of self-identification, which I view as an appropriate use. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and please let me know what you think! :)


	30. The Right Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sabriel flirtations!

Gabriel

 

Gabriel glanced at himself one last time in the mirror. He straightened his blazer, fixed his hair, and pulled on his best pair of loafers.

 

It was the day before Valentine's Day, and today he and Sam were going to see _Don Quixote_. Gabriel felt butterflies in his stomach -- more so than usual when he was around Sam. This was essentially their first Valentine's Day together, and Gabriel wanted to make it special, but he didn't know how.

 

Knocking startled him out of his thoughts. Max began yipping and jumping at the door -- somehow he always knew when Sam was outside.

 

Gabriel flung open the door with a grin, ready to greet Sam with a snarky comment, but his breath was quickly stolen away.

 

Sam was wearing black dress pants, a button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and a suit vest.

 

"Bonjour,  mon amour," Sam smirked as he leaned against the doorframe.

 

_That just isn't fair._ "Isn't that my line?" Gabriel wheezed after he finished gaping and drooling.

 

Sam chuckled. "What, are you the only one allowed to sweet talk in other languages?"

 

"Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one --" Gabriel began before Sam lunged forward and kissed him hungrily.

 

"You look amazing" Sam whispered in Gabriel's ear when he paused to take a breath. Sam nibbled along Gabriel's ear and Gabriel's knees threatened to give out. "Je t'aime."

 

Gabriel just moaned in appreciation. He barely had the presence of mind to kick the door closed before Sam slipped his hands under his blazer and pinned him against the wall.

 

"Sam," Gabriel gasped, "Not that I'm complaining, but what's gotten into you?"

 

"Mm," Sam hummed from where he was kissing Gabriel's neck, "You. You look so… _dapper._ "

 

Gabriel scoffed. "That makes me sound like an old professor."

 

Sam bumped his nose against Gabriel's, his eyes twinkling. "No. A young, hot professor."

 

Gabriel pecked Sam on the nose, even as Sam's hands were kneading his waist, untucking his shirt, and pulling him close. "Is that a fantasy of yours?" He teased.

 

"I think it is now," Sam smiled and drew Gabriel in for a deep but gentle kiss.

 

Gabriel eventually pushed Sam away. "Babe, we're gonna be late if we keep this up. And you messed up my hair and clothes! It takes time to look this good, you know."

 

"I'll make it up to you," Sam promised, then took his hand and gave him one last chaste kiss before leading him out the door.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

The play was lovely. At least, Gabriel was pretty sure it was. He was distracted for most of it by the warmth of Sam's hand on his knee, or the way Sam ran his thumb along his knuckles while they were holding hands, or the way he caught Sam staring at him adoringly on more than one occasion.

 

_I'm the luckiest man alive._

 

"What did you think?" Sam asked him once they were in the parking lot.  Gabriel had summarized the plot for Sam beforehand, so Sam at least had a general idea of what was going on -- Gabriel had been correct in assuming that they wouldn't have all the dialogue in the English subtitles.

 

Gabriel smirked. "Well, it was alright, for a recycled gift. I mean, you try to use this as both a Christmas gift _and_ a Valentine's Day celebration? Tsk."

 

Gabriel enjoyed the look of horror on Sam's face for a moment before putting him out of his misery. "Sammy, I'm _joking_. This was wonderful." He squeezed Sam's hand and then looped his arm through Sam's. "Now take me home, my brave knight."

 

Sam rolled his eyes, then began to smile mischievously. "Allow me," he said, then proceeded to scoop Gabriel up bridal style and carry him to the car.

 

"Saammm!" Gabriel squirmed.

 

"Nuh uh. If I'm the knight, I get to treat you like the princess."

 

"You're an asshole," Gabriel asserted.

 

"But you love me," Sam countered.

 

Gabriel stretched up to kiss Sam. "I do."

 

Gabriel attempted to make small talk with Sam on the car ride back to Gabriel's apartment, but they both distracted each other by squeezing each other's thighs and exchanging kisses at red lights.

 

As soon as Gabriel unlocked his door and took off his coat, Sam was pressing him against the wall again and shoving the blazer off of his shoulders. Gabriel stood stunned for a moment, then began unbuttoning Sam's vest. Sam guided him down the hallway, kissing Gabriel as they went, both Gabriel and Sam's shirts halfway unbuttoned and flapping open.

 

Sam gently laid Gabriel down on the bed and kissed his neck while he finished unbuttoning Gabriel's shirt. Gabriel ran his hands up the back of Sam's shirt, relishing the feel of Sam's hot skin and rippling muscles. Sam was now mouthing down Gabriel's stomach, but before Gabriel could complain, Sam's fingers were on his belt buckle.

 

"Since I reused a gift… is it alright if I give you a new one?" Sam asked breathlessly.

 

Gabriel nodded vigorously and lifted his hips so Sam could remove his belt. Sam teasingly hooked his fingers into the waistband of Gabriel's pants as he kissed over Gabriel's hipbone. Gabriel wriggled, attempting to prompt Sam to _get a move on._

 

"Impatient, hm?" Sam teased. He pulled Gabriel's pants and boxers down at the same time. Sam slowly smoothed his hands up Gabriel's thighs. Gabriel shivered. This was the first time he had been naked below the waist around Sam; even when they shared a bed, they wore boxers. Sam followed the path his hands had taken with his mouth, slowing as he reached Gabriel's cock, which was now dripping onto Gabriel's stomach. Sam circled his thumb over the slit, smearing precum over the tip, then began to pump Gabriel's cock. _Oh--holy--yesyesyes._ Gabriel bucked up into the touch in small thrusts as Sam kissed his lips gently. Sam then started to press kisses down Gabriel's neck again, down his stomach, paused to nibble a hipbone, then swirled his tongue around the tip of Gabriel's cock.

 

Gabriel was vaguely aware that he should probably be reciprocating in some way, and that Sam was still mostly dressed, but then Sam began sucking his cock enthusiastically and all logical brain function ceased.

 

Gabriel arched his back, his head digging into the pillow, as Sam's large hands gripped his hips and the wet heat of his mouth surrounded his cock. He closed his eyes and tried to drink in the sensation. Gabriel wanted this moment seared into his memory. This was probably going to star in most of his fantasies from now on, after all.

 

Gabriel was racing toward the edge embarrassingly quickly. He tapped Sam's shoulder, really looking at Sam for the first time.

 

Sam was gorgeous.

 

Settled between his legs, shirt halfway unbuttoned and hanging off one tan shoulder, pink lips around Gabriel's dick, eyes burning into Gabriel's. Gabriel's heart raced at the sight of this powerful man, 6 foot 4 inches of muscle and strength, knelt on the bed, sucking Gabriel's cock.

 

Gabriel tapped Sam's shoulder more urgently now, and Sam slid his mouth off of Gabriel's cock with one last slow suck, and immediately started using his hand to pump Gabriel's cock. Gabriel liked the sight of Sam's huge hand almost enveloping his entire dick. Sam repositioned himself so he was straddling one of Gabriel's legs and began grinding against his thigh. Soon Gabriel's cock was splattering cum over his stomach, and Sam thrust against his thigh a couple more times before his hips jerked and Gabriel felt a warm wetness through the fabric of Sam's pants.

 

Sam flopped down on his back next to Gabriel with a long exhale.

 

"Wow," Gabriel remarked.

 

Sam laughed, "I've been wanting to do that for awhile."

 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow at him. "Why'd ya wait so long?"

 

Sam leaned over to peck Gabriel on the lips. "Just wanted to make sure it was the right time." He then rose and walked to the bathroom, returning with a damp cloth, and proceeded to clean Gabriel. At Sam's touch, Gabriel melted into a puddle of sated goo. He felt so pampered.

 

"You came in your pants." Gabriel giggled.

 

"Yup." Sam looked at him slyly. "Couldn't help it. You're hot."

 

Gabriel couldn't help but glow with happiness at the compliment. Of course, Sam might be speaking in the midst of post-orgasmic bliss, but it was nice nonetheless. He wasn't sure if anyone had ever called him hot before.

 

Sam at last stood and stripped off his shirt. "Mind if I use your shower?"

 

"Ooh, Sammy," Gabriel waggled his eyebrows, "We could share!"

 

\-------------------------------------------

 

Sam

 

Gabriel had looked so excited and pleased with himself when, once he came home from work and Sam was out of class, he suggested they go out for a nice dinner at a local Italian restaurant for Valentine's Day. Mary had been excited to see Gabriel too; she had run up to him as soon as he walked in the door. Sam had followed closely behind and had given Gabriel a chaste kiss. Sam felt guilty for even thinking about saying no. However, Gabriel noticed his hesitation.

 

"Do you not like Italian? We can go somewhere else." Gabriel looked both concerned and slightly hurt.

 

"No!" Sam exclaimed. "It's just…" he sighed, "I was thinking about asking Dean out to dinner." Gabriel scrunched his face in confusion, and Sam rushed to explain. "I just don't want him bar hopping until he picks up some college girl for a one night stand. I don't want to come home tomorrow to see a woman from my tribal law class half-naked. Or worse, Dean." Sam shuddered. "And I am _not_ getting sexiled from my own apartment."

 

Gabriel snickered.

 

"You don't understand how it was! Living with Dean through his late teens and early twenties… ugh." Sam complained with a grimace.

 

"I have older brothers, too, Sam," Gabriel reminded. "Though, I guess they were pretty careful, given how our parents were… I didn't catch them often," he added thoughtfully. "I never dared bring anyone into the house, of course," Gabriel said with a wry smile.

 

Sam enveloped Gabriel in a hug. "I'm sorry," he whispered into the top of his head where it was tucked under his chin.

 

"It's ok. I made up for it once I moved out." Gabriel winked. "Even better, now I have you, and I'm gonna show you off wherever I can and to whomever will look," Gabriel smiled up at Sam.

 

"Now, about dinner," Gabriel continued, "How about we invite Cassie too? That way Dean won't be the awkward third wheel while I feel you up under the table," Gabriel bit his lip seductively.

 

"You wouldn't." Sam glared.

 

"Try me." Gabriel met his gaze in a challenge.

 

Sam kissed him gently. "You can once we get home. We can cuddle and make out on the couch and watch a movie." He didn't miss how Gabriel's look softened at the word "home." Sam supposed he, indirectly, owed Dean a thank you, as since Dean moved in, Sam had been spending most of his time at Gabriel's. He had some clothes there, his toiletries, his phone charger… Gabriel's apartment was becoming home. He thought Mary liked being at Gabriel's apartment too, even though they returned to Sam's apartment to sleep most nights.

 

With that, Sam called Dean while Gabriel texted Castiel.

 

_"Happy Valentine's Day! Tomorrow candy will be half off!"_

 

"Yeah, you too."

 

_"What's up?"_

 

"We were wondering if you wanted to come out for dinner with Gabe, Cas, and me?"

 

_"You guys planning something kinky?"_

 

Sam groaned. "No! Dean. Do you want to come or not?"

 

_"Yeah, yeah. What time?"_

 

Sam glanced at Gabriel. _What time?_ He mouthed to him. "Six," he repeated Gabriel's answer to Dean.

 

_"Text me the address and I'll see you there."_

 

 

Sam lifted Mary onto his hip and pulled Gabriel close with his other arm as Gabriel looked at his phone.

 

"Cas says he's coming," Gabriel informed him.

 

"Awesome. Let's get dressed, and then I'll drop Mary off, and then come back to pick you up?"

 

Gabriel snuggled into Sam's chest. "Why don't we just both go to drop off Mary? Jess is on campus, right? Her place should be on the way."

 

Sam hoped Gabriel couldn't feel the way he gulped. He had mentioned to Jess that he was dating someone, but he hadn't exactly made explicitly clear that that person was a man. Or how serious he and Gabriel were. The only reason he had told Jess anything at all was because he felt she had the right to know if someone else was spending time with their daughter. Jess had said that she trusted his judgement, but also threatened him with death if that person didn't treat Mary like a princess. Sam smiled at the memory. Jess was such a mixture of sweetness and fierceness.

 

_Maybe Gabriel will just stay in the car and I can bring Mary to Jess's door._ Sam immediately mentally berated himself at the thought. Gabriel had just said that he wanted to show Sam off -- and here Sam was contemplating hiding Gabriel away in return? No. He was proud of Gabriel, and he would be happy to have everyone know that they belonged to each other.

 

The image of matching rings popped into Sam's head unbidden.

 

Unaware of Sam's internal struggle and sappy daydreams, Gabriel poked him in the chest. "Sam? You're gonna have to change into something a bit fancier."

 

"Hm? Oh yeah." Sam looked down at his sweatshirt and jeans. "Why don't you come help me pick something out?" He asked with a wink.

 

\---------------------------------------------

Sam  

Sam tried to control his nervousness for Gabriel's sake. He didn't want Gabriel -- who was currently completely unperturbed, belting out song lyrics with the car radio -- to become a jittery mess. After all, Gabriel shouldn't have anything to worry about. He was honest, trustworthy, sweet, and great with Mary. Nevertheless, Sam was debating on whether he should introduce Gabriel to Jess. Was it too soon? Or would she be mad because it was too late? He knew Jessica was very protective of Mary -- which was fine, but it meant that he needed her to approve of Gabriel if he wanted to continue having a cordial friendship with Jess.

 

The decision was taken from him when Jess bounded up to his car as soon as he shifted into park.

 

"Hi! My friends and I made cookies. Do you want any?" She asked breathlessly.

 

"No, thanks. Gabe keeps me pretty well-stocked." Sam said reflexively. _Oops. No turning back now._

 

"Oh, hey there!" Jess peered beyond Sam to look at Gabriel in the passenger seat. "You work at _Expressoself!_ , right?"

 

"Yup!" Gabriel replied cheerfully.

 

"Hey, you don't just work there. He owns the place," Sam added.

 

Jess began unloading Mary from her carseat. "That's awesome! I've been there a few times. I love your pastries."

 

Gabriel twisted in his seat to look back at Jess. "I do recognize you! Caramel mocha, right? I didn't realize you were Sam's Jess."

 

"Wow! Yeah, that's right. I haven't been in in awhile. I didn't visit at all over the winter break -- didn't need coffee since I had no classes!"

 

Sam was rather thankful Jess hadn't come in while he was working. That could have been awkward. Albeit, probably not more awkward than this was going to be.

 

Jess was now carrying Mary on her hip. "So, whatcha guys up to?"

 

"We're going out for Valentine's Day dinner!" Gabriel grinned.

 

Jess stared blankly. "Like… together?" Her eyes darted from Sam to Gabriel.

 

"Yup," Sam said firmly, and took Gabriel's hand.

 

Jess's eyes narrowed. "Are you joking? Like, are you going together to get a discount or something?"

 

"Nope. We're dating," Sam smiled hesitantly. He could feel Gabriel squeeze his hand as he tensed.

 

"Hm. Ookaayy." Jess scrunched her eyebrows. She then leaned over the car window to shake Gabriel's hand. "Nice to meet you… Gabe, was it?"

 

"The pleasure is mine," Gabriel said smoothly, but Sam could hear a slight tightness in his voice.

 

"Well, I won't make you late to dinner, but I do expect to hear more about you, Gabe!" Jess insisted. "Hey, does this mean I get free coffee now?" She teased.

 

"If it means getting in your good graces? Of course," Gabriel replied with a wink.

 

Jess began to back away. Mary waved her little hand. "Bye bye daddy! Bye bye Gabe!"

 

Jess smiled back at them a bit more warmly, and offered a small wave of her own.

 

Sam continued the drive toward the restaurant. Now, Gabriel wasn't singing. He was sitting in brooding silence. Sam squeezed his hand reassuringly.

 

"Gabe? You alright?"

 

"Yeah."

 

_Clearly not alright._

 

Sam sighed. "Babe, tell me what's wrong. I will turn this car around if I have to," Sam attempted to lighten the mood.

 

"You didn't tell her about me," Gabriel said sharply.

 

Sam hesitated. "Well, I told her I was seeing someone, I just didn't tell her it was… you."

 

"I mean, I know we haven't been together _that_ long, I just… I don't know. And she thought it was a joke!" Gabriel continued, his voice rising.

 

Sam glanced over at his boyfriend to see tears glistening in his eyes. "Gabe, sweetie --"

 

"I mean, she's beautiful. And I've been trying to do the diet like how you told me to, but even then I won't look like _that._ And -- and you guys had a child together, and we haven't even had _sex_!"

 

Sam abruptly turned into the nearest gas station and parked. "Gabriel, look at me," he said seriously.

 

Gabriel wiped away his tears then rolled his eyes hard, but he met Sam's gaze.

 

"I should have told Jess who you were sooner. I'm really sorry, that was dumb of me. I guess I was just nervous of if she would approve of you being around Mary. Not that _I_ have any concerns," he added quickly, "but Jess doesn't know you and she is like a mama bear sometimes. And babe, she didn't think I was joking because of how you look," Sam squeezed both of Gabriel's hands. "It was because she didn't know that I like men."

 

Gabriel raised his eyebrows. "I knew you weren't out to Dean, but you weren't out to _anyone_?"

 

"Well, I wasn't even really out to myself," Sam huffed a laugh. "I mean, I kinda had a feeling that I wasn't totally _straight_ , exactly, but I'm only sexually attracted to people with whom I have an emotional bond, so," he shrugged, "It just never really came up in my life."

 

"So… you've never been with another guy?" Gabriel asked.

 

"Nope. And I guess that's a part of why we haven't had sex, but I just also… I dunno. I wanna do this right. I love you for more than just sex, you know?" Sam looked to Gabriel for his response, but Gabriel's eyes were glazed over, and he was biting his lip. "Gabriel?"

 

"Hm?" Gabriel's eyes snapped back to his.

 

"Were you listening to anything I was saying?"

 

"Mm," Gabriel tilted his head and shrugged. "Not really. You kind of lost me after, 'Gabriel, I'm a gay sex virgin'."

 

Sam rolled his eyes. "I was _trying_ to tell you that I want to take things slowly and do this right because I love you, and I don't just want to use you for sex. Which is what you clearly want to use me for."

 

Gabriel nodded vigorously. "Oh, absolutely. I _totally_ want to use you for sex."

 

"Do we need to stop at an adult store and get you some toys on the way home? Hold you over for now?"

 

"Maybe."

 

"You're lucky you're cute."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for those asking for French... sorry to be so disappointing, but that is essentially the extent of my knowledge of French and I don't trust Google Translate haha. Also, I wanted to casually break the fourth wall :P
> 
> So, is the slow burn officially over? Was it over with the first "I love you," the first blow job, or is it still burning slowly? Lol. Let me know what you all think :)


	31. Gentleman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit more Destiel-centric :)

Sam

The restaurant was a good choice for Valentine's Day. Evidently other people agreed, because it was crowded, but the volume remained at a tolerable level. There were small candles sitting on a red tablecloth at each booth, and vines twisted around the beams of the ceiling. The lighting was warm and low.

 

Only a few minutes after Sam and Gabriel were seated, Dean and Cas entered together. Sam and Gabriel waved them over.

 

Sam watched in amusement as Cas pulled out Dean's chair and Dean had looked at Cas with a shell-shocked expression before eventually sitting with a huff. _Cas is such a gentleman. So nice to everyone and such a good friend._

 

The waiter took their order and everyone was chatting companionably, and then Cas reached across Dean for the basket of rolls, and placed a kiss on Dean's cheek as he did so.

 

Everyone (including Dean) froze and fell mute.

 

_I knew Cas could be a bit socially awkward, but even_ he _should know that's kind of crossing the line of acceptable platonic affection._

 

"Cas? You don't just _do_ that!" Gabriel whispered, perhaps in an effort to save his younger brother from embarrassment. Cas just stared back at his, eyebrows drawn. "Wait. Are you -- what are you-- you're--?" Gabriel spluttered. 

 

"Taking things slowly," Cas replied. He turned to Dean. "You didn't tell Sam?"

 

"There isn't much to tell, Cas!" Dean hissed. "And you didn't tell Gabriel!"

 

"I thought he knew. He asked us on this double date. I told him you were making a bedframe." Cas turned his blue eyes to Gabriel. _As if that explains everything. Is that a new euphemism for sex? Do I dare ask?_

 

"Why are you making a bedframe?" Sam asked.

 

"Erm," said Dean. "I don't think we're supposed to talk about it?"

 

Sam gave him a bitchface. _Ok, definitely code for sex. What. The. Hell._ He had had his questions about Dean's orientation, but he hadn't actually expected them to be answered in his lifetime.

 

Gabriel appeared to have recovered the ability to speak. "Does anyone care to explain to me _what the hell_ is going on here?!"

 

Cas looked at Dean searchingly for a moment. Seconds ticked by with them gazing into each other's eyes, having a silent conversation, until Cas finally spoke. "Dean and I have… feelings for each other. We have decided to explore those feelings." Cas nodded definitively. Dean blushed all the way to the roots of his hair and avoided meeting anyone's eye.

 

Sam decided to break the uncomfortable silence. "Well, congrats, I guess."

 

"Thanks, Sammy," Dean said softly.

 

Gabriel pointed a finger at Dean. "I should have never let Cassie go on that road trip with you! You -- you _seduced_ him!"

 

"Well, if you ask Cas, seduction isn't my strong suit," Dean drawled, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in what Sam recognized as his defensive gesture, "avoidance and denial is more my signature."

 

"Too bad. You're stuck with him forever now, or as long as he wants you, because you're not going to break his heart." Gabriel said dryly.

 

"Gabriel, I'm not a child. You don't have to threaten Dean," Castiel interjected. "And Dean, please do not speak of yourself in a disparaging way."

 

"That's right. Cas is a strong, independent man who don't need no man," Dean clapped Cas on the back. "Besides, you've had your sticky paws all over _my_ baby brother, so you don't get to complain too much."

 

Sam saw the hurt flash in Gabriel's eyes at the mention of his eating habits. He'd have to find a way to talk to Dean about that. If only Dean wasn't such a _moron_ who lashed out when he was uncomfortable and thought everyone had as thick of skin as he did _._ Sam squeezed Gabriel's hand reassuringly. "Hey, Gabe is good for me. And I'm sure Castiel is good for you," Sam smiled at his friend and his brother.

 

"Well, I'm glad that we had this discussion. Anyone want a bread roll?" offered Castiel.

 

\-----------------------------------------------

 

Dean

 

"That was… interesting," Castiel stated as he and Dean entered Castiel's apartment. Dean shucked his shoes at the door, then placed them carefully to the side when he noticed how Cas left his own shoes lined up on a mat. _C'mon, Winchester. Act classy._ Dean kept his apartment clean, but Cas kept his apartment _neat_. There was a difference. Cas's apartment looked like he had done optimization calculations for the space. Dean smiled at the thought of Cas hunched over a computer and notebook, plugging in measurements of all his furniture and apartment space.

 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Cas standing in front of him, definitely within his personal space. "Dean? Was what I said tonight alright?"

 

"Hm? Oh yeah. They had to find out sometime, right?" Dean attempted to joke.

 

Castiel frowned. "Well, I should have consulted with you first to make sure you were ready. When I got the phone call from Gabriel saying Sam was inviting you, I had assumed they already knew."

 

"Well… I guess it was time." Dean bumped his shoulder into Castiel's. "And to be fair, we haven't really talked about what we are, anyway. So I'm not sure what we would have told them, regardless. "

 

Cas hummed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

 

"Not really."

 

Cas nodded. "Let me know when you do."

 

Dean nodded his agreement. There was no question in Cas's request. Dean liked that about Cas. He had this quiet confidence; he knew when he was right, and he knew when he wanted to be obeyed.

 

"I probably shouldn't have kissed you either. I have not yet discussed with you your boundaries on public displays of affection," Cas continued seriously, "I will do better with that. You're very attractive and I find you somewhat irresistible."

 

Dean snorted. "It was on the cheek, Cas. Not a big deal." He could feel heat rising in his neck at the compliment. Cas wasn't just buttering him up -- when he said something, he meant it. Dean wasn't sure the guy even knew how to lie.

 

Cas nodded thoughtfully, as if cataloging this information for future use. "Dean, would you like to watch a movie? I know there are several you have been meaning to introduce me to."

 

Dean brightened. He could handle watching a movie with Cas. That meant they wouldn't have to have weird conversations about their relationship, but could still spend time together. What they had been doing… he wasn't sure how to define it. They hadn't gone on dates (unless you counted the disaster of a dinner they had just returned from), but Dean had been spending an inordinate amount of time at Cas's apartment for someone who is just a friend. And they might tend to sit a bit closer, and have more casual touches, and lower their walls just a bit more than they would for just a friend. Cas had even dropped a couple light kisses to his temple, so soft they were almost unnoticeable.

 

So now they were watching Star Trek in low lighting, and Dean was facing his body toward Cas, and they both leaned in to comment about the movie in low tones, even though no one else was there. Speaking softly was an excuse to be closer to listen.

 

But at the end of the movie, Cas leaned in to say something, but he didn't pull back, and Dean could see his lips moving but he couldn’t hear what he was saying anymore over the pounding of his heart, couldn't have possibly heard, _"I'd like to kiss you,"_ but now Cas was slowly moving closer and his lips were softly pressing into Dean's.

 

Cas pulled back so his lips were just ghosting over Dean's, their noses bumping. Dean could feel the warmth of Cas's breath intermingling with his own. He had never before found the sensation particularly special, but it was now. He wanted to _breathe_ whatever Cas gave him. This time, Dean pressed his lips to Cas's. He tried to give attention to every sensation. The way Cas's lips were slightly chapped, but soft and plush, as nice as he'd imagined them to be (not that he would admit that he thought about kissing them); the heat of said lips; and now, the way Cas's tongue was tracing the seam of Dean's lips. Dean opened his mouth obediently. Cas's tongue was gentle but insistent in his mouth, and Dean could taste the red wine they had drank with dinner. But that wasn't what made him feel drunk -- it was what was underneath. _Cas._

 

Cas broke the kiss to nibble at Dean's lip and up his jawline. Dean could feel the beginnings of panic, as he could feel Cas's five o'clock shadow, and that meant this was definitely a guy he was kissing and he had never done this before and now his heart was racing for two different reasons but then Cas was kissing his mouth again, passionately and heated, and Dean remembered to breathe through his nose.

 

Dean tentatively raised a hand to cup the back of Cas's neck and pull him closer. Cas used both hands to cup Dean's jaw in return. Dean took that as permission, and began running his fingers up through Cas's soft hair. That goofy but awesome sex-hair -- now Dean would be the reason it was messed up. Dean smiled into the kiss.

 

Cas took that opportunity to pull back, grab Dean's hips, and scoot him closer to one end of the couch, practically in Cas's lap. Dean was too surprised to resist. No one had ever manhandled him like that before; it was… weird, but nice in a way. Cas was now nibbling his earlobe, hot breath tickling his ear, as he leaned over Dean and pressed him down to lay back on the couch. Cas's hand was now running through his hair, Cas's arms bracketing Dean's head, and Cas's legs were interlocked with Dean's. Cas ground lightly against Dean's thigh, and Dean could feel his hard erection. _Oh wow. Nope nope NOPE._ Dean froze even as Cas was kissing him heatedly. He couldn't think, he could only push against Cas's hips and murmur "mmph!"

 

Cas sat up, tent in his pants still visible, but now only straddling Dean's knees. "Dean?"

 

"Um. Yeah. I don't think I'm ready for… that. I dunno, maybe someday, just…." Dean shrugged. His shoulders were tense now and his chest felt tight. He crawled out from under Cas's legs, waiting for anger, disappointment, or rejection.

 

Cas simply said, "Ok."

 

"Ok," Dean whispered back.

 

"Was the kissing ok?" Cas asked deliberately.

 

Dean nodded. He liked the kissing.

 

"May I kiss you again? Just kissing. I will… remain upright." Cas quirked a smile.

 

Dean chuckled. "Yeah, that's fine, Cas, I'd like that." This was ok. He was ok now.

 

Cas placed a hand on Dean's cheek and softly stroked it. He locked eyes with Dean as he trailed his thumb over Dean's lips. Dean shivered. Cas brushed his lips to Dean's, and this time it was Dean who flicked his tongue out to ask permission. Dean clung to Cas's muscled shoulders, as if he let go Cas would disappear. This time, Cas allowed Dean to lead. The kiss was soothing and gentle, but no less passionate, and no less loving.

 

_Hold up._

 

_Loving?_

 

Did he really just think that? He wasn't ready for _love_. What the hell was wrong with him? He barely knew Cas.

 

Yet… the sincerity of the kiss told him this was different than just a crush, different than just a fling. Maybe he didn't have to put words to it yet; maybe he could just let it be, and marvel at its beauty and cherish it while he held on tight.

 

As if reading his mind ( _how does Cas do that, anyway?_ ) Cas grabbed Dean's hand and squeezed. He was holding on tight, too. Dean tried to say in the kiss what he couldn't speak with words, and with each pass of Cas's tongue and each press of Cas's lips, Dean was pretty sure Cas was saying it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much miscommunication at the diner LOL. At least I make myself laugh. 
> 
> I hope I didn't squick anyone out with Cas getting a little carried away with the kiss. I wanted to portray that a) Cas, while super patient and understanding normally, can also have a lizard brain and get a bit dominant while turned on -- he's not perfect or a robot; b) Cas and Dean will have to communicate a lot about their relationship and what Dean is comfortable with, even if Dean doesn't like talking; c) once Dean shows he isn't comfortable with something, Cas backs the hell off, because that's what you're supposed to do and Cas is a good person. 
> 
> I'd like to note that the run-on sentences are a stylistic choice made in effort to show Dean's internal monologue. I'm not just entirely ignorant of grammar rules haha.


	32. Acceptance

Gabriel

 

Dean had finished the bedframe for Mary. Cas had sent him pictures of it, set up in Cas's apartment, away from Sam's prying eyes. It was beautiful; Gabriel had to begrudgingly admit that Dean had done a very nice job, investing in a solid form and carved details in a way that surprised Gabriel but didn't seem to surprise Cas.

 

Gabriel stood in his office. He had cleared out most of his papers and cleaned off his desk. A toy chest could go in the corner. He could buy some pictures of flowers or farm animals or landscapes, or buy some wall decals. Or maybe he'd just paint the walls themselves. He didn't care about getting his deposit back, anyway. Purple? Would Mary like purple?

 

Gabriel sighed. Of course, his hopes might never actually come to fruition. First of all, Sam might not be interested in Mary having a room at Gabriel's apartment so they could stay the night more often. Even though Sam spent the night sometimes, Gabriel knew that having time to himself was also very important to Sam. It was how he recharged. That was the reason he scheduled time to run or exercise at the gym -- it was his time to think and relax. Second of all, neither he nor Sam knew where Sam was going to graduate school. Sam had been travelling to do interviews at graduate schools, and Gabriel was doing his best not to sway his decision -- he wanted Sam to go to the best school possible, not just the closest.

 

Gabriel would follow Sam anywhere. Sam had told him that he would try to stay in the area, but that otherwise he would drive or fly to visit him. They had Skype and cellphones after all; they could do a long-distance relationship, right? Gabriel knew they _could_ , but he didn't _want_ to. He wanted to wake up each morning next to Sam. He wanted to make Sam waffles for breakfast, and watch him read in the evenings. He wanted Sam's teasing and Sam's seriousness. He wanted Sam and Mary to be his family. He wanted _everything_ with Sam. Fighting and fucking and love.

 

Gabriel had tried to tell Sam that, but of course somehow it came out wrong, and Sam was convinced that by following him to graduate school Gabriel would be abandoning his dreams of owning the café. That had been their first real fight. Gabriel had argued that owning a café didn't matter if he had no one to share it with; he could always relocate his business. He couldn't replace time with Sam and Mary. Sam claimed that it would be best for Gabriel economically if he remained in the place where he had a customer base, and that he didn't want Gabriel to have to sacrifice for him.

 

Soon, however, their biting words of frustration and fear turned into declarations of love.

 

"It doesn't feel like a sacrifice," Gabriel had murmured into Sam's shoulder, "being near you is a reward."

 

Sam had kissed his head and replied softly, "I just don't want you to give up something you've worked so hard for when there are other options. I'd feel guilty. You're so proud of _Expressoself!_! Your business is doing well, you have a growing clientele… I want you to be happy."

 

"My café is nice, but it's not what makes me happy. In the end, it's just a hobby and a job. I'm happy," Gabriel had interrupted, "because of people, because I have you and Mary." He had pecked Sam on the nose. "And I want to be close to you."

 

They had soon become lost in slow kisses and cuddling full of apology and reassurance. 

 

"Let's wait and see where I get accepted, ok? Then we can talk about this more," Sam had said.

 

So now the bedframe was still at Cas's apartment (Cas had somehow stopped Dean from complaining too much that he hadn't built the thing for it to just collect dust), and Gabriel was standing in a nearly empty office with a organic-cotton toddler mattress, still in the plastic, shoved in the closet.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Spring was always a time of rejuvenation for Gabriel. Spring was a time of birth, promises, and new beginnings. Spring was when he realized he had fallen in love for the last time.

 

The days flew by; Sam was always studying, working on his thesis, meeting with professors… He barely had time to see Gabriel, but Gabriel knew Sam tried to pour every ounce of love that he had into those moments they shared.

 

Sam, Dean, Castiel, Gabriel, and Jessica all celebrated Mary's birthday together. Mary was so much bigger than when Gabriel had first met her. She was starting to speak in short sentences, she knew her colors, she loved to dance and paint. She was so smart, just like her parents (especially her daddy, in Gabriel's opinion), and she was developing such a strong personality. Gabriel was proud. He had been nervous to show affection for Sam in front of Sam's ex-girlfriend, but Sam soon grabbed his hand tightly and gave him a warm smile. Sam always knew what he needed. As if following the lead of his younger brother, Dean casually looped an arm around Castiel's waist. Looking at them now, Gabriel couldn't believe it took Dean coming to Palo Alto for him to notice that Cas's foul mood had been due to him pining for Dean. Gabriel glared at Dean, but bit his tongue when he saw the way Cas's face softened and the way he looked at Dean like he had birthed the universe. Maybe for Cas, he had. Maybe Dean opened Cas's eyes to something, and made his world so different, so fresh, like seeing the sun and the color green for the first time after months of clouds and white, that it might as well be a new universe, belonging only to them. After all, Gabriel looked at Sam like that.

 

Now Gabriel sat next to Sam on the couch while Mary looked at picture books near their feet. It was the day that Sam's letter of acceptance or rejection from Stanford was available online. Gabriel was rubbing Sam's back while Sam typed his login and opened the document.

 

Sam froze and his face went blank.

 

"Oh, Sam, I'm sorry," Gabriel had whispered. His heart sank. Stanford had been the _easiest_ option. Relocating his café or navigating a long-distance relationship would be stressful, even if Gabriel was sure that they would manage. Gabriel attempted to gather himself in preparation to offer words of encouragement to Sam (who was surely even more disappointed than he was), when he heard Sam say in a hushed tone,

 

"I got in."

 

Gabriel stared at him, trying to reconcile the words he thought he had heard with the expression he had seen on Sam's face.

 

"I got in," Sam repeated, more loudly this time, and a grin broke across his face. He suddenly stood, scooped Gabriel up off the couch, and spun him around in his arms in the middle of Gabriel's living room. "I got in!" Sam began to giggle. Gabriel overcame his shock, and grabbed both sides of Sam's face and pulled him down for a hard kiss.

 

"Spin!" Mary squealed and began to spin in circles. Sam laughed weakly, then picked her up to give her a hug.

 

"We don't have to move, sweetie," he whispered in her ear. "We can stay here with Gabe."

 

_Yes._ That was right.

 

Determination and realization dawned on Gabriel, but evidently his slack-jawed appearance was misinterpreted by Sam, who began to hastily explain.

 

"I mean, in Palo Alto, of course. I'm not expecting you to let us stay _here_ , here," Sam stumbled out.

 

"Move in with me." Gabriel blurted decisively.

 

Sam's mouth dropped open slightly and his eyes widened, mirroring Gabriel's earlier expression.

 

"You practically live here anyway, and it will save you a lot of money. I know you were concerned about the cost of housing if you ended up staying in the area," Gabriel added.

 

"You don't have to ask me to move in with you just because you think I need the money," Sam said hesitantly. "I've been able to save up more now since Dean and I are splitting the rent."

 

Gabriel rolled his eyes. Dean still hadn't found the "right" apartment and was still sharing with Sam. Gabriel suspected Dean hadn't put that much effort into searching, since he spent so much time at Cassie's apartment anyway. "Sam. First of all, Dean drives you crazy. Ah ah!" He pressed a finger to Sam's mouth when he started to argue. "You were whining about it just last night, so don't deny it. Secondly, I _want_ you here. Never doubt that. If you still want your own space, I totally respect that. But you're always welcome here."

 

Sam hugged Gabriel tightly, lifting him off the floor. "Gabe, that sounds awesome." Sam leaned down and rested their foreheads together. _I will always get lost in his hazel eyes_. "I can contribute to the rent, of course," Sam continued.

 

"Saaammm," Gabriel whined, "we'll talk about that later. Right now, we need to celebrate!" He turned Sam around and pushed him out of the living room. "You pack Mary's bag. I'll get her shoes on. We're dropping her off with Jess tonight."

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dean

 

Cas groaned and dropped onto the couch.

 

"Long day of field work?" Dean smirked.

 

Cas only grunted in response. At this point, Dean knew better than try to engage him in further conversation. Instead, he just looked at his boyfriend _(boyfriend. I never thought I'd feel comfortable with that word)_ sprawled out, one arm over his eyes.

 

Cas's tan had deepened since he had been spending more time outside, collecting bugs and recording data or whatever it was he did. (Dean planned on tagging along at some point. He really was more kinesthetic-style learner, and he wanted to have a reference for what Cas was talking about when Cas was telling him about his day.) The darker skin made Cas's blue eyes pop even more - Dean got a glimpse of one when Cas peeked out from under his forearm. Dean's eyes roved over Cas's strong jaw, the toned arms, the muscular thighs.

 

Dean knelt at one end of the couch and began massaging Cas's calves, working down to his feet. He couldn't resist running a finger along the arch, making Cas twitch and raise his head to glare at Dean. Dean ducked his head, hiding his smile, and began to rub Cas's feet while he hummed Metallica.

 

"Mmph," came from under Cas's arm. Dean knew it meant thank you.

 

"What do you think will happen if Sam needs to move for grad school?" Dean asked the sole of Cas's foot. Dean liked to have physical contact with Castiel while talking with him. Cas had a good poker face, but the way his muscles tensed always betrayed his thoughts.

 

"He and Gabe would be fine. They're both mature." Cas said, his voice still muffled. He paused. "I suppose that would mean you would move too."

 

The foot tensed.

 

"Why would I do that?" Dean asked carefully, continuing the circles of pressure on the heel of Cas's foot.

 

There was a beat of silence. "Because he's your family."

 

"He is," Dean agreed. "But it's also time for the kid to spread his wings a little. I think he's ready for some space. Heck, I've been practically parenting him my whole life. At some point I gotta let him go, ya know?"

 

"I'm the youngest, so no, I don't exactly know." Dean could hear the sarcasm in Cas's voice. He continued the massage. "I thought you moved out here to be with Sam. And Mary."

 

Dean glanced up toward Cas's face. The arm which had been relaxed over his eyes was now held more rigidly. Cas was hiding his face.

 

"Well," Dean paused and tried to swallow his nerves, "That was one reason, yes."

 

"And the others?"

 

Dean wet his lips. "I moved here, and I'm going to stay here, because you have a few more years here until you get your doctorate."

 

Cas sat up abruptly, jerking his foot out of Dean's grasp. "Dean. What do you mean?"

 

Dean forced himself to meet Cas's eyes -- those endless pools of blue. "I mean, Cas," he cleared his throat, "That means I love you."

 

Dean watched as Cas's face began to crumple and tears began to fill his eyes.

 

"Cas, I'm so sorry!" Dean was torn between wanting to envelop Cas in a hug to soothe him and backing away if he was the source of the discomfort. His hands were outstretched, but he didn't touch Cas. "I know it's probably too soon… I didn't mean to upset you. Just forget I said anything."

 

"No!" Cas's voice, normally so steady, quavered. "I just --  I thought maybe you didn't feel as strongly for me as I did for you. I thought you'd never say it."

 

Cas reached up to swipe away the tears that had fallen from his eyes. Dean grabbed his hands and squeezed, then wiped the tear tracks with his thumbs.

 

"Oh, Cas," Dean whispered.

 

Cas laughed quietly. "Sorry," he mumbled.

 

Dean shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. For me, showing is always easier than telling… but it's important to say it, too. I love you, angel."

 

Cas pulled him into a hug. One hand was clinging tightly to the back of Dean's neck, as if Cas wanted to reassure himself with Dean's presence. "I love you too, Dean," he said into Dean's ear.

 

Dean stroked Cas's hair in a soothing gesture. He nibbled Cas's earlobe, then peppered kisses over his jaw, before finally reaching his lips. The kiss was sweet and slow, full of promises. Dean shifted Cas so they were both lying on the couch facing each other. Dean was almost falling off the edge, but he couldn't care less. Dean held Cas tightly to his chest, close to his heart. 

 

Dean pressed a kiss to Cas's forehead. "Don't worry, Cas. You aren't getting rid of me that easily."

 

Cas stared into Dean's eyes, as he was wont to do, and there in his gaze Dean found all his answers.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gabriel

 

Gabriel had quickly changed into khakis and a dress shirt before leaving his apartment. After leaving Mary with Jess (who thankfully was at home) they stopped by Sam's apartment for Sam to change into something more formal. This was a special occasion, after all. Gabriel was taking Sam out to eat, and it wasn't going to be diner food.

 

Sam emerged from his apartment in dress pants, a white button up (Gabriel contemplating "accidentally" spilling water on Sam during dinner), and a _tie_. _Mm, I think I can find a use for that later._

 

Gabriel pretended to swoon. "I feel faint!" he cried as he crashed haphazardly against Sam.

 

Sam scoffed, but hugged him to his chest. Gabriel nuzzled against his collarbone.

 

"From what?" asked Sam.

 

"Blood rushing south," Gabriel said mischievously.

 

Sam rolled his eyes and pushed him towards the passenger side of the car, opening it for Gabriel with feigned annoyance before smacking Gabriel on the ass as he clambered in. Gabriel smirked. Sam had been giving him free reign with his terrible innuendos and jokes as of late. _I hope that's because he's becoming more receptive to actually acting out some of those innuendos._ Gabriel would never rush Sam into any intimacy he wasn't ready for, but he was human; blow jobs were nice, but he really wanted to be fucked.

 

Gabriel tried to subtly adjust himself in his pants as Sam climbed in the car. He cleared his head of inappropriate thoughts to give Sam directions.

 

Sam gawked at the interior décor of the restaurant as if he had never seen a venue nicer than a bar and grill. Knowing Dean, Sam probably hadn't -- the restaurant they had eaten at for Valentine's Day was probably the exception, and this one surpassed that in quality (and price). A three-course meal was the bare minimum here. Gabriel nudged Sam, interrupting his gaping at the chandeliers, to follow the hostess to their table.

 

"Gabriel," Sam whispered, "You didn't have to bring me here."

 

"I didn't _have_ to," Gabriel linked his arm with Sam's, "but I really wanted to. You deserve it. You deserve to be pampered."

 

Sam looked at him dubiously, but Gabriel kissed his frown away before they were seated.

 

Gabriel ordered them each a glass of red wine -- ever since New Year's, he limited himself to one drink per sitting.

 

Gabriel could sense Sam's nervousness about abiding by the convention of "polite society". Gabriel tried to make him laugh, and soon Sam was loose and open and happy, tossing his head back and guffawing in a way that was probably considered plebeian, but Gabriel loved it. He loved making Sam happy, he _lived_ for Sam's smile. 

 

In between bites (Gabriel could tell Sam was attempting to eat delicately, and he suppressed a chuckle), Sam asked, "What do you think would have happened if I didn't get accepted to Stanford?"

 

"Ugh, Sam. Curse you and your over-analyzing," Gabriel whined.

 

"I know, I just…" Sam frowned and prodded at his food. "I just want to know that we're strong enough, even if things aren't easy. Like, what if this works out now, but something happens later, and then…" Sam trailed off.

 

Gabriel took Sam's hand and squeezed it. "Sam. Things won't be easy. You'll be busy, I'll be busy, we'll both be tired and cranky, Mary's going to be a toddler and she'll have attitude problems, and there will be a plethora of other stressors. We don't have to have you move hours away to test our relationship. We'll argue and fight, but we'll always make up. We'll always have each other, forever, if you want it. You just need to have a little faith in our love."

 

Sam's eyes softened. _He has more smile lines now than when I first met him._ He squeezed Gabriel's hand back.

 

"I do have faith," he whispered, "and I promise I'm going to show it to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was fitting that Sam and Gabriel would say "I love you" before kissing, where Dean and Cas kiss before saying "I love you". I think it's interesting how different forms of intimacy come more easily to different people. 
> 
> Hopefully this chapter doesn't feel like too much summary -- there were things I wanted to mention, but didn't necessarily want to dedicate entire chapters to. I wanted to jump ahead in the timeline a few months. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of Dean and Cas's declarations of love, entomology, Gabriel's innuendos, or high-scale restaurants :P Thank you for reading <3


	33. Poetry as Foreplay; Foreplay as Poetry

Gabriel

 

Gabriel excused himself to the restroom before he and Sam ordered dessert. Once the door was shut, he pulled out his phone and typed a text to Cas.

 

_Gabriel:  I need a favor ASAP_

 

_Cas: What do you need help with?_

 

Gabriel sighed in relief. Thank goodness Cas responded quickly.

 

_Gabriel: I need you to bring Mary's bedframe to my apartment. Set it up with the crib mattress and sheets. They're in my closet. Move my desk into the living room._

 

_Gabriel: And hurry. I'll stall Sam while we're at the restaurant. It's a surprise._

 

_Cas: Ok. Dean is here so he can help me. Where in the rooms do you want the crib and the desk?_

 

Gabriel laughed quietly. If studying bugs didn't work out for Cassie, he should become an interior designer. And _of course_ Dean was with him.

 

_Gabriel: Wherever you think looks best. Thank you!!!_

 

 

Sam

 

Gabriel had looked more mouthwatering than their dinner, and had spent much of their meal making suggestive jokes that had been giving Sam some seriously inappropriate ideas about the uses of dining tables and chocolate sauce.

Once in the car, Sam couldn't keep his hands off of Gabriel. He let his hand linger on Gabriel's thigh as he drove, squeezing gently and running a teasing path along the inside of Gabriel's leg while Gabriel squirmed.

 

Once the door to Gabriel's dark apartment slammed shut, Sam kissed Gabriel heatedly, tongue flicking over the sensitive roof of Gabe’s mouth, then ran his tongue slowly along Gabriel's lower lip before pulling away from the kiss, gently dragging his teeth across the lip as he did so.

 

"I want you," Sam murmured. Gabriel had promised to share his home, had promised Sam forever, and Sam was ready to accept those promises and make a few of his own.

 

"Mmm," Gabriel hummed against the corner of his mouth. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but can you wait a minute?"

 

Sam's heart dropped, and despite trying not to show his disappointment on his face, Gabriel picked up on his mood immediately. He grabbed Sam's hands and squeezed reassuringly.

 

"I just have something I want to show you," he said before yanking Sam down the hallway, both of them still in their jackets and shoes.

 

Gabriel stopped in front of the door to his office. Sam furrowed his brow in confusion. He rarely went into Gabe's office, but last he checked, it only contained a desk and a bunch of boring administrative paperwork for _Expressoself!_. Gabe grinned bashfully ( _since when does Gabe do anything bashfully?)_ and opened the door.

 

"Gabe, if you're bringing me in here to draft some sort of cohabitation agreement, you're going to --" Sam choked on his next words when Gabriel flicked on the light.

 

This was definitely not an office anymore.

 

The room was still mostly empty; Sam noticed that it was now devoid of Gabriel's desk and file folders; but now, in the center of the room, there was a toddler bed made of carved wood. Sam could smell a hint of cedar. The mattress was covered in sheets with elephants, Mary's favorite animal. Sam stepped forward and ran a finger over the smooth wood.

 

"Gabe…" he whispered, "when did you do this?" Sam thought more about his question. Gabriel had only asked him to move in _today._ When did he buy this stuff?

 

Gabriel blushed slightly over a smug smile. "I may have gotten the mattress and asked Dean to make the bedframe a few months ago. I had Dean and Cas set it up while we were at the restaurant."

 

Sam enveloped his boyfriend in a hug. He loved how his arms encircled Gabriel's smaller frame. "I didn't realize you were thinking about this for so long. Why'd you wait to ask?"

 

Gabriel shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure it was the right time. I didn't know if you'd want to, and you've been so busy with school," he murmured into Sam's shoulder.  Sam's heart felt like it was about to overflow. Gabriel wasn't just accepting Sam, he was providing for Mary -- a child from Sam's previous relationship, whom Gabriel welcomed into his life like his own. Sam squeezed Gabriel tighter.

 

"Of course I want to! Thank you, babe." Sam nuzzled Gabriel's hair. "I love you."

 

Gabriel met Sam's eyes, a grin lighting up his face. "I love you too."

 

Sam grabbed Gabriel's hand, and began leading him back down the hallway so they could remove their shoes and jackets. Gabriel kept stopping him, standing on his tiptoes to kiss him.

 

"I love you. I love you. I love you," they both declared softly, in between pecks.

 

They made it to the kitchen before Gabriel evidently decided they were in close enough proximity to the coatrack and began divesting Sam of his jacket as he kicked off his shoes. Sam mirrored his actions, sliding his hands up Gabriel's back as the jacket fell to the floor. He could feel Gabriel's body heat through the shirt, the ridges of his shoulder blades, his muscles covered by a thin layer of fat. He raked his fingertips from Gabriel's shoulders to the small of his back, pressing Gabriel closer. 

 

Having lived in close proximity to his brother or in an apartment with thin walls his entire life, it was so refreshing to be in Gabriel's nice apartment, where Sam had the liberty to voice his pleasure within reason. Nevertheless, after all his practice in staying quiet and keeping his sex life secret, Sam always felt almost embarrassed of making noise, as if he were doing something taboo. As a result, he swallowed his moans and grunts, only a quiet whine escaping his lips as Gabriel yanked Sam down by his tie and asserted dominance over a kiss.

 

As if reading his thoughts, Gabriel moved to mouth at his earlobe. “Babe, I want to hear what you like. I want to know what makes you feel good. I want you to enjoy this as much as I am.”

 

“Ok,” was the only reply Sam could muster when Gabriel started tonguing the shell of his ear, his breath ghosting over him, sending a shiver down his spine. That was one of his most sensitive spots, and Gabriel was taking advantage.

 

“Mmmm,” Sam groaned, closing his eyes. He wanted Gabriel to do that more, but his neck was beginning to hurt from stooping down. Abruptly he grabbed Gabriel’s waist and pulled him close, appreciating the firm bulge in Gabriel's pants before grabbing the back of his thighs and lifting him. Gabriel stiffened briefly in surprise when Sam lifted him, then grabbed Sam’s biceps. Sam placed Gabriel on the counter. A container of kitchen utensils clattered over, the sharp sound cutting through their heavy breathing in the otherwise quiet apartment, but neither cared.

 

“Ngh, that’s so hot. I love how strong you are,” Gabriel said before scooting to the edge of the counter, spreading his legs and pulling Sam close in between them.

 

Sam rested his hands on Gabriel’s waist, his fingers creeping under his shirt. He dipped his fingertips under the waistband of Gabriel’s boxers and felt Gabriel twitch and moan into their kiss. Gabriel’s hands were in his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss, holding him there, firm and insistent yet gentle.

 

One of Gabriel’s hands grabbed roughly at Sam's tie and began loosening it hastily. Said hand soon wandered to into the collar of Sam’s shirt, roving over his shoulder and collarbone. He pulled slightly on the shirt, and Sam could tell he was trying to reach the bottom hem, but his arms weren’t long enough.

 

“Sam,” Gabriel huffed, “Take me to our bedroom.” He crossed his legs behind the small of Sam’s back and looped his arms behind his neck. Sam squeezed Gabriel's hips at the word _our_.

 

Sam obliged happily, scooping up Gabriel to him, hands under Gabriel's thighs, feeling the heat of the body against his chest, his golden hair tickling his cheek.

 

Practically giggling, Sam tossed Gabriel on the bed.

 

“I never thought I’d like being manhandled but... Damn, kiddo.”

 

Sam smiled, then paused. “Um. How are we...” He gestured at the bed.

 

“What are you comfortable with?” Gabriel asked. “I don’t care, I just want you to come here.” He reached up to tug Sam onto the bed with him. Sam obliged and knelt by his side.

 

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

 

Gabriel’s eyes went wide. “Sam. You really meant it? I’ll be your first guy?”

 

Sam nodded, blushing.

 

“Oh, Sam,” Gabriel whispered reverently. He then grinned wickedly. “I’m gonna be so good for you.”

 

With those words Sam's tension left him. Gabriel loved him, even if Sam had no idea what he was doing. Good sex would just be a bonus in their relationship.

 

Sam leaned over Gabriel and ran his hands under Gabriel's shirt, savoring the smooth skin, his mouth following as he rucked it up around Gabriel's chest. He looked at Gabriel questioningly before sliding a hand under Gabriel's back, drawing him forward, and quickly unbuttoned his shirt then tossed it aside. Laying Gabriel back down, he kissed a straight line along his collarbone, looped down around a pectoral until reaching his sternum, then started kissing down Gabriel's stomach.

 

Gabriel squirmed when Sam reached the softness of his midsection. "Sam…" He whined.

 

"Let me enjoy you," Sam whispered.

 

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "There's nothing there that's so enjoyable it should take this long. You've been working me up since we left the restaurant!"

 

"Gabriel." Sam looked at him sternly, then smiled.

 

_"i like my body when it is with your_

_body. It is so quite a new thing._

_Muscles better and nerves more._

_i like your body. i like what it does,"_

 

Sam paused his recitation to circle his tongue around Gabriel's nipple, hearing an intake of breath as he did so.

 

Gabriel laughed weakly. "You _would_ recite e.e. cummings during foreplay."

 

Sam just smiled into Gabriel's collarbone and continued.

 

_"i like its hows. i like to feel the spine_

_of your body and its bones, and the trembling_

_-firm-smooth ness and which i will_

_again and again and again_

_kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,"_

 

Sam kissed up Gabriel's neck slowly. When he reached his cheek, he realized it was wet.

 

"Gabriel?" Sam leaned back, alarmed. He examined Gabriel's face for pain or displeasure as Gabriel's shoulders quaked slightly.

 

Gabriel drew a shuddering breath. "Thank you, Sam." He cupped Sam's jaw and kissed him softly.

 

Sam wiped away Gabriel's tears with his thumbs, cradling his face. "Gabe, you're gorgeous. And you know I have eyes only for you, right?"

 

Gabriel stared at him disbelievingly. "Sam, I'm not doubting you love me, but it's ok if you find other people attractive."

 

"I'm serious, Gabe. I only. Want. You." Sam marked each word with a kiss over Gabriel's heart. "I could only feel this way for _you_. This?" Sam ground his erection against Gabriel's thigh. "This is only for you." Sam squeezed Gabriel's hips. "I love the way you _give_ under my hands, I can just  -- _mmm --_ grab you and never let you go." He kissed the corners of Gabriel's eyes. "I love your eyes. They're so many colors, and they light up when you smile." He smoothed his hands up Gabriel's sides and over his shoulders. "You're built so well. So perfectly proportioned." He gently nibbled on the meat of Gabriel's shoulder and Gabriel made a soft groan.

 

"May I?" Sam asked. Gabriel nodded, though Sam wasn't sure if Gabriel was completely aware of what he was agreeing to.

 

" _Yes,_ Sam. Whatever you want, yes."

 

Sam chuckled. He sucked on Gabriel's shoulder, drawing his skin into his mouth, smelling the sweetness of pastries and the bitterness of coffee but also just _Gabriel_ underneath. Sam felt drunk. He left two more marks, the highest one where Gabriel's shoulder met his neck. Three, just like the three kisses Gabriel had left on his scar months ago. Sam swept his tongue in a line connecting the marks; Gabriel shuddered.

 

Suddenly Gabriel was pushing on his biceps and thrusting up with one of his thighs; Sam let him guide him into rolling over onto his back. Gabriel straddled his chest.

 

"I think it's my turn to touch," Gabriel smirked. He lifted himself just enough to undo Sam's tie and yank it off with a quiet _swish_ , followed by his shirt, then settled back on Sam's midsection, knees lightly resting on Sam's biceps but most of his weight on his heels -- just enough pressure to show that he wanted Sam to stay still. Sam knew he could easily shift Gabriel off, but he trusted Gabriel. He also felt a thrum of excitement at Gabriel's forwardness. Jess had never done this with him, never made any physical gesture of seizing control, even though Sam would have gladly shared it. He looked up at Gabriel adoringly, and obediently folded his hands behind his head, feigning indifference, though he knew the smile in his eyes gave him away.

 

"Mm mm mm, what shall I start with?" Gabriel's eyes roved over Sam's pectorals, his rounded muscular shoulders and arms, all now beginning to be covered with a sheen of sweat. Sam stared up at him with undisguised affection.

 

Gabriel leaned forward to kiss Sam heatedly, one hand braced on Sam's chest, the other in the hair at the nape of his neck. Gabriel kissed down Sam's neck and smoothed his hands down his chest and abdominals. Sam could see the glisten of sweat on Gabriel's face and shoulders in the dim light, and Gabriel was like an angel looking down on him. Gabriel slid lower on Sam's body, releasing Sam's arms, kissing a trail down his chest. He reached Sam's belt buckle and looked up at Sam questioningly. Sam nodded with no hesitation. With a soft _clink_ the buckle was undone and Gabriel shucked off Sam's jeans and underwear. Sam reciprocated, but as Gabriel insisted on continuing to straddle Sam, the result was one of Gabriel's legs getting stuck in a pant leg and almost faceplanting on Sam's stomach. They both giggled before continuing. Sam rested his hands on Gabriel's (finally) naked hips. Gabriel leaned forward and kissed each of Sam's hipbones. Sam's breathing hitched as Gabriel brushed a hand slowly up his thigh, teasing, before fondling his balls. Sam was panting now, and so hard. He _needed._ He screwed his eyes shut and threw his head back into the pillow, trying to enjoy the sensation without coming. He wanted this to be slow.

 

His eyes flew open and he gasped as he felt wet heat on his cock. Gabriel was slowly licking his length and circled his tongue around the tip. Gabriel kept his hands firmly on Sam's hips and locked eyes with him as he swallowed him down. Gabriel was _aroused_ doing this. Sam felt overwhelmed with sensation and emotion. Sam was exercising amounts of self-control he didn't know he possessed as Gabriel bobbed slowly and sucked.

 

With one last hard suck, Gabriel pulled off. Sam looked at him in confusion. But Gabriel was leaning off the bed and rummaging in the bedside drawer, and pulling out a tube of lube. He proceeded to deftly flick the cap open and squeeze some onto his fingers. Gabriel was leaning over Sam, bracing himself with one arm next to Sam's head, strands of his hair flopping forward and almost reaching Sam's face. Gabriel then reached back and _\--oh._

 

"Since you've never done this before, Sam," Gabriel panted, "I think I'll let you just enjoy the show tonight." Gabriel attempted to smirk but it was faltering as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. Sam leaned forward and kissed Gabriel deeply, one hand resting on Gabriel's back. Recalling Gabriel's hungry expression while he was sucking Sam's cock, while watching Sam become aroused, Sam picked up the bottle of lube, squeezed some into his palm, and began to stroke his own cock. Gabriel's mouth fell open as he watched. _"Sam,"_ He breathed. "You don't even know what that does to me."

 

"I'm beginning to get an idea," Sam smiled and kissed Gabriel; gently this time. They had all night and Sam wasn't going to rush.

 

Gabriel's fingers began tightening in the sheets and he began to make soft little moans. He pushed Sam back and straddled his hips again. Gabriel squeezed more lube onto his hand, nudged Sam's hand away from his  cock, and began pumping Sam rapidly. Sam began panting with need.

 

"Ready?" Gabriel asked.

 

Sam began to nod, then paused. "Do you want me to wear a condom, or no?"

 

"Are you clean?"

 

"Yes," Sam said without hesitation.

 

"Good. Me too." Gabriel smiled, and slowly lowered himself onto Sam's cock.

 

_Ooohhh._ Sam lost the ability to think coherently. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to focus on the sensation of tight heat, or Gabriel's face. Gabriel had his eyes closed, head thrown back, hair in disarray. His bottom lip was caught in his teeth. He was breathtaking. Sam wanted to tell him that, but all that came out was,

 

" _Gabriel!"_

 

Gabriel opened his eyes and smiled as he began to move, rolling his hips at an agonizingly slow pace. Sam knew he was gripping Gabriel's hips too hard,  would probably leave bruises, but Gabriel didn't seem bothered. Soon Sam was thrusting upward in harmony with Gabriel sinking down onto his cock. He loved the silky heat, the drag, the friction. They moved slowly at first, two bodies dancing together to the sound of skin meeting and panting breaths. Soon Sam began thrusting harder as his control began slipping away; Gabriel began arching his back and moaning loudly as he rode. Shivers spanned Sam's spine at the sound. He wanted to make Gabriel make more of those noises.

 

"I'm close," Gabriel said breathlessly.

 

Sam took Gabriel's length in his hand. He ran his thumb over the tip, smearing Gabriel's precome, then began to pump Gabriel's cock in time with his own thrusts. Soon Gabriel tensed and came with a groan, a few drops spattering as high as Sam's chest. Sam was surprised to find that arousing: he was _marked_ by Gabriel. He belonged to Gabriel, and he had given him pleasure. Gabriel's hole clenched around Sam's cock as he came, prompting Sam's own release. Sam gripped Gabriel's hips and pulled Gabriel farther down on his cock as he thrusted through his orgasm.

 

Gabriel now collapsed forward bonelessly, placing both hands on Sam's stomach. He smeared his come up to Sam's chest, then licked it off one pinky finger. Sam gasped and his mind went completely blank. That was _hot._ If he wasn't already spent, he probably would have come at the sight.

 

"I'm gonna get us a cloth to wash up," Gabriel winked. Sam just nodded sleepily. Gabriel pulled himself off of Sam's softening cock gingerly. "Mm. Gonna feel that tomorrow."

 

Sam sat up. "Did I hurt you?" He asked worriedly.

 

"Nah," Sam heard from the bathroom over the sound of running water. Gabriel continued as he returned with a washcloth and proceeded to wipe himself and Sam off. "You just aren't exactly _small._ And it's been awhile. And I might have rushed a bit with the prep. But I like it," he smiled, "I like being a bit sore. It's a nice reminder." Gabriel then twisted, looking at the redness on his hips where Sam's hands had been. "As are those."

 

"Mmm," Sam hummed as he pulled Gabriel close, "Next time you'll have to mark me. Want everyone to know I'm yours."

 

Gabriel propped himself up on one elbow. "You sure?"

 

"Of course I'm sure," Sam pressed a chaste kiss to Gabriel's lips. "You're amazing. You're everything I want."

 

"Want you too," Gabriel slurred sleepily. "I'm gonna ruin everyone else for you. Jus' gimme a few minutes."

 

Sam chuckled. "You 'ruined everyone else for me' the moment you started talking about _Inferno_ and I realized you were a genius. Nerd." He pressed an affectionate kiss to Gabriel's forehead.

 

Gabriel snuggled into Sam's chest, an arm splayed over Sam's stomach. "Love you, Sammy."

 

"Love you too, Gabe," Sam whispered in his boyfriend's ear.

 

Soon Gabriel was drooling on Sam's chest, and Sam had his hand resting softly over the handprint he had left on Gabriel's hip. They were tangled together, where they belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem was I like my body by e.e. cummings. 
> 
> *Hides behind computer* So this was my first time writing smut. Or fanfiction. In fact, this was the longest thing I have written in my life. Thank you to everyone who read and left kudos or comments - it made this experience so much more rewarding :) I hope at the very least this story has made you smile and laugh a bit - if anything, at how terrible it is lol. 
> 
> I'm going to call this story complete, but I might do an epilogue/time stamps in the future. I'm going to be busy with classes, so I just don't want to commit to too much! 
> 
> I do, however, have some ideas for a Mary Winchester/Lucifer fic. It would take place in season 13, when they are trapped in the alternate post-apocalyptic universe together. Of course, some details would be altered, and Lucifer wouldn't be quite so Satan-y. What can I say, I love the "we're trapped together and started out enemies but now we're friends/lovers" trope. What do you guys think? 
> 
> I cannot say thank you enough! <3


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